Fattys Dance, Too!

Published March 19, 2014 by sarcasmica

Dear XBox 360 Kinect Game Creators,

Fat people dance, too! Consider it a freebie on your next dance game.

I live in a rainy, weather-unpredictable climate. I do not like lugging a big clunky stroller outside in the rain, and throwing my big clunky three year old inside it, and hearing her whine all throughout my 3 mile 3 block walk around the neighborhood in the wet slushy/drizzly/cold/damp/soggy climate. As of late, I have felt particularly sloth-like inside the cocoon of my house. Namely, my electric reclining couch.

To combat my mood and my body’s inevitable need for movement – blasted heart demands – I fired up ye old XBox 360 today and allowed the kinect camera to eyeball me. I do not like the red eye of judgment, but it’s necessary for the game. I put in our previously unopened Dance game and even made space for my daughter to boogie beside me.

I have attempted similar games before, only to find some frustration in the lack of proper acknowledgment of my moves, so I rarely have gone back for second or third tries.

This time, I’m fully frustrated. Number one, you really do NOT need to RECORD portions of my rhinoceros-like flailing movements. It’s unpalatable. I do not need to see myself in reality when the version playing in my head is so much more aesthetically pleasing. I like pretending I resemble the anorexic, ethnic, gyrating diva on the screen. Call it motivation.

Number 2, you need to have a Hippo setting on your controls. My body type does not match the narrow outline i’m supposed to be filling in during the dance rehearsal/practice portion. Because of this, despite my doing the move as close to perfect as my thighs will allow, the repeated “X FAIL YOU SUCK!” that pops up on the screen after the single move is very discouraging! And as a suggestion, your soulless box offers to record the portion of practice horribly failed so to better understand where you have gone wrong.

I recorded it. M*tha F*cka, i did the damn move! My thighs were in the way of my oompa loompa movements, so the little outline was lost somewhere south of my gut and your narrow-eyed kinect camera wasn’t sophisticated enough to concede and give me credit. That glistening green check mark was out of my grasp for no damn reason. I felt like the giant uncoordinated mack truck I’m trying marginally to fix.

So please have mercy on the heifers out there trying to use your product. It’s a great alternative to a gym or going outside in the weather. Please understand that the only people who play your dance games might not fit into the impossibly narrow and parallel, outline you have created based on a professional dancer who, I assure you, does not – ironically – need your game for fitness or motivation. Better yet, go ahead and use the current structure of measure, but just allow for a more full or curvy or rhinoceresque body type outline.

I appreciate your time, i’m now going back to my safe, soft, non-judgmental cocoon.

-The Dancing Hippo

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