Bonus Pack

Published August 30, 2013 by sarcasmica

I’m going to throw out a disclaimer that if you are family, you might not want to read this. There, my job is done.

My husband had a vasectomy last December. The first three months were consumed by his healing.

Yes, ladies. Apparently it’s really painful and traumatic to have a laser snip a microscopic tube near your genitalia. I mean, can you imagine a stranger just fondling your goodies long enough to cut them open and alter you forever?!

I have no idea what that would feel like…. mostly because i had MULTIPLE people and MULTIPLE contraptions handle the MULTIPLE people that came out of my genitalia on MULTIPLE occasions.

But that’s just me… surely.

Anyway, needless to say the healing process was long and arduous for my poor husband. Add to this his travel schedule and our lack of horizontal mambo, and you get an unusually long wait until the chamber is empty and tested for illegal spermies who are holding onto that tube and testes far beyond the eviction date.

There is a specimen test that must be done to confirm the procedure was effective.

We got the ok the weekend of our Vegas trip.

July.

Seven Months Later.

….

So ever since July we’ve been willy nilly with the hanky panky and not having to monitor moon cycles or mood cycles or blood cycles. Just caution – and genitalia – to the wind and BAM! Just like that you are supposed to have confidence your McLovin’ wont end in a “my mom only wanted a backrub” onesie.

I have a hard time *pause for pun* flipping that switch in my brain that tells me not to be paranoid. After 36 years of fingernail biting and monthly wondering ‘what if?’ i’m supposed to just feel confident we wont be that one couple on Maury having to prove paternity to the man that had his tubes tied. Balls snipped. De-machofication. ?

I feel each vasectomy should come with a costco-sized box of pregnancy tests.

When you combine the side-effects of a vasectomy (anytime boom boom) with the cycle of a mid-thirties woman who apparently waited until after having kids to truly have to see and feel what a terrible period and PMS are like for the rest of the world, each month you can find a variety of symptoms that look a lot like pregnancy.

Hormonal. Grouchy. Always hungry. Horny. Emotional. Grouchy. Grumpy. Tired. Exhausted.

Turns out these are also symptoms of being a mom. Being a wife. Being a woman.

So today was the last day i’m giving into the paranoia. I took my two rabid children with me to Target under the guise of needing groceries so i could buy a 3-pack of tests. For reasons i wont go into for your own good, I could have convinced myself this period was a phantom period.

I’m not sure who was more eager to see a negative sign. Myself or the checker.

To be clear, i am not with monster, but my conscience will be 100% clear and maybe now i can be confident all the whining and crying  pain and healing of snipped balls was worth the joy it is supposed to bring us.

 

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