All posts for the month May, 2013

Nature Calling

Published May 28, 2013 by sarcasmica

It’s been one of those days. Not bad, on the contrary, it’s been very very productive despite my effort for it to go the other way. If i can just get one load of laundry done, it’ll go down in the record books as a well-tasked day indeed.

I’m currently in the middle of book 3 of the Outlander series by Diana Gabaldon. You may note a very terrible and embarrassing mix of quite a few things… British dialogue, or watered down 17th Century Scottish brogue, or my own scatter-brained topic-hopping.

I took my little diva shopping to a new mall today to gather presents for my son’s upcoming birthday. I should point out this is after i managed a whole 15 minutes on the treadmill.

15 minutes people! I know, right? “how does she do it and STILL weigh over 200lbs ?!?!” Just lucky, i guess.

So my son’s 7th bday party is less than two weeks away … eeeeeek !!!!

I had to find a mall within range that had a Lego Store (Minecraft legos, y’all!) AND a build-a-bear store (which are apparently dropping like flies) AND a Disney store.

There was only one and it was about 25 minutes away. No biggie. I was so prepared i couldn’t stand myself! I knew ahead of time which parkinglot to park and the stores were fairly near one another. It was amaze-balls. First stop – Lego Store.

Immediately upon inquiring about said lego collection, i’m given a rather sorrowful head shake. The clerk looks at the ground and tells me they do not carry that collection in the stores because “it’s too popular”

excuse me? isn’t that the whole point?

She informs me would be a better choice.

Shocked, i asked her to follow up on the ‘we might be getting some in later on’. Her manager tells me to go to the lego website and order that way.

If i had wanted to indulge my evil side i could have put her on the spot and said, “Wait.. lego store? I thought she said Amazon would take my money faster..? I’m confused.”

But that was my good deed for the day. Bit tongue.

So i move along to the Disney store and pick up the outrageous Iron Man mask my son wanted. I kept the receipt knowing full well this thing will make it out of the box for one run around the house chasing the li’l sis and dog and then be done with it. Box and receipt will be ready by the front door.

Next we indulge the baby Diva and get an outfit for one of her build-a-bears… which is actually a horse just to confuse things.

We leave after stopping for a minute at the play center which was all in all a great one. Not too crowded, fully padded and nearly enclosed, and all the climbing things were spaced well. It did smell awfully of sweaty diapers and stinky baby feet, though.

a smell i’m sad to say no longer bothers me

So we get home. I’m proud for not giving into the Food Court demons. We scarf down a quick lunch and kiddo goes in for her nap.

I settle on the couch mentally pushing the list of things i SHOULD be doing to the back of my brain and settle down with my book.

I begin to doze when i hear a sound come from the street resembling a choking, ill, half run over chicken.

This is no bird i’ve ever heard before.

I can hear this thing going off like a siren repeatedly just asking for someone to put a bee bee between it’s eyes. I curse whatever car only did half a job before realizing it must be the pheasant looking bird i’ve seen darting in and out of the trees by the side of our house.

I hear this animal running up and down the sidewalk in front of our house. Then it’s under the window. I finally give up my nap and look out the window to see this red-headed curly-q crested beast standing on the front lawn with it’s head stretched up to our window screeching at nothing.

I get to the front door and it takes off – wisely.  I was one screech from letting a cat at it.

Nature needs to understand when i am taking calls. Not just running about willy-nilly shrieking whenever it wants to !!

I give up and go hide in my cave bedroom hoping to get a brief rest. My son was up at 3:30 this morning needing attention so i only slept fitfully last night. … not that i should have to explain my laziness to anyone, but today there just happened to be a good reason for it.

The phone rings. Yes it’s on vibrate, but when the phone is on a wooden table night stand it’s even louder than if i had just left the ringer on.

send it to voicemail.

my iPad pings with an email as my phone vibrates again with a voicemail notice.

I’m not going to get any sleep, am i?

It turns out this is the afternoon everyone wants to follow up with me and set appointments and verify plans and get in touch with me…. not in the morning when i had a dull 25 minute drive to get through, or later in the day when i need a distraction from my children… nooOOOOOOoooo my small window of sane time i use for important things like napping and reading!

So despite my quest for laziness today, it just isn’t going to happen, damnit. Productivity is happening all around me despite myself.


Sh*tty Day

Published May 24, 2013 by sarcasmica

Ever have one of those crap-tastic days? All you can do is just make it to bedtime and have everything around you not burn down?
This is that day for me.

I’m sure i’m being overly dramatic about it. I admit it. But it still kinda sucked.

It started with my Keurig burning me. My most beloved appliance turned on me, people!!

I made a big yummy breakfast for the kids. My oldest had a field trip today. I wanted him well-fed and prepared for said adventure. I even opened up his birthday party gift bags so i could make a creeper lunch sack for the event. He was so excited when i showed him this morning.

It’s nice when the small things excite them.

All was going fine until we sat down to do the practice spelling test he has every week. I do it the morning of because when we have done it the night before, he doesn’t do as well on his test.

The minute he sat down, his eyes glazed over. Every movement jellified his brain more and more until he was just writing random pairs of letters down on the paper.

