Princesses are NOT full of crap


My daughter is of an acceptable potty training age. According to my mom, she’s about six months past due, actually. Anyway, she’s also of an age where she loves Disney Princesses…. well, two of them at least. Cinderella and Rapunzel. (or “Tangled” as she calls her)

I realized today while taking a shower – where all profound thoughts occur – that I have yet to see a hint of even a bathroom in any of the movies. There’s vanities, there’s mirrors, there’s hair brushes, but nary a toilet to be found.

Is this the new height of perfection? Not only to become a princess – which i do not condone – but to reach such perfection as to not have to defecate or tinkle? What about Tinkerbell ?! I think we should rename her Constipatedbell or BackedupBell. How about ObstructionBell?

The potty charts for these characters abound on the internet. False advertising much? I’m not saying i need to see Snow White squat outside and use a leaf (or Grumpy’s hat) when she’s done, but at least show the bathroom for gosh sakes! Surely they can imagine a royal throne in that imagination bank that is Disney. What about contracting the dirty work out to Pixar? I’d probably prefer a Pixar commode, actually. It would talk and have a suped-up flush a la` Tim Taylor/Buzz Lightyear. You know that puppy would have eyeballs, which could be a skosh frightening. Maybe some pop out wings to ensure you dont tip off the side. That would have come in handy that time my son got out of the tub to poo and his slippery bum landed him IN the toilet.

Listen, I know it’s MY job to potty train my kid, but all i ask is while you are filling her head with other frivolous ideas like  the more the hair, the hotter the Prince you can land and talking to dirty disease-ridden vermin that dress you every day and manage a needle and thread to create clothes, perhaps we can throw a loo off to the side of the room.. with an open door. Nothing wrong with Cinderella scrubbing the bathroom floor before the ball. I’m sure her stepmother would concur.

she showers into a bucket  behind a shade, with birds that have scarves on their heads! really, Walt? we couldn’t fashion a small door and chamber pot?!

You KNOW those mining dwarves could lay down some business in the John like nobody’s business. They are working blue collar men, for crissakes! give them an outhouse or a pull chain!

This one i confess i haven’t actually seen from start to finish since i was probably like 8. .. so about twenty years 😀  But i do not see a chamber pot or urinal under that dais.

While we’re on the subject, it’s a Disney epidemic that spread to The Street. That’s right, Sesame Street. Abby’s flying fairy school does not have potty breaks. I suppose if they have a bathroom, they have to address the fact all the monsters are running around half naked. Since they are covered in fur, it shouldn’t be an issue, but still…. they have mommys and daddys, so i’m guessing there are twigs and berries hither and thither on that block.

What if i’m shopping at Hooper’s Store and i have to pee from all that coffee i had at Big Bird’s house? I’m S.O.L. And we’ve SEEN all the human characters. What do they do when they have to #1 or #2 ? Super Grover doesn’t even have pants, and he flies…. does he just go when the need arises regardless of what he’s flying over?

I could be solving world hunger, or the high crime rate, but no. Hell, i could be helping my son become a better reader and writer, or teaching my daughter her ABC’s, but noooOOOOooo, i’m stuck on the lack of bathroom options in an alternate universe.

I think it stems from my fear of being anywhere at all away from my house and the effects of two pregnancies and deliveries on my body. I’ve now officially reached the outer limits.

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