All posts for the month July, 2013


Published July 30, 2013 by sarcasmica


its something i never expected to feel. i have always felt my kid is an individual and very much requires attention and patience and attention with a side of attention. he has a lot to say about everything and if you feel a requisite “mm hmm” thrown out from time to time will do it, he will tell you its not acceptable one way or another.

but thats just him. thats how he rolls. nothing too out of the box or extraordinary.

but today it finally happened. i was asked if he has…(she paused not wanting to offend me overly much) sensory issues.

the term ‘sensory’ was said as if italics were a verbal accent and ‘issues’ was whispered.

my kid is very aware that he had an evaluation done because he needs some extra help getting through some life situations. he knows when he’s freaking out – he feels he’s got a good reason for it. from his point of view, its not something unacceptable or unfounded.

we were at the orthodontist today. this has been a very high octane summer so far. we had a fun water park trip, we had family visit, summer school, dental appointments, orthodontic consults, occupational therapy evaluations, play dates, birthdays and now braces and palatal expanders.

i’ve confused some of these appointments and mixed up what we’re actually doing at certain offices, but i’ve tried to keep it all straight.

today my son was a champion. a total rock star. as we waited to be called back from the waiting room a family with many girls came in. two had braces and two more were getting them put on. the oldest was maybe just a year or two older than my kid. i asked if my son could see her braces. she proudly smiled big as an alligator. when we got called back a little while later, the two getting their hardware were reclined and mid-braced. my son climbed into his chair and immediately started whining. the chair was reclined fully and he was asked to lay down.


my kid doesnt like bright or even regular lighting let alone fluorescent lights. asking him to lay on his back and relax while staring right into the lights is equal to offering to light the bed on fire for some warmth. not gonna happen. yes we used sunglasses, its not enough.

i reasoned and talked, but the words he was choosing to say were just reflex. defense. deflector shields.

no one actually wanting an answer will jump from question to question to observation like he does in panic mode.

meanwhile, the mom of the other two kids was calmly walking from kid to kid observing the process as her little ones giggled and squirmed slightly.

she and her girls generously offered for my son to get down and go check out what they were having done. it would be the same as he was preparing to have done and the logic is, “see? no one is gushing blood or screaming in a panic while the evil zombie dental assistant actually stabs their mouth with the hook and mirror”

my kid didnt buy it.

i started to resent the mom that got to calmly stroll about the office while her kids relaxed to have a little orthodontic work done.

our assistant finally got up and walked away from my son.

he switched with a lady who seemed a bit more patient and calm.

my son was still talking himself into a fit.

they ended up putting us in “the quiet room”

the quiet room is the office they keep the broken desk chairs and extra desks in.

but it has a door. a thick door. a thick door to keep the anxious wales of a special needs kids muffled so as not to frighten the typical kids who can smile and go with the flow who dont need to be told every step before it happens.

this was not unlike my labor experience with this same child seven years prior when i scoffed at the screaming and carrying on i heard after being admitted. silently judging those women just to find myself 24hrs later writhing and screeching as i heard the ‘click’ of my own door being closed.

i calmly talked my son down from his ledge. i mimicked the vocal technique of the therapist that evaluated him three days ago and it seemed to work.

it worked a little too much. i actually got nervous when once they began the hard labor in his mouth, he became silent and perfectly still. completely resigned to whatever would happen to him.

once his expanders were both in place (top AND bottom) and his four braces were put on, we left the room to rinse and drink and breath the typical air. the mom & her 2 were still there. that’s when i felt the full force of my kid and what he requires of those around him.

he requires more. yes. he requires exactly what he needs. he can verbalize and insist on what he needs for himself because he is sure. he may not always be right. they did not pull all of his teeth, afterall, or use the guise of braces to extract his brain and feed it to aliens, but he knew what he needed for himself and he was brave enough to insist on it. fight for it.

once he gave over to trust the people helping him, he allowed it. he was able to give in and go where he needed until it was done.

he did it!

afterwards, his speech was completely impeded. he has so much metal in his mouth, his tongue is trying to find another host. he is drooling and spitting and sounds like a deaf kid with a bag of marbles in his mouth.

but he has laughed about it. we have laughed together about how ridiculous and silly he sounds and i have never been more proud of that little man in his whole life.

so while he does in fact require extra from those around him because his needs are not typical, i admire his steadfastness and courage to know himself so much that he will fight and challenge whomever is not giving him what he needs.

is that so terrible? would the world be worse off for learning this from a 7 year old? i know i am better for knowing him and being inspired by him

….when im not frustrated to the point of tearing my hair and scratching my eyes out, of course!


