Goodbye Modesty, Hello Baby!
Here I sit after surviving my first tandem tantrum. Things are just as glamorous as ever. Swollen boobs, still in PJs, only half awake. This part I remember well. The whole TWO kids screaming and crying thing.. not so fun.
So it finally happened! It’s a crazy common comment lots of new moms make, “I thought I would never go into labor!” and any sane person who has never had a kid in ear shot thinks, “Ummm, hello? What the hell are you talking about, of COURSE you’re gonna have it!”
No, you really don’t believe that. I had it set in my mind she was going to be born Labor Day weekend after all the commotion of dilation, effacing, mucus plug, blah blah blah. When it didn’t happen, in my mind that was it. I’d be pregnant until she was reading.
But lo and behold, early Saturday morning WHOOOOSH! Water breaks, and therein lies the beginning of losing all pretense of modesty and privacy. As my husband stands trying not to laugh watching me holding onto a beach towel with just my thighs, standing over another towel with this look of astonishment (i’m certain) on my face. It was amazing because a-Labor was imminent and b- my water ACTUALLY broke! No induction, no contraction and then a doctor having to break my water.. my body did it. Yay, baby!
So after an hour of running around like headless chickens.. apparently you can pack and think you’re ready to head straight to the hospital, but in reality, that just cuts down your crazy chicken race by about 12 minutes.. we headed to the hospital.. me, sitting on a towel.
We check in and more insanity ensues. I had to prove that my water broke. And the funny part was, i totally understood why. You get so desperate to go into labor at the end, you will pee yourself just to try and convince your body you’re ‘leaking’ and that’s your pass into Labor & Delivery.. i couldn’t act like that thought hadn’t crossed my mind. Hell, i was ready to sit in a puddle of slushee just to get things going!
So the nurse checks for evidence.. very CSI, there were rubber gloves and everything. And I was admitted.
HALLELUJAH! Home free!
Let the insanity commence
Then the tubes and wires started. I was being hooked up like the Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree. Blood Pressure cuff, contraction monitor, baby monitor, eventually leading to INTERNAL monitors for contractions/baby heart rate, then the catheter, then the pulse wire, then the epidural line. … and i speak on behalf of every woman everywhere when i say i would gladly endure any electro therapy just to have that one itty bitty line. It was the smallest, yet THE most important and beloved.
The first clue things would be interesting was when the doc came with the epidural needle. Apparently women around Newport Beach run on the smaller, more delicate side. I’m not saying i’m a behemoth, but i’m sure comparisons to pregnant rhinoceros came into mind when she saw me. That’s the only explanation for why i had to feel every single step of the epidural process. The number didn’t work. Not only that, after taping the line down and waiting for it to kick in…. it never did. about 10 minutes of ‘no biggie’ contractions were felt, i had to call her back, to which i was told, “Well, this is just a guess because you are so tall, we don’t know how much medicine to give you.”
Bonus!
I endured the epidural process one more time… feeling everything along the way again. Whenever I sucked in a breath or did lamaze breathing she asked if i was having a contraction. , “Umm, no lady, i’m feeling that needle slide between my vertebra!” Seriously?! How’d she get this job?
I digress…
So now in happy land, everything slowed down which was a bonus, because it dropped my blood pressure enough to where i didn’t have to have Magneseum. Another blessing. For anyone who doesn’t know, if you have preeclampsia or are in danger of during labor, this is the medicine that prevents you from having a seizure. It’s not fun. I believe it opens up the blood vessels which allows lots of blood to freely flow in your head, which means a dark and nasty headache accompanies your delivery. Not to mention feeling groggy and slow and just weird in general… and it also passes through to the baby.
So i was mag free. yay!
I couldn’t get over every time someone walked into the room, first thing they wanted to see was my downstairs. It’s not a feeling i would ever get used to. (i’m happy to say) It was like Frankenstein’s baby was about to be born. I was starting to wonder if the tubes and wires would actually block the baby’s way into the world. And I won’t even go into the amount of goo and just disgusting things that are happening to that part of your body while the baby is on her rollercoaster ride outta the womb. Originally i was going to HIGHLIGHT this, but if you’ve been through it, you don’t want to remember that part, and if you haven’t had a baby and are reading this, i don’t want to scare you.
So after about 6 hours of contractions i wasnt feeling, it was time to push!
It was apparent i’d need leg strength to push the baby out. My nurse, my middle-aged, very sweet nurse got very worried that she’d have to be the one holding up these sequoia tree trunks while i pushed. They stopped my epi med and let me wait it out a bit.
I think she secretly sacrificed a chicken to make sure the medicine wore off enough for me to handle some of the pushing myself… poor thing. This didn’t help the rhinoceros image i had apparently set for myself either.
So my poor husband had to put down the camera and help hold my legs because this baby wasn’t waiting for anyone, or anything. It seems after 38 weeks, the baby is equally anxious to exit as we are to have them out. Who knew? The doctor warned us the cord would be wrapped around her neck due to the drops in heart rate that were occuring on the monitor.
After 6 pushes, the doctor was able to turn her in time to be born at 2:26pm and the cord was, in fact, wrapped once around her neck. Thankfully my doctor warned my husband about her color or he was going to leave the room looking for some dark-skinned anxious man that might be lurking behind a corner because this baby was not looking caucasian. More martian than anything, but beautiful from the start, nontheless! She was covered in goop, and goo, and all sorts of gunk, but it was the most beautiful thing that had happened to me in the past 4 years ( 🙂 Gage) and i couldn’t believe she was finally here.
The hospital stay from thereon out was uneventful, the healing is going great, the food in the hospital was amazing, more so because i didn’t cook it or clean up after it.
The whole experience has been magical, highlighted by the fact this baby girl is our grand finale. No more pregnancy for me. Now we have the privilege to be on the newborn rollercoaster.
And let me tell you, i GUARANTEE there will be MANY more entries on the insanity of balancing a 4 year old and a baby. Already i’ve been screamed at by both at the same time. I did not appreciate it, and may have followed up with a tantrum of my own when the older one was out of ear shot.
The nerve!
So welcome to the world, baby girl! Thank you for coming early at 8lbs 5oz and not waiting until 40 weeks and being 9lbs. This alone explains the love you must have for me already !
Sarcasmica 