Breaking it down and Breaking down

Today was my son’s IEP meeting. First we had the big meeting to determine whether we should have him assessed. Then we had the follow up to that where i learned he qualified for services. Now we needed to have the meeting where the goals were set and i signed off on starting services.

The last two meetings I was great. I was positive, upbeat about what he needed and why. I was open and honest about the trouble he’s had with things in previous schools and even at home. All i could think of was the goal to get him to the services so he could have that extra bump and maybe make school a bit easier for him.

That was all working until today. Combine very severe PMS symptoms today to just the night before having to be counseled on parenting my husband’s daughter who is living with us, and now it’s 8 in the morning and i haven’t had much sleep and zero food.. i’m sitting there with my coffee cup with my son’s baby pictures all over it and i’m having to hear things like, “He will be pulled out and do {this} service with other Special Ed kids… you know, other kids with similar goals” … and “his accommodations will include single basic directions, and not an overwhelming amount of information”  and “He’ll be allowed access to any noise cancelling devices he wants like headphones ”

and the whole time i’m having a terrible movie playback in my head of all the parenting mistakes i’ve made with him. The reel is on a loop. The time i overreacted and yelled, or the time he was spanked, or the time i just couldn’t listen to one more question and told him to be quiet for 5 minutes, or the time i reacted to him pushing and/or hitting his sister

All the moments played as the mediator is talking to me about how another goal is attentive listening.

oops.

wonder where he gets that

Also in this reel were giant gaps. Gaps where i could have been working on pencil grasp with him. How hard is it to sit and draw or color with your kid? The gaps where I could have been working on reading with him, but instead let him play video games.

So i managed to hold it together the whole 20 minutes, but once i got to my car, the flood gates came crashing down and i sobbed. I just want my kid to be happy and successful in life. Sometimes that doesn’t seem like a tall order, and others it feels like a request to lasso the moon. I felt like such a low parent at that point and somehow my slacking caused all of this for my child.

Logically, maybe not, but in my Mom Heart, it’s absolutely my fault because aren’t all your children’s shortcomings your own fault?

I don’t know, i just know it was a low moment. Hopefully it will quickly be overshadowed by his progress. That’s my hope. Onward and upward.. i hope with less mental car breakdowns.