All posts for the month November, 2012

Big Wiener/Weiner Winer

Published November 29, 2012 by sarcasmica

For the record, i looked up “Weiner” online (weiner dog, actually, just to give it context. i did not need to see the images and pages a simple word like Weiner would give me) to find the correct spelling and couldn’t get a consistent answer. I did not look past the first page, of course, but i’m going with Weiner. I know the whole ‘i before e except after c’ nonsense, but true to English that is not an absolute.

So there’s nothing like a GIGANTIC lotto frenzy to make you feel insignificantly infinitesimal. It’s astonishing to think THAT many people bought tickets last week and somehow no one won. So this week, i was one of the masses standing in line. Paying with quarters. (yes, quarters. ten dollars worth i pulled it out of my husband’s coin jar!) I paid ten dollars to fantasize about a life I have no shot – this week – of living. The people in line behind me and the guy behind the counter – with latex gloves on – were sooooo tickled with amusement at this.

It’s amazing how quickly you can spend that much money in your own head! I planned a vacation. I even included some people, I planned out who I would buy a home for… along with all the stipulations i’d hand over with the keys. ๐Ÿ™‚ My biggest worry – and i DID worry about it – wasย where we’d buy a home… then it dawned on me, why settle for one location?! You’re a millionaire! I could have had at least three homes!
I considered what my husband would do for work/if he’d work. Isn’t that nice of me? I decided he’d still work because let’s face it, we did not get married to sit around and stare at each other all day!
My kids would be even more spoiled than they already are. I’d have a bigger gas guzzler. .. possibly more than 1.

It’s silly, but it’s fun, and i know i’m not alone. I even planned on buying an Elf on the Shelf! But alas, I am just one of the minions again. I am, however, better trained for the day i do win. For instance, i’ve gotten myself out of the idiocy of believing I had to choose only one location for a home. One step closer, y’all !

The statistics on a lotto ticket make you feel like a moron for even trying. But then you find out so-and-so didn’t even try and we all know what goes through our head when we find that out.


Coulda been a gazillionaire, now you’re not.

So you’re a Lemming for trying and an idiot for not. And people wonder what kind of place i live in inside my head. It’s a wonder i wake up and smile once a … week/month/year depending on the type of day i’m having!

On the other hand, my kids only cried and yelled for 20 minutes after bedtime tonight, so really, iย  did win the lotto.



Published November 28, 2012 by sarcasmica

My little vacuums have won tonight. I have no energy and it’s 7:29. It feels like 10:29.

I have no reason to be this exhausted!! That’s the kicker! I don’t clean and toil all day! I don’t cook 7 course meals! Hell, i didn’t even give the kids a bath tonight, so what the hell gives ?!!

I’m mentally 87 years old. And it’s due mostly to my 6 year old.

How does anyone make it to junior high school? I remember parents of my friends looking much less haggard than I do.

Contrary to my face , I do not inhale 2 cartons of cigarettes and three bottles of Jack every day. I swear. I WANT TO , but i don’t.

My husband is out of town. We are two days into a three week business trip. I even have my mom here helping, which she does, so why the hell am i more worn out than a Taylor Swift relationship ?!

And i try to get a moment’s peace by surfing the internet and all i see is Elf on the Shelf ideas and ‘easy to make yourself’ holiday decorations and Picasso-esque lunches and a million ways to braid your daughter’s hair, and how to keep every speck of dirt off you home surfaces.

Am i breathing at the end of the day?!! Am I able to wipe my own ass ?!! Is my front door locked?! Are my children alive?! Is there a head in my oven?! No ?! Well slap my ass and call me Kim !! I’ve survived another day!

This is not what I strive for, people. This was not my idea of what being a mom was. I had no idea i’d be this exhausted.

Perhaps the lack of sunshine and outdoor time is a little more severe here in the North West, but still.

I feel like a bleary-eyed, fang-toothed, screeching banshee with spikes for hair after putting my kids to bed. My poor daughter gets all of the Momitude that is thrown my son’s way since they share a room now. The kid is allergic to sleep. He has NEVER been anything remotely close to a decent sleeper. It was 9 months before he slept through the night, and ever since then, i get maybe 4 out of 7 days consistently. Bad dreams, can’t manage a blanket, frightened of shadows and specks of dust on the carpet.

