Dear Santa

I never got around to sending my list to you  because i feel we’re at a place where i can just speak out loud and you’ll hear me. This is my son’s take on the whole thing, anyway.

So here’s my list.

1. Kids who go to sleep at bedtime

(it’s not much and epic all at the same time)

2. I’d like to be able to ingest alcohol without reprocussions

this comes in handy if you forgo wish #1

3. Any abundant calories i may mistakenly throw down my gullet finds the ass and thighs of all the bitches from high school

4. a full night’s sleep

5. Please help my husband see the wealth of sexiness that could be his in doing any of the everyday mundane chores. i.e. laundry/dishes/diapers There’s an abundance of desire laying around this house, and he doesn’t even realize it. It never quite looks the same on “mom”.

6. As always, that magic pill that would melt away the fat along with the desire to ingest the fat (and the most important part) -free from any side effects like liver damage, anal leakage, kidney failure, heart murmurs, brain aneurisms, bladder leakage, and/or sleepwalking

This list is very short and, i feel, completely within my rights as a grown ass woman still willing to write a letter to Santa. If anything is unclear or my motives are not understood, consult Mrs. Claus. Surely she can clear it all up.

Sincerely,

-S