Shitty Night


Two nights ago i decided not to take the dog into the bedroom with me. I’ve been having trouble sleeping and it seems he’s had no trouble. He’s been woofing and whining in his sleep and it doesn’t take much to wake me up. I actually had a pretty restful night’s sleep that night and woke up in a great mood. Then I walked out into the hall and saw my mom trying to leave the house for work. Turns out the dog was happy to stay in his dog bed in the living room and NOT follow me because he had a plan.

We had rotisserie chicken that night. The trash was all bagged up and put in the kitchen. After coming home from a birthday party, there was lots of noise and activity and non-sleeping children making everyone crazy so the bag was overlooked…… by most of us.

The dog had other plans.

So my mom woke up to get ready for work to (what i can only imagine) was a disgusting scene of ripped open trash, diarrhea, chicken grease, vomit and god knows what else.

The dog, needless to say, was put outside.

I kept an eye on him all day. He was drinking lots of water, but he was still running  waddling around outside and other than some trash guilt, seemed fine. I’m worried about chicken bones doing bad things to his innards, but until he shows something is wrong, i’m not going to worry about it.

So he was outside all day, and most of the evening. I figured by bedtime he’d been in solitary enough and took him to the bedroom with me. I managed to get to sleep at a decent hour and awoke around 12:30 to the smell of a watery filthy stinky sewer. I peek over the side of the bed and get a happy cold nose in my face.

Then i realize what the smell is.

The dog was apparently not done passing his buffet from the night before.

I said all the four letter words i’m allowed to say to an animal when i’m woken up in the middle of the night and threw his stinky ass outside. For the rest of the night. Then i had to clean up the disgusting mess he left on the carpet.

So now it’s like 1 am. I get back to bed angrily, trying my best not to breath and i’m just drifting off when i hear “MOOOOOM”


“what’s up, buddy?”
“My mouth is dry and my leg hurts.”
“So you need water. Fine.”

“here ya go. go. to. sleep.”
I settle back into bed. Play solitaire on my dying iPad and drift off.
“Mom. I’m sorry to wake you up, but i need medicine.”

“Go. To. Sleep. I mean it. Do not get up.”

and monkeys might fly out of my butt

one more interruption and an angry finger point with an “OUT” sent him back to bed for the rest of the night. I will not record here which finger i used to point.

Now it’s 2:30am and i’m exhausted and frustrated. I’m cursing my husband for sleeping in a quiet hotel room somewhere in Europe and text him. No answer. DAMNIT!!

I get to sleep around 3 and am woken up by my little alarm clock just before 7. I’m beginning to feel only slightly bad for my dog who has never had to sleep outside. I let him in after being out for… oh i don’t know.. say 7 hours give or take. I let him in and lay back down while my daughter watches Pingu. I feel the glorious opportunity to catch a light nap and rest my head on the pillow when it happens again. The smell. The disgusting poopy watery sewer smell of a sick dog who has just crapped on the rug.


So he’s doing time in a maximum fenced yard. I’m thinking he’s gonna be doing 20-24 hours. No visitors, either. Bread and water. He’s on two strikes so i’m keeping my fingers crossed he isn’t going to be a three strike repeat offender. One more strike and the guy might need a Priest.

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