It’s at these moments I try and lay out consequences and remind him he’s in charge of his own time management before school.

“You need to get this done  because you do NOT want to be late today. You have to be there on time to get on the bus for the field trip.”

I was trying anything to snap him out of his weird lackluster attitude.

I of course inadvertently added to his stress by putting this out there.

“You mean i’m going to miss my field trip? !!”

“No. I mean if you don’t pay attention and get this done, you will be late. Just get it done and you’ll be fine.”
By now the damage was done, and after sending him away from me for a minute to get dressed, he came back to the table just as dazed as before.

We went around and around before i finally just scrapped the whole thing. I wrote a note that if he needed to miss his last recess to finish the paper, so be it.

He misinterpreted this as “he can miss the field trip”

which was completely NOT the case. As i explained… repeatedly.

I also tried to reset the mood by taking a second. Taking a deep breath. Giving him a hug. And moving on.

But i just couldn’t quite rally the troop and after doing our daily on the way to school song, he was marginally better.

I dropped him off and cried all the way back home.

It was one of those moments where i knew i was the worst mother ever.

So my 2 year old starts saying, “I’m sorry, mommy.”  “are you sad, mommy?” “don’t worry about it.” “i’m sorry, mommy”

Which was adorable, but succeeded in making me feel like an even worse basket case.

I collected myself enough to get into the house and give her lots of hugs and kisses and get myself ready for the next outing.

The day went on to include a very brief skype conversation with my husband that didn’t go smoothly and i’m just left feeling kind of defeated.

In 30 minutes i pick up my kiddo who will be -thankfully – home safe from his field trip (the teacher was kind enough to keep me posted on how he did today) and I hope the evening will go better.


I suppose it’s not so much the worst things have happened to me today so much as my reaction and emotional stability have been less than mature and stable as a result.

It’s kind of like flying solo with two kids and a traveling husband who isn’t around for the small stuff. Sometimes the toll rears it’s ugly head in the form of a basket case self.

So hopefully i can root out and find some version of an alcoholic beverage to close out my day and give me hope and determination tomorrow will be MUCH MUCH better.


Construction.. still

Published May 23, 2013 by sarcasmica

My son has had an interesting road of construction. He was born with one neck muscle shorter than the other. We didn’t notice this until about 2 1/2 months when his head began to look misshapen. The term for the shortened neck muscle is torticollis. Because of this, when he was put in his swing or car seat each time, it contributed to his plagiocephaly – the flattening/symmetry of the head.








So at three months, along with colic, we got to put Mr Gage into a giant hard helmet that hid half his head from kisses and snuggles. This was my introduction to navigating the insurance waters. .. and greedy doctors. It took a second opinion to find an office that would allow insurance but we needed the ever-important “medical necessity” label to get it.

So we finally got him fitted









They take a cast and send it off. A week or so later we get the helmet.









I’m not sure now what the exact time frame was. I believe he began in October, so he was about four months old. We had to give him a punk rock haircut so it was buzzed around the sides and back to reduce the oils and sweat. He had to wear this 23hours/day. Only one hour out of it.

So after nearly three months of physical therapy every week, helmet fittings every week, and lots of stinky head kisses, we were finally done!

headshots 019










So as you can see, he always kept his little jaw tilt, but his head shaped nicely.

Now, nearly 7 years later, we are entering into a whole world of orthodontic issues. Partly due to these early issues, but also would have had issues anyway. We are having to stretch his jaw and open it up, and then re-align his jaw.

Oy vey.

This is all going to cost a small fortune. Thankfully we have insurance, but as standard, it’s only covering a painfully small part of the overall cost.

So here’s his latest x-rays. I’m sure you’re all dying to see them. But when i start to think the dentists are snake oil salesmen, i see this and it’s pretty plain to see there’s just no room in his small – but mighty – mouth for all his chompers.








Gage 6










So over the next 18 months or so we’ll be correcting even more of my little monkey’s face. I was so proud of him at the appointment, though! He didn’t have any issues getting x-rayed and measured and poked and prodded in the mouth. And when they sat down to talk to me about all the metal that’s going to go into his mouth, he asked very reasonable and smart questions.
He may be a work in progress, but the end result is going to be one amazingly handsome, smart, feisty, unique human being! … despite my worry sometimes he has been abducted and replaced by razor-fanged, fire-breathing, shrieking banshees. I at least now have evidence there are in fact no razor fangs.


Published May 22, 2013 by sarcasmica

So there I am. Sitting at my weight watchers meeting after spotily showing up every two or three weeks.  It’s rainy this morning, so there wasn’t a big crowd waiting to be weighed in like so many heads of cattle.


So here’s the standard. You say your hello’s to the person behind the counter. You make small idle chit chat. Usually about the weather. I hand over my booklet and card to prove i’m paying extra every month to make the poor diet guilt weigh even more heavily on me.

Once you step on the scale it goes one of two ways.

A- you get a sparkly look from the volunteer and a triumphant “you lost ___ this week!” and you get to feel superior for an instant. Like you managed to cheat the system somehow.