A Tale of Sin City

Published July 24, 2013 by sarcasmica

I feel like i’ve finished integrating back to ‘real life’. There truthfully isn’t overly much to relay in a blog about my Vegas trip other than it was very very much greatly needed, and it is equally as much appreciated.

It’s fair to say I lost my ass there, but in reality this damned thing is still following me around everywhere.

We had a family friend who used this term all the time for losing her money gambling. I always thought it was funny.

So I highly recommend the Westin in Vegas. It’s not glitzy and glamorous, but there’s a reasonable casino downstairs with all the staples; nickel slots, penny slots, drunks and 2 carton-per-day smokers. But it’s not in the capacity of the big casinos. There’s a pool. A backyard type pool, but it is truthfully big enough for everyone. There’s even a jacuzzi. It was 105 out so essentially the  pool was kind of the jacuzzi, but I digress.

My great friend met met out there on Saturday. She made record time, actually. It’s amazing how fast one can drive when there are well-cared for small children behind you and a ’round-the-clock city with no child-related responsibilities ahead of you … and alcohol. Limitless alcohol.

Funny enough, neither one of us really ever got intoxicated… unfortunately. We did, however, see a Chippendale’s show.

Oh yea. Eat your cholesterol filled, buffet-fed, bachelorette party hearts out!

We actually set out to see Thunder From Down Unda’ but the show was sold out for the time we had available. We settled for Ian Ziering.

Do NOT pronounce that Eee-an, either, damnit. It’s I – anne. EYE-ANN!!

I could have lived my life without ever seeing the bare chest of the blonde afro-ed man, but fate had another plan I guess.











HA! Now you are in the club with me. See how seriously he takes himself?! SILLY!

So my friend and I found ourselves in a crowd of seniors, peppered with Bachelorettes bedecked with sashes, Birthday parties and regular old hormonal females like ourselves. I will not say it wasn’t fun. It was. But 10 minutes in my friend elbows me and says, “You HAVE to stop laughing at them.”

I couldn’t help it. It was such a cliche to be there. Then the whole bow tie nearly nekked Steve is there with his cheese grin… but eventually I let the hormones and overpriced “Sex With A Chippendale” signature drink take over.

Oh yes. This is not fiction I speak of. And the kicker was that I never even got buzzed off the $14 drink !!

The other bummer is that apparently when you are the size of a Rhinoceros drinking an alcoholic beverage with at least four types of rum in a closed room with smoke machines and screaming women and dancing men… you sweat.


This was a tad distracting for me. I kept having a flash in my head of some overly-confident or smart ass stripper trying to dance all over me (I was on the aisle) and to have him slip off and fall to the floor from his grease and my sweat. There would have been a mob if i had interrupted the show with a downed Chip… or Dale.

So we survived the show. Sadly, a sign of our age i’m afraid, we left in search of a bathroom.

Mid-thirties. Both with 2 kids. Guzzling a fruity cocktail beverage during an hour + show = potty time.

Sadly the casino didn’t seem to really understand the needs of middle aged moms and we had to tour half the casino floor before finding a loo.

So that was the first experience of the trip. I had never before seen a Vegas show and that was my first. The next one was “O” which my husband and I went to see the night before we left. It was, of course, amazing. The seats were dinky. Perhaps the Cirque theater design team felt all the viewers would be the same size as their acrobats and put in smaller-than-airline-seat seats.

My husband and I tested the capacity of our own, and the armrests on either side. I was lucky enough to sit next to a frightened looking thin-ish man, but my husband wasn’t so lucky. He got the Michelin man as his buddy. To which the man says to my husband, “We’re gonna be real close buds by the end of this.”  He was more intent on making a joke rather than switching seats with his much smaller wife.

The show was amazing and I loved it. Will definitely begin making a point to see these shows.

