All posts for the month April, 2013


Published April 29, 2013 by sarcasmica

I had a dream last night.

My friend and I were in her car driving down PCH. Her shiny black karmann ghia.

We were laughing and joking and smiling. The windows were down. It was fantastic.

The radio was on, the sun was shining. After driving for a bit, i turned to her as she looked at me with her radiant smile. She was beaming.

I said, “I miss you, Crystal. Why did you have to go so soon?”

She gave me a sympathetic smile and didn’t say anything.

I told her i loved her.

The wind stopped and everything became still…

and then i woke up.


Just when you think the grieving process is smoothing out, you get hit with something like this and it’s all new again. Even though it’s sad, i am thankful i got to feel like i said goodbye.




Time Frame

Published April 23, 2013 by sarcasmica

As i sit here tonight twiddling my thumbs, i am feeling strange. My husband is away – again – and the kids are in bed, and i’ve finished my OC Housewives and it’s only 9:30.

Now what?

We’ve been in this house, in this state, for nearly a full year. Two months shy of 1 year, actually. This is odd for us. Since my nearly 7 year old was 2.5 we have moved 5 times. 4 of those times were state-to-state moves.

And i swear we aren’t even it witness protection…. parent protection might be more like it, though. Gotta keep CPS busy somehow.

5 times in 4 1/2 years is insane. I don’t recommend it. It’s nice to look back and see that we got through it, and i love that i’ve met so many amazing people, but i don’t like leaving those people behind. It takes a lot for me to put myself into a friendship with someone, and i hate just walking (moving) away from that.

Facebook makes it kind of hard to be ok with leaving those people behind

It’s taken this long for me to look around and realize how much i still have in boxes just out of sheer self-preservation. If i have to pack or unpack another box anytime soon, my head might actually explode. I’ve lost the drive to even care where anything is put. Is there a space on a shelf? There. There’s your answer. I. Don’t. CARE.

Even this house isn’t permanent, as we are hoping to buy our own house soon, but at least we know we are staying in the same zip. The goal is not to change schools. We have already broken the teachers down for my kid, i don’t know that i can do it as well a second time so soon.

But it’s been nice to just settle into a place. This is what normal and boredom feels like. No stress. No drama .. well, minimal drama, anyway. It is still me we are talking about. But instead of feeling bored, i’m going to appreciate the quiet and maybe even find a good book to read.

READING! What the hell is that? !! The last book i ‘read’ was an audiobook. Bossypants by Tina Fey. I’m convinced i can pick up my kindle and actually read words myself. I might start out having to read them out loud out of habit, but eventually i’d like to just go back to reading grown up enjoyable books in my head. No Skippyjon Jones, no Monkeys jumping on beds. No Walter the Farting Dog.

all great books, i might add, but not my own personal favorites.



Published April 21, 2013 by sarcasmica

So i’ve recently discovered i can keep an eye on how many views this little under-the-radar, small town blog gets. I’m 2 from 1000 !

As my husband points out, i have a lot of entries, so that actually doesn’t equal a whole lot, but i don’t care. I’m gonna be a man about it and just mind the number and not the content. … like 36DDDs.   They don’t care if it’s silicone or actual boob meat

I’m serving a 2 week sentence while he travels again. And it’s starting interestingly. The last time he traveled, my son was trying to find any way to sleep in my room with me while he was gone. I don’t know why, this kid does not sleep, so why should it matter where he is? He must fight giant cyborg T-Rexes while blindfold in his sleep. He thrashes and turns and talks and kicks.

Not unlike his mom.

So i told him “Get 100% on your spelling test, and you can sleep in my room when dad’s gone. ONE. NIGHT.”  I have to admit, while we worked and slaved away at this achievement, i wasn’t entirely confident it would happen anytime soon.

So lo and behold this Friday, he got it. His 100%. My elation was short-lived when i realized it meant i have to share my giant bed with my rabid karate nun-chuck-wielding restless abusive sleeping child.

In all his excitement, he informs the 2 year old where he’s sleeping tonight.

Neither of my kids have ever been in the habit of sleeping with us because … well, i just never understood why that door to parent hell ever needed to be opened. Once you let them in, they never leave.

Like a recovering weight watchers client newly off the wagon at a buffet. … she said with zero knowledge of this experience.

I have little control over the other nonsensical parenting issues, why add another that i can actually control ?

Anyway, so my toddler throws her pillow and favorite blanket up onto my bed and declares she will also be camping out on my bed.

I had to hold back an “awwww, HELL no!” and instead let her lay up there for half of a Sesame Street before enduring a tiny Gemma-sized tantrum after putting her back in her bed.

For a 20 minute span, i was running back and forth between the two making a tactical plan with my son to fake the little one out … he had a fit because he didn’t understand fully the point, plus he was tired and not really listening…so then i have one indignant 2 year old refusing to move to her bed, and one 6 year old crying because the lie i was trying to convince him to tell his sister was believed to be truth.