I remember being a little kid scared of the dark. Hell, i was scared of the dark until i was 30! BUT. I was clever enough to quietly sneak into my parent’s room and just sleep. I did not scream the house down. I did not wake up every soul in the house. I did not holler and thrash and scream.

I do not have the patience sometimes I feel I should and it just piles onto the mom guilt we start after delivery … or conception.


Recently i’ve been feeling guilty i haven’t kept up with my witty reparte on motherhood and all things cynical. But currently, I’m seriously feeling accomplished if i have a roll of toilet paper in each bathroom. I finally washed my sheets today just because the idea of my kids getting on the bed in the morning made my skin crawl.

Forget that i’ve been sleeping on them!

Perhaps i’ve over-shared. That is just where my brain is at. I just don’t care.


Girl Power

Published November 13, 2012 by sarcasmica

I had a great morning with my daughter today. Every morning is good, we wake up, we play, we take my son to school, come back home and play more. Today, however, we had a playdate at a whole new adventure for her. It was a ‘bounce house’. It was at a kiddie sports play area, but they had a bouncy area. This was the first time she had to navigate such a place without her big brother to pave the way. I’d like to say she ran in and was fearless, however, she’s smarter than that. ๐Ÿ™‚ย  She was more interested in kicking the soccer ball around with me. So we did this for a good half hour. She braved the smallest kiddie bouncy that had tiny slides. It was great training for her. She got herself up to the top, then slid down and was soooo proud of herself and excited! I thought we finally had lift off.

Then she walked into the towering seaweed.

The inflated seaweed tower.

The inflated seaweed tower that rebounded off her little body and whacked her right back.

Game over.

After that , she was finished. No amount of coaxing, coaching, or cheering was going to get her back into that godforsaken contraption with the man-eating seaweed.

My poor little darling.

So we did another 20 minutes with the soccer balls.

After watching a few kids go up and down the BIG slide, and in and out of the jumping contraptions, i figured i had to suck it up and do it with her.

On a side note, i am not the smallest waifiest of moms. One challenge i’ve made for myself by being this stature is that navigating play areas is always a bit sticky. I think for being 5’11 and 2*(&lbs I carry myself fairly well. But i’m never sure of the rules at these places. I don’t know the weight limit on the inflatables. Sure, they are generator powered to ensure a constant inflation, but what if Rhino mom climbs to the top of the slide? ! Will it hold?! What are these poor children and parents thinking as i am climbing above them?

Come to think of it, the slide ‘stairs’ were vacant behind us… hmmm.. can’t say i blame ’em!

Anyhoo, so I took off the shoes and began my climb to the top. My daughter wanted nothing to do with it. I did it solo to show her there were no teeth hiding to chomp bodies at the top of the stairs. I called out to her, then slid down.

My daughter is a sucker for a good slide, so i had a feeling it would just take one demonstration. Thank goodness. I looked pretty silly doing this solo !

So after watching my survival to the bottom, she suddenly got a rush of courage. She jumped up and attempted, weakly, to approach the stairs with me. I ended up having to lift her up to each rung. Once at the top, she had begun to whimper and whine a bit, but then we sat at the precipice of funland. She zipped her lip and squealed with delight the whole way down.

I felt triumphant! I introduced her to a whole new world of fun!

“One more time, please, mommy!”


So up we climbed , each time she was more and more brave until finally after the third climb she did it all by herself. ๐Ÿ™‚ย  She managed to talk me into a total of five trips up that stairway and down the slide.

Covered in grime and sock sweat, to preserve my own heartbeat, i had to find another outlet for her new adventurous side.

Into the bouncy castle we went.

Yes, we. I waited until it was empty to go in. She wouldn’t go in unless i was already in so as i was waiting for her to climb in and through the kiddie door net, a bigger girl followed her in. After my brave girl got her footing, i stood up and gently fake-bounced so she could get the hang of it. Pretty soon we were both squealing with delight as i bounced higher, causing her to rocket more vertical each time. Then I threw all caution to the wind and landed on my rear end. She thought that was hilarious and demanded ‘again’ about three more times.

2 hours later, sweaty and proud of ourselves, we put our shoes back on and walked out to the van with heads held high and grins slapped on our faces.

What a fantastic mommy moment for me! I love that kid so much, and it was really amazing to enjoy such a cool ‘first’ being able to focus singly on her, and not just let my son help her through another experience because it’s easier.

