The Human Body is Gross

Published January 25, 2013 by sarcasmica

As miraculous and wonderful as giving birth is, it’s also disgusting and messy and embarrassing and completely excruciating. I have done this twice and each time was more awkward and painful and messy than the last. The biggest annoyance is that the gore doesn’t end with labor. It just. keeps. going!

All the aftermess, and then the recovery and all the things you have to do to yourself to heal properly without having a cavernous scarred and lumpy orifice between your legs .. blech!

So whenever i have to do something that would normally be slightly uncomfortable, or a bit awkward, or embarrassing, i just remind myself, “Hey, you’ve managed to push two humans out of your hoo ha for an audience of strangers. This is nothing. Suck it up, Buttercup!”

So today was one of those times. I have some skin issues. My father generously passed down some fun skin tag gene to me, and while this was a humiliating embarrassment in elementary school and high school, there’s just nothing i can really do about it. I’ve also developed a few moles. No biggie, but since i’ve lived in So Cal, Arizona, and Austin TX, i feel I should pay a bit of attention to these things. My husband has been bugging me to get a mole on my back checked for a little while, and i finally shoved all the crap off my keyboard to find my desk and make an appointment.

I went today with my 2 year old in tow, of course. Dermatologist offices always freak me out a little. I don’t know why. There’s skin cream and beauty products all over the place. The only time you see plastic tubes and bottles behind glass cases. I feel i’m being judged when i go in, like, “Damn! I didn’t know we had an overhaul special going on this week! Come on in and have a seat!”

So i greet the two College Barbies at the desk, hand over all the necessaries, and wait. An over-pouty faced Catfish calls me to the back and has me sit on the table. It seems the poor thing had her personality sucked out when they puffed up her lips. Her shiny tightly pulled face did nothing to comfort me, either. My daughter couldn’t look at her.

So I explain why i’m there, the doctor eventually comes in and shakes my hand before man-handling my torso. It took him a while to walk all the way around and check my plethora of body. Sitting there in a paper ‘shirt’ that barely contained my mushroom top just added to the whole experience. 

He informs me it’s probably nothing to worry about, but they’ll take a biopsy to be sure. Catfish numbed my back and Dr Botox dug away and put the golden nugget into a liquid-filled jar.

I felt like a science experiment, but I just kept chanting my birth mantra in my head; “You did THAT, so surely you can do this.”

I really didn’t feel too bad about it. She slapped a band aid on my back, said goodbye and grimaced at my daughter as we left.

I was surprised at how little i felt, really. I got home after taking my daughter to a birthday party and checked my back in the mirror.

The damned band aid was only half on and i got a good look at the crater Dr Botox carved into my back. Holy shit!

They numbed me for the biopsy, so i had no clue or reference for size. I did think to myself the slimy creature that was put into the biopsy jar was kind of large, but that must’ve been a combo of my imagination and terrible eyesight.

Nope.

And worse yet is the location of the now missing chunk of back skin. Right in the middle above my bra. An impossible place to re bandage on my own. I was so annoyed at the lack of sticking by Assistant Catfish, i just yanked the thing off thinking “pshh, band aids are for pussies!”  (this was BEFORE i saw the missing geography!) I immediately regretted this after seeing a-all the blood on the band aid and b- realizing i did actually need something covering it.

I couldn’t ask my 2 year old to bandage it for me. I’d end up with Elmo bandaids and Cookie Monster sticking to the painful part, or across my bra strap. Not to mention her goober germ covered fingers wanting to touch and poke while asking “Whats THAT?!”

So i did it on my own with one hand, two mirrors, held breath and a lot of hope. I’m still not 100% sure it didn’t stick to the wrong spot because where i felt nothing before, i’m bothered and limited now.

In all my overinflated comedic effect exaggeration i should put a disclaimer that it’s less than the diameter of a dime that was taken, but damn it’s ugly and kind of deep!

So that’s how my weekend is beginning. Hope that makes you all feel better about your days 🙂

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