So all in all, it was a great trip! It ended, unfortunately, with a delayed flight home. Something neither of us made a point to check before leaving our hotel 😦  So we had a little more than 3 hours to kill at the airport. We were both upgraded to 1st class to make up for the inconvenience.

I wasn’t mad at ’em once I was in my seat 🙂

We came home to our little monsters and it’s taken me nearly a week to get back into the swing of life. I still feel like I need a nap every day, but i don’t know that’s much different than life before the trip!

Post Vegas (a little late)

Published July 24, 2013 by sarcasmica

I made it! I came home from Vegas! I did not fake my own death and go into hiding – tempting though it was.
Eventually I may even write about my adventure, but right now im just trying to wade through my Reality Transition.
Coming back from a trip is a bit hard & getting back into the swing of things, but add PMS on top of that and its insurmountable.
As of two kids and my mid thirties, PMS has become a bit of a beast… or should i say i’ve become beastly. I have no idea why hormones go into overdrive at this time, but im not a fan. you know who else isnt a fan? my husband. He’s smart enough not to tell me so, but the look of confusion and terror and finally blankness that is reflected in his eyes -and the mirror he sometimes walks around holding in front of his face so as not to incur the wrath of my PMS alter ego – also tells me so.
Im also unpopular with the general unsuspecting populous unlucky enough to be caught within my orbit at any given time during this miraculous amazing bodily transition. Family, neighbors, the pets, strangers. but what am i to do? lock myself in a room with snacks and chocolate?
I cant! I feel bad for women who wait til their mid-to late thirties to have a baby. I cannot imagine the headache of a-conceiving b-NOT conceiving and everything that entails and then having to deal with an infant while this whole bipolar monthly asylum takes over your brain.
It gives me even more clarity on postpartum depression.
I feel like if i could remove the offending hormones and bottle them, i’d have a weapon of mass destruction on my hands.
Who knew you would wish for the body and the PMS you had in your 20’s ?!?

— I wrote more, but my damn iPad mini keyboard combined with my bloated Silverback gorilla fingers deleted the rest of my amazingly charming and linguistically amazing post.


I do feel, however, that my post from earlier today – It’s Official – outlines perfectly the rapid progression of emotional instability I have to go through most months.

It’s Official

Published July 23, 2013 by sarcasmica

I’ve lost my damn mind.

The worst part about it is that I have two witnesses. One a total stranger, and the other my 2 year old daughter. She’s now convinced mommy is unstable.

I have had a busy few weeks. Between my son’s summer school, being a new President of a club right at the time lots and lots of reports are due – and were due by the OUTGOING president for which i stepped up unknowingly – , my son’s dentist appointments, orthodontic appointments, trying to initiate an Occupational Therapy evaluation, and one very much needed Vegas vacation, my brain finally gave up the ghost this morning.

Interspersed in there is my husband’s ridiculous travel schedule.

So I had the elusive OT Eval scheduled for today. Re-scheduled three times, i should say. I have everything ready. I have the map, i have the address, i have the husband here and ready to take time off to stay with the toddler. I’m online shopping for our upcoming Disneyland trip – a surprise for the kids – and I notice a voice mail has been left on my phone which is sitting right beside me.

“Hello, Sarcasmica. This is so-and-so from the OT place. We had an appointment for you at 10 today and I just wanted to see if you were running late (at 10:45).”


I check my calendar for the eight time today. “OT Eval 3pm”

I check the last email which was open-ended still trying to land on an acceptable date. Nothing confirming or checking in.

I call.

“Hello. This is Sarcasmica. I do NOT understand how you have me at 10 am when i have in my calendar the thing is at 3pm.”
“No, ma’am, we don’t do evals that late in the day.”

This conversation goes in a circle until i hear my last straw snap and then disintegrate.

I begin to speak in a pitch only my dog can hear now and i’m beginning to feel the tears well up and blind me. I rant and rave at this woman going on about how many times it’s had to be pushed back. Initially because of them, then once because of me. I go into a tirade about how i don’t even have an option to go somewhere else because every other ‘else ‘ has turned out to be the wrong type of therapy.

Now i’m full on blubbering.

My daughter is confused and worried. If she knew where to find prozac, i’m sure she would have made me Prozac chocolate milk to make the madness stop.

