All posts for the month March, 2014

Sick n’ Snotty

Published March 31, 2014 by sarcasmica

Dear Usually Very Healthy Child,

If you sneeze into my face one more time, i’m going to put red pepper in your chicken soup!

Ok, not really. But i’m tempted.

Also, pulling out one tissue to wipe the one little clear snot bubble dripping out of your nostril does not kill the entire tissue. You can use 95% of any other part of that tissue! At this point you have emptied a giant family size box, and from now on you pull not-quite-used tissues from the grocery bag and re-wipe.

reduce (my spending on a new box) , reuse, recycle (your snot)

Love and snotty kisses,

I had to take the petri dish out into public this morning for my son’s orthodontist appointment. I’d like to formally apologize for the spraying and spreading of germs. I can only control so many things. As a side note, i am also sorry for the giant fart she ripped in the middle of the lobby. That was totally gross and completely kind of impressive. I saw some of the boys in the waiting room raise their eyebrows in awe. How am I expected to control her bodily functions?!

I give it 2.8 minutes until the cold fully kicks in on my own face. My eyes are red and itchy and i’m not sure how long I can keep chanting “allergies”.

Sick kids are just so adorable! If  I lose track of her in the house today, I can just follow the Spiderman Snot web that she leaves behind.

Here’s hoping we contain the germs somehow.



Losing It, Losing It, Lost It!

Published March 30, 2014 by sarcasmica


Today I have declared National I Dont Care Day in our house.

Kids fighting? I dont care. Kids crying? I dont care. Kids bleeding? I could maybe find a band-aid.

Went out last night for moms night out with two friends and had a great time. I only had one drink so I was confused when I woke up with a headache…looking back it probably had more to do with the conditions I woke up to; “MOMMA!!! MOMMAMOMMAMOMMA!”

I leap out of bed to fight the three-eyed hairy snaggletoothed badguy that has obviously emerged from her closet to explain all the pre-dawn racket.

“I have boogers!!! i need a tissue”

I bit back my “Are you fucking kidding me?!” and tried to swallow my exasperation. I wiped boogers and even managed a kiss on the forehead before heading back to my cave. I felt the stirrings of a headache, but hoped more sleep would cure it. I hadnt fully caught up,from the 5:30am nosebleed with the other kid from the morning before, and was not feeling like riding the staircase to get some motrin…cause that makes sense. Nearly guaranteeing irradicating an awful headache by just going downstairs, or burying my head in the sheets and possibly waking up with a splitting headache.

Procrastination at its worst… or best?

Anyway, i am just drifting when I hear a little hand on my bedroom doorknob. She starts whimpering again because she cant open the door.

“I have to go potty.”

oh. my. god.

Take her, clean her, tuck her, back to bed.

This has resulted in my careless attitude today. I broke my no yelling record today and it wasnt even worth it at the time. I didnt get to yell a cuss word or scream something colorful and sarcastic. My 3 yr old was shouting from upstairs so after she was on repeat three times, I broke. “Just come downstairsssssss-uh!!!”

Am i proud? no. Do i care? Not particularly.

My head hurts too much to care. My children are being little a-holes today but mostly because i’m being a bigger one. ( Karen Alpert, )

I am looking very forward to Monday, needless to say.

Fresh Meat

Published March 28, 2014 by sarcasmica

We are getting new neighbors… like now. As I type this there is a U-Haul in the neighboring driveway.

Please, Little Baby Jesus, let them be normal, not uptight, friendly and non-judgmental in a relatable and coffee-talk-judgmental of only those I dont like type of way.

Please let their kids be fun and respectful and non-spazoids. Kids that wont taunt our dog to leave the yard and bite their noses off. Children I wont have to worry finding fireworks in one hand and my cat in the other. Perhaps, if I may be so bold as i’m already writing a wish list, even a family we would enjoy inviting over to BBQ…?

We will be seeing lots of each other, as neither property has a fenced back yard, but hopefully we can all live respectfully clothed and decent through those back porch windows…. or at the very least, let them be near-sighted so as to avoid those rare playful clandestine rendezvous on this side of the trough.

Here’s hoping for a miracle!


Published March 28, 2014 by sarcasmica

Each place we have moved has meant a new start finding friends. This is a difficult task as a grown up, and has been written about many times over. This last move had me out searching again for like-minded, like-parenting, normal, sane(ish), funny women I can both relate to and hopefully be relatable to.

The SAHM has many challenges, one of the most important being finding a support system. If you dont agree, lock yourself in your home with one rabid, three-legged hyena and try training it to jump through a hoop and poop on the toilet. Now add another. Now take away half of your pantry and 75% of the contents of your fridge.

And maintain this for one week without help.

I feel like playdates and especially MNO (moms night out) are our lifeline to adulthood, normalcy, evolved conversation that includes potty talk and real honest to goodness swear words. ..and somehow talk of pee and poo, but in a totally grown up and scientific way.

I couldnt be the quasi-well-adjusted and sane(ish) person I am if it hadnt been for all the amazing ladies I have spent countless lunches, park dates, and coffee dates and happy hours and even the occassional breakfast with all over the Western/Southwest/Northwest states of this country.

I miss the ones i’ve had to move away from. I cherish the new ones moreso because I know their value. I think of all the women who have shaped the type of mother I try to be and I wish there was a way to show my appreciation to each individual Super Woman. Instead, i’ll have to settle for grouping everyone together in a meager and unknown blog post.

I miss so many of you and hope you think of me from time to time.

Well enough sentimentality, who brought the vodka?