B- you get a tight lipped look and your booklet handed back to you with no words uttered. You get to hang your head and do the walk of shame to your seat and make no eye contact while waiting for the meeting to start.

I didn’t bother to look at my little weigh in sticker until  i sat down. I did note, however, the idle chit chat stopped after i stepped on the miniature freight scale. I checked my sticker and saw i gained 1.8lbs.

In all fairness, it’s been three weeks since my last weigh in. It’s not like i managed a nearly 2lb gain in one week…. not that it hasn’t happened..

I knew i didn’t do any tracking or trying, so i wasn’t particularly disturbed by the news.

So now the meeting starts. Having not been to one in a couple weeks, i couldn’t participate in the follow up part to last week. No biggie.

So towards the end, one woman was curious as to what everyone ate during the day. Lunch/snacks. There is a smattering of high achievers and silent ground-lookers. I search my brain for something acceptable to speak up about and half raise my hand to start suggesting hummus. It was a surprising and useful find for myself to make snacking more acceptable.

The lady looks at someone in the front row – overachiever – and says, “you’ve lost a lot, what’s your secret? what do you eat for lunch?”

This french-accented woman starts talking about a single piece of wheat toast and bruchetta (gag) and then goes into her yogurt breakfast

Another pipes up about greek yogurt with added granola and fresh fruit.

Somehow my hummus suggestion seems very inadequate. Then as more and more people make healthy suggestions i begin chuckling to myself thinking of my own shortcuts. Like taking the top bun off the Red Robin CHICKEN burger before digging in.

And smearing peanut butter all over an apple to make it palatable.

Forcing myself to only have ONE basket of chips with salsa when i go out  for a burrito.

you know, all the hard pressed sacrifices.

Then i begin to convince myself that it’s about time to re-evaluate my own eating habits … once again. I continue to remind myself that i DID manage to lose 40lbs and it only happened with effort and pointed change and exercise.

So I just sat on my hands and told myself once i’ve succeeded in finding actual success and consistency, i can contribute and not make an ass of myself. .. an elephant ass.


Check Please!

Published May 19, 2013 by sarcasmica

It was so nice to go out to a grown up dinner tonight. I had cocktails .. well, cocktaiL since i’m such a lightweight alchie. Had a great salad and my own dessert even! Conversation was great! Three moms who met at a moms group managed to not talk only of our children the whole time. I’m so proud of us!

Usually I have my phone out on the table when i  go out because my overactive imagination pulls up all sorts of fun and vivid things that could happen in my house while i’m away from my kids, but not tonight. I was firm with myself and kept my phone in my purse the whole time.

*patting self on back*

I pulled it out once midway through just to be responsible. No texts, no fires, no bee swarms or swat teams. Phone went BACK into the purse!

After finishing our yummy desserts and allowing the conversation to come to a close, we collectively decide it’s time to purse-up and walk out.

I check my phone and lo and behold: “she threw up” …  “hello??”


of course she did! i didn’t have my phone out.

I rush out of the parking lot despite the “she’s fine, no fever” information. I felt terrible. I rushed all the way to the first traffic light when i pull up behind a police car and have a brief dialogue in my head about slowing down. It takes 3 minutes to get home from where we were, so there was no reason to make it a worse night with a ticket…. in my husband’s car… who’s registration and insurance card i have no idea where to begin looking for.

By the time i got home, my mom had the sweet up-chucker cleaned up and put back down to sleep. Still no fever, soundly sleeping away on her bed.

I’m gonna go ahead and feel guilty for not getting home faster, but minimal guilt about missing the opportunity to clean up vomit. Sorry mom! and thank you !!

Little Baby Jesus

Published May 16, 2013 by sarcasmica

Please help me have the patience you obviously thought i possessed at one point to be the mother of this child. My son is driving me IN-SAYN-uh. .. that’s absolute annunciation with a twinge of frustration at the end to further prove the point.

I swear he is a sweet kid. I’ve seen it. With my own eyeballs. He can be charming and polite and sweet and concerned and caring.

And then there’s the other 85% of the time he’s awake.

I swear this child was born to be a grown up. Since he could talk he’s been uttering things and spewing backtalk and ideas that make me believe he’s a jaded, chain-smoking, horn rimmed glasses wearing 28 year old college professor. One who cannot grasp the concept of a ‘why did the chicken cross the road’ joke.

His birthday is coming up and at what point do i withhold birthday gifts to prove a point? I’m ready. We haven’t sent out the invites yet. I’m considering putting on there RSVP so i know how to reach you in case he back talks his way out of this whole shindig.

I know I shouldn’t get sucked into a debate with this boy. I know it. But at the same time i know i can’t let him sarcastically talk back to me and not have a consequence for it.

And if he corrects me one more time, i may practice a choke hold on him.

But oh yes, how i love thee. Let me count the ways!

I love you when you are asleep.
I love you when you are so tired your eyes glaze over and you can’t seem to find any words.
I love you when you are eating something scrumptious enough to close your mouth around every bite so as not to let anything escape.
I love you when you are working really hard to earn something.
I love you when you are sleeping, and i love you when you are asleep in your bed. …
and when you sleep.


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