House Pain

House Hunting:
It’s not at all what Pinterest and ‘House Hunters’ sets it up to be. It’s frigging exhausting!
do we/dont we
what do we absolutely need?
we do NOT need THAT, but we need that
the backyard is where?
the view is of what?!
we need/we want
it costs HOW MUCH?!

and the big one: “is this it?”

Shoot me.
Are we blessed to be able to buy? yes. am i thankful? im too scared too be thankful. i’ll be thankful if we close on something.

And to add to the fun, our little one gets dragged everywhere with us because its a family decision. (sort of) The pinnacle of the experience so far is having a relatively newly potty trained girl with us who announces loudly at our dream house, ” i have to go potty! ihavetogopottyihavetogopotty!!!!”
I shrug and get permission to take her and “check the flush”
Y’all, this girl ruined that nice bathroom! She left a crime scene in that toilet
I ask, “Do you have to go pee or poop?”
“pee…    … AND poop!” (big smile)
“Ok, thank you for telling me you needed to go”
she sits… and then fires away like a trucker with Montezuma’s revenge
i looked at her trying not to look horrified
“Wow, honey, you Really needed to go”

ohmygodohmygod please dont let the owners walk upstairs right now

from the hallway: “mom! … Mom! .. MOoOOOM!”
my 7yr old is running around
“im in here, what do you need?”
he calls from the master bathroom down the hall again
“where are you?!”
I whisper-yell “Im in the bathroom with your sister, what do you need?!” (and where the bloody hell is your father?!)
“i have to go, too.”

This is a test. This is a test of the emergency patience and control system. If this were an actual emergency you would have a martini glass in one hand

“go down the hall.”

I try to coax my daughter off the John, but she isn’t done ruining the bowl yet. She has never ever had to poo like this in her life. It just figures it has to happen in a home we are considering while the owners are present.

My son decides he doesn’t have to go after all – perhaps my red glowing eyes and forked tongue convince him otherwise – my daughter, Al Bundy, decides she’s done and i not only have to flush twice to get rid of the evidence, but i’m silently scouring the bathroom for spray, a match, an air freshener, anything! All they had was a counter top renuzit, which i am waving around like a wiccan priestess hoping it does something. anything. I resort to having to turn on the ‘fart fan’ AND wiping down the toilet before leaving the crime scene.

I’ve never exited a house so quickly.
We may have to buy it out of sheer embarrassment

and worse still, we have to go back out tomorrow and do it all again!

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