So while i’m railing at this poor woman who is over and over telling me she went back and checked our email thread to be certain SHE had it right, my daughter is in the background going , “You ok, mommy? What’s wrong, mommy? It’s ok, mommy.”

The lady finally “let me go” because i was obviously distraught and frustrated. After I finally broke down, she apologized for all the rescheduling – of which she made sure to note I was part of – and told me she would try to find a solution… the most likely one another WEEK before I can get a time.

I hang up. I hug my worried kid. I check all my ‘sent’ emails to her and see in black and white that we did, in fact, make the appt for 10am.


Well shIIIIIIIIIt. I hate being wrong.

I swallowed my pride with a side of crow and egg on my face, and emailed her my apologies and made sure to suggest HEAVILY that when they have a situation like mine, a reminder email, call, anything would be greatly helpful.

I wish all the doctor-related offices could manage to get on a universal robotic call schedule where they all do this. How often do you only need one office to care for your kid? Not bloody likely.

And if you do, you’re lucky. Hug your doctor. Give him a latte.


So now i need to go blow off some steam, make lunch for my worried and now convinced mommy is a lunatic toddler.

This message brought to you by National Hug A Lunatic day.


Here lies my brain.She served me well for 30 – ish years.
She will be missed by all.

Twas the Night Before Vegas

Published July 13, 2013 by sarcasmica

And all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even my spouse (who is already there!)

So it’s the night before my trip. Vegas Eve, if you will. And i will.

The day couldn’t have gone any slower if I was duct taped to a wheelchair rolling through tar.

It didn’t help I had my watch on. I rarely have it on these days, but I stupidly did today. I was checking that mother every 30 minutes.

So now i’m essentially packed. All but the stuff i need tomorrow. The stuff I use to make my face presentable when not in the company of children.

All evening I had a feeling that I should be relishing in the company of my children … but let’s face it. They were part of the reason I was watch-checking all afternoon.

But I also had a feeling I needed to pack more. More more more. Despite having no room left in my suitcase, I feel like you can’t have too many pairs of undies or T Shirts… or shorts or sandals… or products. (because let’s face it, this is the one chance i have to USE products) I’ve packed nearly a pharmacy for all the ‘in case’ scenarios. I also had to pack a few items for my husband who will be ending a nearly two week Europe work trip with a week in Vegas with moi.

But there’s bound to be something I forget. I’m hoping to have a happy send off from the kids and not a weepy crying clingy send off that starts my trip with guilt.

But that’s what the flight alcohol is for, right?

So I will hope the last of this sinus crap i’ve been fighting all week will dissipate with the help of a dose of Nyquil. Also to ensure i actually sleep tonight ’cause i wont be sleeping much tomorrow !! Heeeeeeey !

I’m relishing the idea of Vegas at the moment before the reality strikes. The reality of how old, out of shape, and out of touch with ‘night life’ i am. Also, all the money I will be frivolously and emphatically pouring into machines and stuffy table attendants. My lack of alcohol tolerance will also either be an asset or a hindrance. We shall see.

I talk a lot about drinking, but in reality i rarely have a cocktail. I’ve never been ill from drinking, and have only occasionally had a hang over.

I will be making up for lost time over the next couple of days.

Just enough to feel like i enjoyed myself, but not enough to regret or lose great amounts of time.

So here’s to all you poor suckers at home this weekend listening to whining sniveling bickering bored and poopy kids.

*cheers* !! I wont be thinking of you !


and one more just because

Get Me OUTTA Here!

Published July 12, 2013 by sarcasmica

Two more days ’til I leave for Vegas sans kiddies and it cannot get here soon enough!

Today my son had to have yet another round of invasive intruders in his mouth a la` the dentist. We had to get up at 6:30 to have him there to take his ‘sleepy time cocktail’ by 7:30 so we could wait around for AN HOUR AND A HALF for the drugs to take effect. The toddler was so excited about this.


She actually did fantastic, though.

Thirty minutes into the drugs, he started feeling it. Up until now both kids had both been playing with all the toys and my son built a train track. A complete one. This is important in a minute.

