orig post 9/16/10

A Bit Guilty

So now we adjust to life with two kids.
Did i just say that? ! I have two kids?
Yes.. and i did it on purpose, no less.
Before the baby was born, i joked that i was looking forward to having one that was not yet talking (back) and would go where i put her. How true this turned out to be!!
So now I’m juggling joy at our now complete family, a little anxiety about how to handle a newborn again, frustration with the sometimes behavior of the 4 year old, and then remembering i’m also a wife. I’m still processing these thoughts, so they are all pretty equal about now and i must say.. so far, i think it’s going really well.
But then there’s those moments.. those moments when my oldest says, “I don’t love her when she’s crying.” and i have to find the self-control which is buried way back behind ‘how to operate on 3 hrs of sleep’ and ‘which bills are past due and about to be turned off’ and find the patience to explain in a very short sentence why that’s not ok. Explaining using logic to him is pretty easy, but making him understand it is not. This child, like most his age, only see what they want, and will only accept it their way. I want  so badly for him to just adjust and be done, and i know that’s not fair. His world just got turned sideways, but she’s so darned cute! Can’t he see that?!
That’s how i cope. If i’m tired and sore from nursing and she is still hungry and gassy, she makes a baby coo, or stretches her little face, and i’m rebooted.
Apparently that doesn’t work for the other kid! Being a sibling myself, i can see why this is difficult for him. On the upside, he started school twice a week and he loves it. That’s giving him a very big sense of grown up purpose. He’s dressing himself very proudly now (yes, it’s taken this long.. don’t judge!) and I love seeing him find independence for himself.
On the flip side, when the baby is crying from gas pain and he is screaming in my face, “MAke her STOP!!” i’m not so proud. I turn into a 10 year old myself and want to throw something heavy and loud.
So this motherhood thing just continues to baffle my frazzled ill-rested mind. Every day is a rollercoaster of balancing everyone’s feelings, my own included. I guess i have to be ok that sometimes i’m not gonna like everyone all the time. It’s normal that i want to stick my head under the covers and scream sometimes. It doesn’t mean i’m less thankful or want anything done differently. It just means i need to swim my way out of a margarita once in a while!
Which I cannot wait to do again
Help is arriving tomorrow in the form of Gramma, and i’m so relieved to have help. I don’t know how single moms do it, I don’t know how most women do it. I guess it’s one more testament to our super powers as women

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