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All posts for the month February, 2013

Pinterest can suck it

Published February 25, 2013 by sarcasmica

I love my Pinterest account, but damn if it doesn’t make me feel like a 2 inch tall parent!
I see all these “Rainy day activities” and “Educational tools” and “Decorate with duct tape and straws” and “Gourmet meals beginning with farming your own meat and veggies” and here i am … with the kids in front of the TV, drinking my Pumpkin Liqueur all “Pssshhh, but i bet they don’t sleep with their husbands anymore” or “yea, but i wonder when the last time they played Musical ‘let’s pick up the dirty dishes before daddy gets home'”, or “Sure she can paint, stucco, wallpaper and build her own living room, but is she sober?!”  or stayed in their PJs until 3 just because they can.

and that makes me a terrible person.

I know deep down – or perhaps more towards the surface- i should feel more, “wow, good for her!” or “she is giving a GREAT name to Stay at Home Moms!” “kuddos for still being sober by bath time!”

But noooOOOOooo

The petty dissatisfied me is more like, “Goddammit, stop making the rest of us look so bad !”

When was the last time you rolled out fondant and baked a 12 layer birthday cake from scratch for your kid and 15 of their closest friends just because you could … or , worse yet, because you happened upon a pin and thought, “I can totally do that!” … and then actually DID IT. ?!

I have always bought my kid’s cakes from the baker… i like to think of myself as Old School. Renaissance-type mom. Back when each person in the village had a job, and you went to that person to support your community and help businesses stay afloat.  I’m not the selfish parent who keeps all that work to herself. I don’t mind spreading around the appreciation for someone else cleaning up all those dirty dishes and fondant-covered counters and flour encrusted aprons.

I’m green. In that i pay someone else to do it.

🙂

So to all you prim and proper, pressed and powdered hell bent on capability moms out there. I raise my finger to you! One finger on each hand. I salute your get up and go. I recognize your hard work and dedication, and my thumbs are up to you…..
and perhaps one middle finger.

The Light

Published February 22, 2013 by sarcasmica

I can see the light at the end of the tunnel! My husband gets back tomorrow after 2 weeks away.

I can finally tag team the other parent of these li’l whippersnappers. … well, after the required jet lag is dealt with, at least…. then he’s back to regular work, so i’m still solo during the day. So i guess next weekend will be the real light after he’s had a week to decompress… then, perhaps, i’ll get to decompress by catching up on the 2 weeks worth of laundry he’ll bring back.

So scratch that, one more day until i get MORE work to do! Weeeeee!

But at least he puts out.

 

SKype…

Published February 21, 2013 by sarcasmica

I love you BUT

These are totally first world problems, i know. But still.

So my husband gets to is forced to travel for work pretty often. It really isn’t too big of a deal, but it’s for 2 weeks at a time usually… and when you factor in the zombie period when he’s first back, he’s really not back for a good 2.5 weeks. I’m so thankful for Skype because it does help, and my iPhone is amazing. I can Skype anywhere. Yesterday i was on the way to Costco with my kids and was able to just hand the phone back to my son and they chatted for about a minute and a half. So my kids don’t necessarily feel like he’s “GONE” when he’s gone.

However. Here’s where i’m done with it. Because AT&T kind of sucks monkey balls, we can’t text when he’s gone. He goes to Europe and there’s roaming and all the BS that’s involved there. So i can text him, but he can only email me. My email timer is every 15 minutes because it’s bad enough i get pinged when junk mail comes in, i don’t need to know every bill pay confirmation and male enhancement advert that comes down the pike … so to speak. 🙂

So we can’t really plan out which days/times we can Skype because he’s “working” all hours, then you factor in the time difference and we have to plan around his meal times, etc etc etc etc.

The first week it’s no big deal and totally worth it. We’re still jazzed to see each other, we miss each other and hope things are going well.

By late first weekend he’s gone, i stop caring if my hair is out of place when we Skype. I hardly ever have make up on, and use my glasses to hide my eye bags.

I usually have a sweatshirt on, and in the case today, still have my pajamas on at 12:30.