It was a three ring circus that was proving more problem than just letting them have the room while i sleep on the damn couch!

Anyway, suffice it to say i’m now sitting here at 9:55pm dreading the black eye/cheek/boob i’m going to wake up with and just hoping i’ll get enough sleep to function tomorrow and enjoy the day.

Wish me luck, and here’s to (hopefully) 1000 views of my little regurgitation of silly life moments and my sarcastic and hopefully witty spin on reality.

I’m hoping more people will start to leave comments so i can convince my husband the number of views are not just by me re-reading my own entries!


Going Downhill

Published April 18, 2013 by sarcasmica

.. fast.

I used to be a socially acceptable human being… after high school, of course. When i was in (community) college, i didn’t go to school in sweats and yoga pants.

In all fairness, the yoga pant craze hadn’t hit yet.

I didn’t wear stretch pants anywhere

I had jeans on, damnit. Dirty, clean, whatever. They were not track suits, warm up outfits or velour anything. JEANS, muthaf*cka.

And usually a somewhat normal everyday top. No stains. No unraveled seams. No holes. NO STAINS.

If i ate in front of others, i was careful. I took my time. I wiped my mouth with a napkin.

In my “Before” life when i had a paying job, i went to work groomed. Hair combed. Somehow styled. I’ve never been a hairspray fanatic, but worse came to worse, my hair was up in a clip or ponytail. There weren’t any grey hairs.

I could hold a conversation with a peer for longer than five minutes, and it almost never involved a discussion about bodily fluids or breast milk.

When I would go out with my husband, we could stay out beyond 9pm and still be awake enough to drive a car. We would even go places other than a movie theater or restaurant. We went out to dance, drink, have fun, and would know it was time to come home when my shoes began to hurt my feet.

My life has changed dramatically since giving birth to my two little heavenly beings.

I can’t drink coffee/tea/water without planning and making sure there’s bathroom access no longer than 15 minutes after drinking said beverage.

My daily conversations with grown ups are restricted to paying bills and making appointments.

If i have clothes on that i didn’t actually sleep in the night before, i’m dressed. If those clothes don’t have any food/marks/stains on them, i’m dressed UP.

I eat my lunch like an animal when no one is home to see me. I wipe with my hands, i brush onto my pants. Once my toddler goes down for her nap, it’s MY time and i get to eat without anyone asking for a bite, a lick, a taste. I don’t have to cut anyone else’s food up while mine gets cold. I eat my food quick, messy, and hot whenever possible just because it’s the one meal that is almost guaranteed.

I’m like a cavewoman

My hair is more than comfortable going under a hat at any time of the day, and sadly it looks no worse or better after the abuse.

If i’m going through the hassle of going out for the evening, i better be home by 9:30 or i’m sleeping in the car. I am wearing comfortable shoes and stretchy clothes so i can make the most of it, and wherever i go is almost always dark. A movie. A restaurant. Hiding out by the trash cans on the side of the house.

Conversations that strain my mental capacity involve what is in the bank account vs what needs to be paid yesterday. Also, following complicated TV storylines is out. If i’m using time after the kids are in bed, i need to be laughing or comatose.

This is where my life has gone. Sometimes i miss being a human grown up real person. Sometimes. Other times it’s pretty cool that i’m watching a Disney movie at home at 10:30 in the morning and not dealing with other people’s shit all day.

Well, i AM dealing with someone else’s poo, but i made the person who makes the poo, so it’s all above board and totally acceptable.

This is the life, people. I’m now in training to be a senior citizen.

Not the Diva

Published April 18, 2013 by sarcasmica

For many reasons, this is true.

My son is home from school today. He had an earache last night and a cough all week. Tomorrow is PJ/popcorn/stuffed animal party day. He can’t miss that, so i kept him home to try and get better.

We have our priorities here in the Sarcasmica household.

Actually, the party is exciting for him because all the kids got to vote on a theme for their party and this was his idea that his class all supported and voted for. He was beyond excited when he told me this Monday. I’m gonna go ahead and assume it’s the true story. I see class president in his future… or at least Treasurer.

So we are all home. My daughter is now starting to like the Disney Princess movies, so it’s been fun reliving some of these songs and stories with her. I have always been a big fan of Disney so it’s not biggie for me. My son, even, likes the Princess movies so today the new flavor in town is Little Mermaid.

My friend and i used to watch this and belt out the songs and recite the whole movie along with it…. old habits – and i stress the old part – die hard. A 2 and 6 year old do NOT appreciate their mom howling along to a new-to-them movie. I , however, am singing like a Diva because when you have sung a song for roughly twenty something years, you can woorrrrrrrk it.

They thought otherwise.