My Kids

Published November 9, 2012 by sarcasmica

I wanted to write somewhat of a letter to my kids.

I want you to know how much you are loved, and how i am truly thankful and proud to call you mine. Your dad and I have always wanted you, and we were over the moon when we found out you would be taking up space in my belly waiting to be grown.

My son, my Gagey-P, you have been a challenge from the beginning! My body had to work extra hard to make you, and because of that you had to be urged out a bit early. You and I figured it out together, and I thank you for almost always keeping the potty business in the diaper.

I will always keep the pictures of your ‘helmet era’ to A- remind you that perfect head was created (more than once!) and B- the hard things never last long, and the payoffs are usually fantastic

You taught me the boundaries of my patience and how deeply I can take in a breath. You have always been so smart and special. Always wanting to know the why’s and how’s. I’m afraid i never had all the answers, but i am confident you will find them for yourself. Your grandpa Phil would be very proud of that trait. Just do your own kids a favor and stop just short of trivial and obnoxious knowledge ๐Ÿ™‚

You have challenged your teachers from the start. Know that just because they are teachers, they aren’t always right just as I as your parent might also very rarely be wrong. However, you always respect the knowledge and work those teachers have put into their jobs. You are a special guy who will always require the best of your instructors. If you give them some credit and leeway, it will be returned. For those that don’t return it, go back to the helmet lesson and know the hard times do not last. One semester in the grand scheme of things is a blip.

You have a phenomenal ability to see good in peers that might not get that from others. You make friends so easily, and I’m glad for that.ย  You will most likely always be a leader. Be a responsible one.

I am so proud of the big brother you have been to Gemma. She looks to you for everything. You may be tempted to take advantage of that, but be cautious. The fart songs you teach her now may come back to haunt you at an important event .. like graduation or your first date

Big brothers are important to little sisters. Just ask your uncles.

Gage, I love you to the end of space, to every star and back. Never ever forget or question that.

To My Gemma, you have been such a blessing to our whole family. You are forever making us laugh. From the beginning, you have been sure of what you want, including your own name!ย  You have the same strength your brother has, and i can’t tell you how proud that makes me. As a girl, you will sometimes have a challenge being strong, but don’t ever try to diminish that. Strength in girls is rare and beautiful.

You have been such a happy girl and i can only hope that will grow and become a foundation for you.

In your beautiful blue eyes, i do not only see the father who gave them to you. I see a beautiful individual girl with so much light. Do not give that light to just anyone. Choose your friends wisely. Choose the right ones and they will be there the rest of your life.

Your brother, while wise, is also a big brother. Do not believe everything he tells you. Especially if it involves fire or scissors. He will always be your champion, and hold him to that. Don’t let him get away with anything less, and he will try.. right around high school. Space is fine as long as there’s a limit. Also know there will come a day when he will realize you have taught him just as much as he’s taught you. Go easy on him. He is, afterall, a boy, and they aren’t quite as intelligent as us gals.

Gemma, you are my angel and I love you more than all the animals on earth. From bees to buffalos!

I want you both to know that sometimes I’m hard on you, but that’s not out of dislike or disappointment. Rather, I know how capable and strong you both are, and I want you to know your own strength. I will not always be there to help. I cannot be everywhere to protect you. What i can do is give you the tools so you can always rely on yourself because of what I have taught you.

Your friends will teach you all sorts of things. I promise you that. They wont always be lifelong lessons. Please understand the difference. How to jump off a roof and why you should never jump off a roof are very different lessons. One is fun momentarily, but the other has the potential to make you happier for much longer. ๐Ÿ™‚

You are both the lights of my life. I had a life before you, and you might even hear it spoken about wistfully by me, but know surely that I always chose where I put myself. Seeing you both grow and give your teachers hell (Gage) was something I am very thankful for. It took the place of a fulfillment work gave me. It was miles more difficult, but everything great is hard fought for. That’s parenting. Please know, if you read this in your teen years, that you are loved. No matter what. Also know your parents were once teenagers as well. Sure we never had flying cars or push-button meals, but every generation has their own challenges. Dad had dinosaurs and i had the 90’s!

Understand your worth. At times you might not believe it, but it’s my hope that I will always believe it and show it enough for both of us. You will have that to draw on when you are running low. Your mom and dad forever believe in your strength and importance.