The last statement isn’t completely unusual for a day here, but when he’s in town working 10 mins away, he doesn’t KNOW my daughter and i are still in PJs at lunch time. If he sees it on Skype, he can just imagine i’m having a rough morning following an even rougher night and i’m entitled to some laziness.

This was only half the case today, but shhhh, don’t tell him.

So while i do love Skype and how easy it seems to make the travelling. By week 2, i’m done and i’m just ready for him to come home. The idle chit chat doesn’t get brought up. It seems if we’re making time to sit in front of a low light web cam, i’m not going to bring up that our son forgot that he brought lunch yesterday and bought it instead. Meanwhile a perfectly good lunch is sitting in his backpack feeling like it got a stay from death row. However, there’s nothing really of note for me to bring up that makes much difference in his day. My Moms Club functions hardly register on the big importants for him.. he’ll listen, but it’s like me listening to his work chatter. I just want to hear he misses me. So he’s really damned if he does and damned if he doesn’t by this point. If we don’t bring up what the other wants to hear, it’s just work to talk about other stuff.

He talks about work more the second week.

You can’t exactly roll your eyes undetected on Skype.

I have to look interested where, if it were a phone call or email, i could put it down and walk away til it got interesting.

And i have to contribute and ask questions to keep the conversation going.

On the upside, a head nod is completely admissible. Doesn’t work as well over the phone.

By week 2 the kids could care less that daddy is on the computer. They just want to play with the mouse and the keyboard and the tons of shit i have surrounding the desk. Everything else is more interesting and we pretend that doesn’t hurt his feelings.

Which brings me back to having to look acceptable for a phone conversation that happens to be hosted by a web cam. When i’m on the phone, i don’t have to look at myself and see what i look like talking.

I don’t like looking at myself that much! It’s distracting. I start thinking, “Damn! When did that pop up?!”  and  “Has that been there all day?” or, “I should call a dermatologist about that.”  and the favorite. “Oh weight watchers, how far i have fallen!”

Where he looks great regardless! F-ing men. They can age gracefully while we take on all the other shit .. as per usual.

I figured out the other night why this is. A breakthrough!

Moms/Women take on all the stress and worry of life. Who’s the kid playing with at school/ What bad words will he say to the teacher/ when is the next pediatrician appointment/ has the diaper rash gone away yet / which store is having the sale on oranges this week/ who’s low on stock for lunches/ are we out of diapers/ which autopay needs to be postponed ’til the next check/ how long has it been since the sheets were washed/ what will i wear in replacement of clean underwear (this one, to be fair, must register with my husband since i’m so awful at laundry)

This is what we have running on a constant ticker tape in our heads all day. Compare this to:

I wonder what’s for dinner/should i put gas in the car, or has the light been on for only the drive TO work/i wonder if i have to take the trash out tonight/when in the hell am i gonna get laid/what happened to all my socks and underwear?!

Which will show more wear and tear on a face over the course of, oh i dunno, say 10 years? !

MINE! That’s what.

Conundrum

Published February 19, 2013 by sarcasmica

There comes a time for every mom when she has to make a choice. To allow the nap, or not to allow the nap.

Crazy to even consider this is a question, right?! At some point your kid hits the dreaded age where they’ve outgrown their nap. I’m not talking about introducing a ‘quiet time’ or ‘mommy’s drinking time’, but simply when they’ve stopped sleeping. Then a short time after this, a day will come when your child will show the tell tale signs of an oncoming nap. Then what?!

Every fiber in your being tells you, “YESSSSSSSSSS!”

“Jackpot!”

“Hellz yea !!!”

But don’t let that cloud your judgement or reality. It’s a trap ! It’s soooooo very tempting to let that little sucker sleep, but i’m here to tell you DONT DO IT!

I have tried to relearn this lesson over and over again. With some kids it’s more important than others. This happens to be the case with my 6 year old. Under no circumstances should he be allowed a nap.

But time and again i fall into the doughnut-glazed trap.