Mom School

Published March 25, 2014 by sarcasmica

This entry is more for my own reference. Something I can go back and review in a concise place. There will (hopefully) be more in the next couple of weeks, but here’s the first.

I’m taking a positive parenting class right now. I roped a friend into going with me, which was especially great for showing up to the first day. I feel like we are both getting heaps and piles of good information.

So far, here’s what i’ve learned for myself ;

1. Validate, then move along. “Ouch! I’m so sorry you hit your head. That must really hurt 😦  Can I give you a hug? Is there something you’d like to play with now?” “That really stinks your brother took away your toy. That would make me angry, too. Is there something else you want to play with?”
This is a pretty commonly known parenting tool, but it just never clicked with me until this class put it in simple terms. I’ve done it, i’ve practiced it, and it’s worked great for my toddler.

This could be used for more than just the kids. “Goodness, husband, I can see you are quite randy tonight. If I was out at a job working at my own desk not preparing food for others and cleaning butts and dirty chonies all day long, perhaps I might feel the same. I am happy to give you a hug and a kiss as soon as I’m finished putting the dishes away. Care to go have a solo date in the bathroom? Don’t forget the candles.”

2. I am more mindful of when/how I “flip my lid” when something is triggered (like the kids fighting and having the noise level escalate immediately) – this is something that is explained in the book/class and i’m not going to elaborate here.

I learned at the last class that this also might result from a significant other. Oh yes it does… yes it does.

3. Parent your child in a manner that will allow them to grow into the adult you hope they will be.

4. Monkey see – monkey do. NOT Monkey command – monkey do

5. Most recently, there was an exercise that demonstrated how most parents speak to their kids, esp when you are on a timeline. It looks something like:
“Put your shoes on.”
“Get your backpack.”
“Get your shoes on.”
“Don’t forget your coat.”
(and in my house) “GET YOUR SHOES ON!”

what might allow for a more pliable, productive result would be:

“Before you get to school, what might you need on your stinky feet?”
“Are you choosing your rain boots or your tennis shoes today?”
“Oh man, looks like it might be cold outside. Make sure you have what you need for recess.”

This particular demonstration was very eye-opening to me. I began parenting my son with lots of choices to get things moving when we had to be somewhere or get something done when he was a toddler. As he got older and we were on more of a schedule, my idea of saving time was just to tell him what to do. Most kids resent this immediately and first response is “No.”  I know I feel this way when someone tells me what to do! In reality, the forming of the question/idea might take longer, but the hope is that the results are me repeating the same command/direction less than the usual 15 times in conjunction with lots of sighs and exasperated eye rolls.

Again, perhaps this can translate into other relationships…
Instead of “Fill my wine glass!” maybe “I would love to get you a refill, my friend, would you mind if I got more for myself as well?”
Perhaps “The house might smell better if the trash were outside.” would work better than “Take the goddamned trash out!!”

There have been many tools i’ve taken away from the last two classes, and I hope to learn a lot more. As of right now, things are looking more hopeful for me parenting with a little more planning and deliberateness, and less reaction and regrouping.

..and monkeys might fly out of my butt


Published March 24, 2014 by sarcasmica

I’m taking a class on how to be a better parent; Positive Discipline & Parenting. Tonight, on a whim, I asked my kids to draw a picture for me o look at while i’m at class. Here’s what i got:



My daughter, 3.5, did hers first. ‘A Vampire’. She drew it sideways.
My son, 7,
had to outdo her, naturally, by leaving a recently fed upon corpse beside his blood-sucker.
I think we all need some help

Monday, bloody Monday

Published March 24, 2014 by sarcasmica

Usually I look forward to Mondays. This was not the case when I woke up this morning, however.

Despite the gorgeous weather, i’m kaput today. We were outside for most of the weekend. Soaking it in, as it were. We went garage sale hunting. And by ‘hunting’, i mean we became cartographers of the Eastside. I was born and raised in Southern California and you couldn’t walk out the front door anytime of the year and not stumble on three yard sales within five blocks. Here you have to map it, chart it, research it, route it and plan plan plan. It takes the whole spontaneous fun out of garage sale-ing! And you would think with modern technology, smart phones, smart cars, GPS systems, and google maps it would be a cinch. noooooOOOOooo. We showed up to the spots directed and at least 40% of the time it was the wrong place, or no sale was happening. Wrong turns, U Turns, cranky kids, cranky co-pilot/navigators (i.e. moi) and grumpy husbands … well, husband. I couldn’t and wouldn’t want to deal with multiples of these.

We have also lived in Arizona and Texas. Finding a garage sale in Arizona, as i remember it, was tricky also. Rarely will you find someone so desperate to empty their treasures and clutter they risk buring alive on a driveway for half a day to sell it off at a quarter per piece.

In Texas, you must plan as well. And sales are nil on Sundays. As are most activities. Hell, you couldn’t even buy liquor at the grocery store there! You have to make a plan to be an alcoholic in that ‘great state’.

I suppose here in Washington, the weather being as unpredictable as it is, there is actually a season for garage sales. Winter and early spring are not it. We did manage to find some great deals, but given that we had a car full of family, i’m still trying to convince myself it was all worth it.

We found a very cool hutch, a bakers rack, a cute end table, a wine rack/table combo and a desk for my son’s room all for less than 100 bucks. Not too shabby.

The toys used as bait/bribery for the littles came free with goobers and germs and crusties

If you don’t hear from me in the next week, assume the bubonic plague has taken hold, and was introduced from one such piece of furniture/garbage (gar-BAAAAAHj)

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