The only true disappointment i can foresee is either of you forgetting your greatness and choosing a path that would prove this. No matter what, or when, you mean something to your parents and to each other. Your worth does not belong in the hands of others. Not friends or teachers, or boyfriends or girlfriends. Your worth is in your own hands. People can fortify this, they can add to it or dent it, but never allow them the power to take it from you. Nobody is worth that.

There will come a day your dad and I wont be there for you. It’s a sad fact of life. Something both of your parents have been through. You will always have each other, though. My hope and dream is for you to find happiness in your life and to follow it. Live a life your parents would be proud of. A life that completes each of you individually, but always share the story with each other. Lessons don’t end when you finish school, or move out of mom and dad’s house. We may not live forever, but in you, we will always and forever be with you.

Now go into the world and raise hell !!

We love you more than all the stars and lights in the sky.

-Mom (and dad)

Relocating Posts

Published November 2, 2012 by sarcasmica

Over the next few days, i need to relocate some of my old entries from another site that failed to maintain an operational status for their users. I suppose I could just copy and paste the old entries into Word and save it that way, but then i wouldn’t get to share my poignant and socially relevant thoughts and stories!!




Published November 2, 2012 by sarcasmica

One of the parenting differences
At 12:30 am this morning my son wakes me up by screaming the house down.ย  I jump out of bed out of preservation. I dont want him waking up the 2 yr old in the bunk below.
I’m telling him between a clenched jaw to be QUIET and not wake up his sister.

As an afterthought i ask whats wrong.

The absence of any bears or ghosts or witches tells me all i need to know; there is no reason on this earth for that noise to be allowed out of this child’s face.
“My toe!!! My toe!!!”
During his bath earlier, i discovered the entire bottom of his big toe peeled off. But not OFF. Its just dangling there, mocking the new skin. Not quite ready to jump off. He will not allow me to cut it off, either so after the bath, i put a band aid on it.
Apparently during the BRIEF time he was asleep, the band aid fell off and his toe was rubbing against his sheet.
This, of course, is the calm and intelligible translation of what i actually heard.
“MOOOOOMMM!!! Heeeeelp me helpme helpme helpme helpme helpme!!!!!”
*gasp gasp heave whimper whine gasp heave whine*

Its amazing what your children teach you about yourself. I know a lot of my own limits now. For instance, i don’t communicate very well after being woken up by screaming after only having slept an hour. I manage to keep from tearing mine and my child’s hair out by gritting my teeth, and whisper-yelling.
Yes, whisper yelling.
Who knew?!
Parents of small children, that’s who!
Its not as effective as, say, lighting a scarecrow on fire, or an air horn, but i have found it cuts through a lot of middle of the night hysteria. Partly because it makes me sound batshit crazy, effectively bugging my kid’s eyes out and somehow resetting the common sense meter in his head.
After coming back to bed heaving my frustration, the husband pipes up in the opposite voice.
I hear a mouse squeak, “everything ok? Bad dream?”
To which i growl, “he’s fine, it was just his fucking toe!”

hubbz: “I was gonna go in there, but didn’t want to make it worse.”
He was afraid something was wrong simply because our son was using the phrase “help me!”

That’s the difference between my husband and I. I (usually) know when something is an actual emergency, or a perceived 6 year old ’emergency’ simply by the tone of the screech/yell/scream/cry. He was afraid, i don’t know, someone was crawling through the window to snatch our son out of his bed, perhaps. He said he was waiting there with his heart thrumming hoping it was all ok. Based on the noises he was hearing, he was certain it was serious.

I had a few choice mumblings in my own head about my response time vs my husband’s, but i kept it to myself.

In the span of half a second, i can :

a-wake up

b- jump out of bed which is no easy feat given the structure of my body

c- identify the source of the noise

d-measure it against logic i.e. is the dog barking as well? is there a fire alarm going off? is my husband still snoring?

e- exit my bedroom to hunt down the culprit

In that same span of time, my better half can :

a-kind of wake up

…. *crickets*

b – hope I have it under control


On the other hand, he’s probably a much better option to help the child in need at that time since he somehow possesses a heaping barrel more compassion and understanding than I have at 12:30 in the morning. But alas, my son gets the first responder, not the best.

We all made it through the night, and after waking up, i trusted myself with my cuticle trimmers and even managed to convince my son to let me take care of the offending skin.

Problem solved. Without so much as a screech or holler.

7:30 am is so much more amenable to disasters than o’ dark thirty.

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