The thought of my cranky, moody, grumpy sleepy boy resetting his brain for a little while and giving me, and possibly my daughter, some peace and quiet just proves too tempting sometimes. Take yesterday for example. We had a long fun great day at the zoo. Actually the longest period of time we’ve ever spent at the zoo. The kids were running 80% of the time, and it was a hilly trek. We saw few animals, but every play area! So as i pull in the driveway, i see the toddler-of course- sleeping, but my 6 year old had also blessedly fallen asleep.

First instinct, “WOOHOO!”

Next instinct 2 seconds later, “Shit. Now what?”

After sitting in my driveway for 20 minutes, i decide to just bite the bullet and get them all out.

Once into the house, my son crumples on the sofa and goes back to sleep.

I left him.

2 hours later we had cub scouts. I was CERTAIN he would go to sleep as usual that night simply because of how exhausting the whole stinking day was.

NegatEEEv-O

At 10:30 i was banging my head against the wall repeating “Why Why Why Why WHY did you allow that nap ?!!”

Because as per usual mom rules i was damned if i did and damned if i didn’t.

Don’t let the kid sleep and you are subjecting yourself to hours of fits, arguing, talking back, bickering and fighting. … and not getting along with the toddler, to boot.

Let him sleep and i have the longest date ever with the kid that ends somewhere around 11.

Keep in mind that though these little monkeys were able to recharge after a FUN day at the zoo, mommy got nada. Half a cup o’ joe does not equal the recharge of a nap. I was ready to turn in at 9:30!

So here i sit at 9:40 the following morning and i’m already ready for a nap.

Let’s hope something constructive gets done today. … like working my way down the DVR list. That counts, right?! It’s not watching TV if the shows are in list form, it’s WORK

What We REALLY Want

Published February 13, 2013 by sarcasmica

I have the answer you’re looking for this Valentine Eve, men. Ready?

There’s a guy with beautiful pecs, rock hard abs, dripping wet. He’s leaning against a counter. He’s got that sexy glint in his eye. His big firm capable hands are holding …
a soapy dish in one hand and a sponge in the other. He’s washing, oh yea, scrubbing hard. He’s scrubbing the crap out of the baked on casserole from dinner.

Ok ok, i got ya. No really , here’s what we want.

That same hot guy. He’s again half naked and shirtless. He’s sweaty and distracted. He’s distracted by the giant tool he’s holding in his firm grip. He’s looking at you while he holds his tool. You see his lips part and he licks them before asking you, “where do you want it?”
You gasp. Is this really happening?!
“Where do you want me to hang the picture?”

Yesssss !!! Finally !

It’s not rocket science. Men fantasize about women in stupid french maid outfits waving a feather duster around in heels. Women just imagine the same version only the men actually get the work done. It’s the opposite of real life! Guys fantasize the work doesn’t happen, it’s all about the outfit and being distracted by the need for the guy. Women fantasize about men actually getting the job done. Sex would come after he has completed the work. 

So very simple really.

Or, i thought it was until i went online looking for a picture to cement my fantasy theory.

Sadly, i had to search high and low to find something to add here. I was shocked there weren’t more oiled up, dripping wet meat heads elbow deep in some suds.

Truthfully, i had to do a vanilla search because i have my 2 year old in the vicinity. Last thing i want imprinted on her mind is a picture of a naked guy with rubber gloves on. I had no idea a shirtless guy doing housework would be the holy grail.

Talk about life imitating art !!!

Happy Valentine’s Day everyone! I hope you all get what you truly want. A “job” well done.

Holy Crap

Published February 13, 2013 by sarcasmica

I didn’t know what else to call this post. Sadly, that was the best i had.

So i’m often overwhelmed by how challenging my kids can be. .. my son especially. Every once in a while, the universe puts it all in perspective for me.

I made a stop at Target today after picking up my first grader. To my amazement, both kids behaved famously.

a record, for sure

So we’re finishing up and i’m passing through the kids books and CDs when i hear “Bye bye!”  “Buh Bye!”  “Bye bye!”

In the same deep male voice. I had no idea what I was hearing, as there were a couple of employees also taking cover in this area chatting about anything but work related stuff.

Walking away, i just figured i heard wrong, or someone was messing around.