They should be happy i didn’t strap on the shells and mermaid tail and do it in full regalia.

“mommy, stop it stop it stop it. STOP iiiiIIIIIIIIT – uh!”

She has to repeat it that many times to try and talk over my performance. i’m not ashamed!

The other one they’ve been watching is Aladdin. I hate the “I can show you the world” nonsense song at the end, and i’m not fast enough with the Genie song … but i try. I’ll get it soon much to the headachy chagrin of my kids.

Stay at home moms have to find enjoyment/fulfillment/entertainment somewhere!! The movie singalong is a combination of all of those things in torturing the kids.
“ohhh, i’m so sorry! is it annoying when someone is making constant noise and doesn’t ever shut up regardless of what you are doing/saying/telling/asking/pleading??”

i would have no idea how that feels, kids.


Life Lessons from Costco

Published April 16, 2013 by sarcasmica

So i’m minding my own business, shopping at Costco this morning. My 2 year old is being good, and i’ve mostly filled my cart with things i need. … mostly.  I successfully navigated through everything weighing if it would be Weight Watchers appropriate or not.

I get to the soups, and i decide i can get the chicken tortilla soup.

because it’s awesome.

I grab the package, and turn to put it in the cart and hear a


and instantly feel a wet leg.

The package of soup behind the one i grabbed tipped forward and hit the cement floor, causing the entire plastic container to explode.

fuckfuckfuck !! – i said this as loud as i could in my head. My daughter must’ve heard me, though, because she instantly starts screaming. What is she screaming? Something caring and sad like, “Oh no, mommy, you ok?”


“It’s your fault! It’s your fault!”

this escalates the situation from just one four letter word to roughly three.

nothing is on her

I immediately feel like Fat Amy after the burrito bullet.

Chicken tortilla soup has exploded out of the plastic container and up my entire leg. Also, as a bonus, all over my feet because i’m wearing, of course, flip flops.

It looks like baby barf.

The screaming crying 2 year old isn’t helping my case.

I look up and i’m being avoided like canker sores have just broken out all over my face.

Not one single damn offer of assistance.

Thank goodness for e.coli and salmonella because i had to use the meat department paper towels to clean up what i could.

Of COURSE i had no wipes with me. Not one single wipe.

I squish over to tell the nearest samples senior citizen there was a clean up in the soup dept and she looks at me like i’ve just stepped off a space ship…. from the future.

She looks down at her microwave as if to change the subject, but doesn’t even manage a complete sentence.


I squish away flinging any and all curse words i can conjure towards the mess on the floor. .. and possibly a few at Dolly Madison wielding Tang to anyone who passes by.

As i sit here at home, still in my chicken tortilla soup eu de parfume, i realize i’m sick and tired of the public. When i see someone in need of some assistance outside of my house, i offer help. Unless it’s something that i completely cannot do like change a tire, i help.

Why am i constantly ignored? Am i that terrifying ? I know i’m tall, and i know i’m the width of a small Hyundai, but i still find myself from time to time in need of some sort of acknowledgement. Even if you don’t want to help me, at least give me a glance of ‘oh shit, that sucks lady’.

So take it from me. Even if the most scowly-faced frumpy chubby monster of a mom is fumbling with some type of reality that has just shat upon her head, show her that you see her and you’re sorry.

Spring Break Chron – ahh F–k it!

Published April 14, 2013 by sarcasmica

Back to school back to school back to school !!!!


Friday a friend came over to occupy for a playdate. My daughter was very excited and well worn out by nap time. BONUS!

Saturday my husband made good on his promise and we all went to the snow. The last big snow play of the season. We are still newbies when it comes to the weather out here, and my husband and i were skeptical during the drive. We saw no snow. Lots and lots of rain, but no white stuff.

And then, all of a sudden it was all around us! We heard our 2 year old start chirping from the back, “Snooooooow !!! Loook!!!”

We got to our exit and found the snow was actually scary deep to drive in. We had chains, but they were still new and in the package. If we could hold out, we’d get $98 if we could return them.

My husband will hold out with all he’s got if it means getting money back or getting a bargain.

Anyway, we only got stuck once and he pushed us out. We decided to park at a rest stop and just let the kids play.

Good call

My son was rolling around like a pig in sh*t. I was just hoping no curbs or fire hydrants were waiting to surprise him. Thankfully he managed to avoid any catastrophes.

It was great!

We got home and my husband and i both crashed!

The kids, on the other hand, notsomuch. I was amazed. Bedtime had zero complaints, though, and i’ll take that any day. No million time march up and down the hallway getting water and lights and pillows and boogers and snot.

So here we have made it to the end of Spring Break.


I’m sorry teachers, i hope you got your rest and drink on because you will have my bright and eager little monster back in your classroom tomorrow.

And you can be damned sure he will be dropped off precisely fifteen minutes early!

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