My husband’s travel schedule might possibly be getting to me… maybe. Unfortunately, my neighbors are now privy to my stress level.
Last week, i’m getting ready for a long fun day.
Code: I have to take a shower BEFORE dropping my son off at school instead of sometime after lunch.
Code: My daughter actually has to have a clean diaper on, and not testing the absolute limits of the one she slept in. Plus, she has to get dressed… in clothes. Not a Tinkerbell dress and Spongebob slippers.
So my son is still sleeping, and my daughter is safely glued to Sesame Street in my room. I jump in the shower and take my first relaxing breath of the day. It’s fantastic. Then i hear “thud thud thud”
All the terrible possibilities and ‘what ifs’ go tearing through my brain. Followed quickly by the news stories of a selfish and terrible mother who dared shower while children were still in the house and unattended.
I crack the pod shower door (the entire shower is sealed and enclosed. what can i say, it’s a rental) to better hear what’s happening. Again, i hear banging. I call out to my son who i had heard wake up and go into his bathroom.
no answer
The mental images get even more interesting. At this point a troll has broken into our house and is tearing the walls out one by one as a camera crew is standing out front waiting to see what terrible stay at home mom would allow such chaos.
I shut off the water, crack the door, poke my head out and scream “GAGE!!”
in return; “What?! I’m WIPING MY BUUUTTTTT!!”
I call my daughter who doesn’t respond.
….
Again, louder, i call her.
“wwwwhAAAT?” she says.
“What are you doing?”
She is slamming the bedroom door over and over and knocking on it
I told her to stop because she worried me.
“Ok mommy. I sorry.”
no biggie. I finish my shower. dry off. go check on the kids with my eyeballs and on the way back to the bathroom glance at my sliding glass door that’s in my bedroom…. which is still open about a foot from the night before.
FAN-freaking-TASTIC. The quietest block on the neighborhood at 7:30am and I’m the crazy ass banshee mom screaming and yelling at her kids.
and everyone had to hear it.
i’ve never been so mortified in all my life.
I had a moment after shutting the door of “Well, can’t change what has already happened.” and i felt very zen about it all …until running into the neighbor behind our house who happens to be the PTA president at my son’s school and she would not make eye contact with me.
great. it’s going to haunt me indefinitely.
So by the end of the school year, it could become official that i’m the worst mom in the world. I might even get an achievement award for it!
To all the mentally iffy moms out there who are frequently on the edge of sanity for various reasons. Make sure your windows and doors are shut before you have an episode.
-you’re welcome
Sarcasmica 