So he gets woozy, conks his head on the doorway beside the train tracks and just lays down on the floor. Acting all drunk. It was funny for everyone until the emotions kicked in. I told him to come sit beside me in the comfy chair, but he didn’t want to leave the tracks. An assistant came by soon after that and ‘tsk tsk tsk’ed him into the chair under the guise of “We don’t want you hurting yourself.” to which he replied, “iwon; hur- m’self, mom. prmiz.”

I told him he couldn’t get out of the chair, and he began to cry.

poor kid

So i distract him momentarily with a movie on my iphone. Then he notices a piece of the track had gotten knocked off.


“moOOOOommm, it’s broooookennnnnnn”

wail. cry.

I’m trying not to laugh at the poor drunk kid.

We go through another 20 minutes of bipolar alternate crying and silence before they decide it’s time to walk him back.

It’s a marathon debate at that point. He is fighting the drugs so much that he’s now overly emotional and starting to work himself into a panic.

The doctor calmly slips the nitris mask over his nose.

He looks like a panicked baby rhinoceros.

He settles down enough for them to try and put the mirror into his mouth. Just the mirror. After being calm and still for about five minutes, they stick this mirror in his mouth and he responds by trying to leap sideways off the chair… drunkenly.

My kid is a sloppy drunk. I pity his college days.

He’s talked down from the ledge, he’s back to laying down, they try to put the gas on his nose and he decides to hold his breath.


He’s never reacted to anything like that before. It was comical. He kept doing it to the dentist.

I have to hand it to the dentist, he was the most patient man i’ve ever seen. He just sat there quietly looking at my drunk kid and waited.

This whole thing was done because he’s having a metal ‘thing’ put in his mouth later on that is held in place by two rings that slip over his rear molars. The gums at the  back of these molars was too high and would just rub and agitate on the rings, so cutting the tiny bit of gum away was necessary. The point of that is to widen his jaw so there is actually room in his tiny but mighty mouth for all the chompers that are trying to come in. Also, it’ll make braces half the time later on

The first cut didn’t go so well, though. He had been quiet and calm during the start of the slice, but woke when pulling and tugging began.

I wanted to take the scalpel at this point and poke the dentist in the ear.

My son settled, and the other side was given more of a numbing shot.

ya think ?!

During this whole rigamaroll, the two office ladies were entertaining my 2 year old. Oh yea, i had a second kid around somewhere! She was running back and forth between both ladies’ offices because they had a window slider between them to pass things through, i guess. My daughter thought this was the best peek-a-boo game ever.

Then it was all over. He woke up, we got in the car, he got his chocolate shake, and then crashed for three hours.

Im sure around 10:30 tonight i’ll be regretting that nap, but he needed it.

The issue i’m having is ever since waking up, he’s just asking for trouble. Arguing and combative and talking back.

It’s hard to remember he had his gums sliced open this morning.

Get me the hell outta here !!!


Published July 8, 2013 by sarcasmica

I leave for Vegas in FIVE DAYS! And i will NOT be there for one night or two nights. I will be there for FIVE NIGHTS! This is a real life, true story, bonafide VACATION.

No kids.

Hell, the husband is even going to be working for two of those days, does it get any better?!!

It does!

Are you completely sick of me yet? Give me another second and you will be!

One of my best friends is even driving out to meet me and hang for a couple days, AND i have another friend who lives out there I get to visit with.

How ’bout now? Are ya green with envy?

Just to make it more of a crazy amazing time, I get to NOT fly on Southwest Airlines!! It seems there’s actually other airlines out there to choose from. Who knew?! Living in So Cal and Phoenix and Austin, I thought Southwest was the ONLY option for travel.

I get to fly on a non-Southwest flight, and because my husband travels so frickin’ much, i get to fly first class, beyotches!

I’m gonna be the one thing in “One of  These Things Is Not Like the Other” the flight attendants will be singing in their heads. Housewife/mom flying first class to Vegas wearing yoga pants and flip flops with no briefcase or laptop.


That’ll be me !

I’m considering breaking out the jeans for the occasion. Hell, i might even have sex with my husband on this trip!


Trying to pack for this trip is going to be interesting. It’s been so long since i’ve packed for longer than a 2 night trip, i’m just hoping i wont end up with no bathing suit and thirty diapers and wipes.

Free booze, hangovers and gambling, here i come !!!


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