I herd my cattle to the check stand, unload all the unnecessaries, make it to the credit card machine when i hear the voice again. Turns out it was a very large mentally disabled young man with another guy and their mom – i’m assuming she was their mom.

Nothing makes a crowd more uncomfortable than a big seemingly unstable person.

As much as i’d love to say everyone is wonderful and loved and equal and a human – which is true – a highly impulsive person not fully in control of all their faculties is just a monumentally uncomfortable situation.

This guy was talking about handshake circles and telling the checker to say certain things, and telling the checker to do this and do that.

And i’m just praying my outspoken first grader doesn’t say something hugely embarrassing. (and amazingly, he didn’t)  I kept myself between my kids who were busily playing on my iphone and the family in question.

So then the guy who must’ve been around 19 stands behind the woman and is hugging her from behind, rubbing his face in her ponytail, then moves to the other guy and starts rubbing his cheek on his face.

It was all very alien to me and i just wanted the hell out of there.

And i realized how easy i have it.

I don’t know how parents cope sometimes given those extreme circumstances. I am certain i couldn’t do it. Kuddos to them for sure.

But it still makes me feel like i’m standing near someone juggling with live ammunition.

 

 

My Grammy Summary

Published February 11, 2013 by sarcasmica

So i am by no means a music buff. But i do appreciate a good tune. I have even been known to belt one out when the only ears to torture are mine own. And those of my children… but i figure it goes with the minivan territory. Perhaps that is why my son’s favorite spot is the last row  ?? hmmm

Anyway, so i missed the opening – thank God – I understand it was Ms Swift. Her career, unfortunately, has not been so.

Swift, that is.

But there’s hope it’ll piddle out once her devoted fans reach puberty and get sick of the same break-up song… or get married.

It must be said that while i am first and foremost a country fan, i do dabble in pop. I have been known to purchase Now That’s What I Call Music cds even.

“CD?! What’s that?!” You might ask.

It’s was the iTunes predecessor, little ones. I wont even roll the DeLorean’s clock back to ye old audio tape. That would just blow your mind.

(remember rolling the tape back with a pencil and freaking out it might be ruined? good times.)

So I was fairly knowledgeable in most categories and performances.

I’m an hour from the end as my DVR is paused to skip the commercials, but so far here’s my take.

Taylor Swift – meh. Get over yourself and to whomever selects the seating of these jesters: PLEASE do not seat her in the front row again. She’s distracting and apparently dating all of the camera men because they couldn’t resist the sing along shot during every. single. performance.

Miranda Lambert – from one chub to another, fire your stylist (or get one) I love ya, girl, but the itty bitty skirts are not doing the song any favors. She’s usually such a great performer, but the ballads are hard to watch. But i love you and i’d steal a car with you just for the road trippin songs

JT – meh. Not especially impressed with the BoyBand Breakaway Diva

Rihanna – i cannot express in words how disappointing it is to watch you as a woman. You made yourself a public victim and now you are retracing your own bruises. Such a shame to waste such vision with scum. I don’t know her from Adam, but the public information seems to be pretty black and white.

Bruno Mars – the love affair continues. You may be 3 feet tall, but I don’t mind. You could be my own iPod. I’d carry you around in my purse and just push something when i want a new song. Him with Sting , even better, them with the Marley’s – amazing. I will even bite my tongue on commenting about the double duty dreds sweeping the stage.

Whoever was seated in front of Adele – go buy a lotto ticket because your ass is lucky.

Can you imagine hearing her sing along with every performance?!

Heaven.

And ditto on the luck if you were in FRONT of her because the less you saw of that dress, the better! Hideous bathmat sheath.

I’m now a fan of Mumford and Sons. That was pretty cool. I couldn’t fast forward through it and that’s saying something.

Kelly Clarkson, you are one talented Idol !

hehe

And Jack White – who i’m always mistakenly thinking “Jack Black” – you can crawl back to the Meatloaf crypt you came out of.

Not a fan, sorry.

And that’s all for now! I’m gonna ff the rest and hit the hay  because i have an incredibly important gig tomorrow myself! Giving quality devoted domestic perfection to each and every family member 🙂

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