This morning I knew today was going to be strange, but I had no idea. None.
I’ve been dealing with a minor rash the last couple of days. No clue what it’s from, but they are not unheard of on this chiseled super model physique I have going on. It tends to resolve itself after a couple of days, so I don’t worry about it…. but I woke up with a stinging frantic itch around one of my eyes this morning.
Not good.
I get up, get the kids ready, and head out… trying not to rub my eyeball and eyelid right out of my face. I get a strange text from my cell service telling me i’m about to hit an arbitrary data limit. This is odd since we have unlimited service. I put the phone away and make a mental note to deal with it later.
I pull up to the school and get a phone call from an unlisted number.
“Hello?”
“Hello, are you aware your computer is not operating Windows properly?”
“Huh?!” (i’m especially eloquent in the mornings)
he repeats the same inane sentence
“Who is this! Where are you calling from?!”
crickets
“Where did you get this number?”
“From the Windows database, ma’am.”
“No you didn’t. Who are you?!”
click
he hangs up.
I felt like Super Brain. The planets aligned, I heard every word of the conversation despite having little persons in the car with me, and I didn’t pull the “uh huh, sure, uh huh” am brainless convo that is the norm. I didn’t even save being indignant until after I hung up. I did it straight to the source! I was a badass! As a bonus, a scuz-sucking lowlife con artist didn’t get to put another notch on his mouse pad on my dime!
Things were getting unusual, indeed.
This afternoon clinched it. My daughter decided she needed her nap and didn’t fight at all. I tried to lay down at the same time because … well, why the hell not? However, my mom’s cat decides to play “meow really loud every 6.342 minutes, but only meow once” so sleep was only a tease. After 30 minutes I give up, get a drink, go pee, flush, and then the toilet tries to detach itself from the wall.
At least, thats what it sounded like. The animals were all in agreement, because they came to look.
The rattling stopped, and that was it. I walk past the door to the garage and hear hissing. Open the door, the hissing is louder. Peek around the mountains of boxes and see a spray of water shooting into the garage.
Panic
Kid is asleep. Allowed to cuss.
shitshitSheeeeeIIIIT!
I immediately open the garage to get closer and eyeball what is happening, then run back inside to try and call husband. I am simultaneously running upstairs to put on shoes and socks to deal with the freezing cold mess… and a bra. What is the point of being a SAHM if you have to put one on just to be at home?! I didnt want to scare the neighbors more than I had to, afterall, so I fastened up.
Still cant reach the Hubbz
more cussing
Head back outside, water has continued to spray onto the ground in the garage, no clear indicator has popped up with a red blinking arrow as to what to do. I run across the street to get help. Thank goodness I bra’d up! I harass her to come help. As we get closer to my house, I no longer hear an unfriendly spray, but a gushing angry waterline.
Sure enough, the pipe broke in a second location and is now spewing a fast, cold gusher onto our stuff.
I briefly run down my self admonishment list of shame:
Serves you right for trying to nap, you lazyass
THIS is the reason you get up and then make time to actually get dressed in the morning, you lazyass
Had you actually unpacked fully, this would not be so stressful and damaging (say it together) you lazyass
Who doesnt know where the main water shutoff is, you dumbass?!
And then I curse in double-time.
to be continued…
Sarcasmica 