How To Spot A Mother

This post is inspired by the pimply-faced moron at Toys R Us who thought I needed to be informed that my child WILL fall out of the cart if i move it before she sat down.

No shit, Sherlock. You see these gray hairs? The frumpy uniform of stretch pants and T shirt?! You see the lack of make up on my face? This translates to : “I know, shithead!”

So on the way home, instead of fuming and turning back to smack him across the rump, i used my evil powers to make a list of how he and others like him might be able to spot a mother.

How To Spot A Mom

• Gray hair. This also means gray roots because she hasn’t had a chance to freshen up the dye job. – but the kid’s hair looks great!
• Comfy pants especially yoga pants or sweats
• Gigantic purse with receipts and wipes on the verge of falling out
• Lack of Makeup
• Woman has make up on with large earrings and/or hair accessories ; babysitter/teacher/daycare adult – NOT the mom

These are the overall first recognizable signs. From here we differentiate between a mom of one, or many;

•  If all the kids are in freshly washed well-fitted newer clothes, this may indicate a daycare on a field trip.
•  Kids in hand me downs/ill fitting faded clothes and possible stains; they are all hers.
•  Child having a tantrum and mom is continuing with her shopping with a faraway look on her face – this is not her first rodeo. She’s done it before, mom of multiple kids.
• Mom yanking kid to a corner after he’s raised his voice one time – mom of one
•  DVDs, hot dogs, chips, and one obligatory fruit in the cart – mom of mult. kids
• organic fruit and vegetables with soy anything – mom of one

Now we can differentiate between first time moms (New mom) and one who has been around the OB/GYNs office once or twice:

•  Mom has accessorized the stains on her shirt – experienced mom
•  Baby is locked and seat-belted into the cart over a cart cover and a bottle of sanitizer is being whipped out repeatedly = First time mom.
•  Kid is kneeling/standing/jumping and POSSIBLY sitting in any location other than the kid’s area up front in a shopping cart = mom of multiple kids.
• Woman on phone in the baby aisle – you have to pay attention to this one. If she’s tense and confused looking = first time mom ; if she seems to be laughing and relaxed = mom of multiple kids taking advantage of some ‘quiet time’ at the grocery store

So before anyone opens their mouth to give some sound advice to a woman with a kid(s), please take this list into consideration. Just because she has one visible child, do not assume anything. She might even be by herself – the Holy Grail – assume nothing.

This list is for your own health!

Good luck out there!