All posts for the month April, 2014

Plotting, Bleeding, Aching, and Peeing

Published April 29, 2014 by sarcasmica

Plotting:  My husbands long and painful demise for being out of the state on business right now. Right now and for another three days. It will be a total of 12 days by the end. Normally I can handle this, and it’s not such a big ordeal. HOWEVER, on days that start like today, I curse him and his sense of responsibility and work ethic.

It actually started yesterday. The recovery day from the sleepless night on our mini vacation over the weekend. My daughter’s sniffles turned into full blown chunky cough. I had her nap yesterday and decided to lay down at the same time… in a different room… far from waking sounds. I slept fitfully for 20 minutes at a time over an hour. (emails and phone calls ONLY come in on the days i try and nap) I got up and felt a head hummer coming on. Not the kind husbands dream about, the kind that begin in your brain and end up behind your eyes. Headache. I popped some Motrin and picked up The Sheriff from second grade.

There was an EPIC meltdown at homework time due to driving down our street the same time as the new neighbors. Sheriff was absolutely maddened by the fact he had homework…. you know, because that’s exactly the opposite of after school time for the past SEVEN MONTHS.

Amazingly, my hummer turned into a full blown headache by this time.

Despite the tantrum and the headache, I wrangled some tools from my now over (:( ) parenting class, and we put together an after school plan for him. As we were working out the kinks, this went down:

Me: “So how did you feel when you lost it over homework?”

him: “Bad. Frustrated. I hate homework!”

Me: “I understand. I’m so sorry that you felt that way. How did I act when you were yelling?”

h: “You were yelling, too.”

M: “really? I was?”

h: … puzzled… thinking… looks at me, “Wait a minute. You didn’t yell. Why not?!!”

lol awesome.

M: “because if i had yelled, would that have made you listen to me?”

h: “No.”

M: ” I don’t think yelling helps us find a resolution, either.”

and on and on it went until we had a plan firmly in place. And by “firmly” i mean he ended up giving in and saying “whatever is fine, mom. can i just go outside now?” You’re damned right I took it. We’ll see how it goes.

So after making dinner, eating dinner, off to my last class i went. Driving into the sun made the headache grow. Sitting through the class I had hoped to savor since it was the last, was more an effort not to lay in the middle of the floor and hold my eyelids open with my fingertips. I managed not to sit and rock in the corner, so it was a win in my mind.

The drive home with all the headlights blaring into my eyeballs did not help matters. I got home and just crawled into bed after popping more motrin.  (which i know doesn’t help a migraine, but it was all i had)

Usually sleep eliminates them. But I woke up at 7 with half of my head still throbbing like a Gallagher watermelon victim and shaking like a junkee.

Crawl into the shower. hot. sadly leave shower to lay down on bed with cloth over face while 3 year old ipads away. After a bit, we hunch down the hallway to make sure Sheriff is ready for school… ha.  ha hahahahaaa. He is not. He is hanging off his bed with his head over the side reading a book. (at least he’s reading, right?)  I get my daughter dressed when son goes charging into the bathroom yelling “NOSEBLEEEEED!!!!!!!”

of course.

He manages it as best he can on his own because his useless lump of a mom has now just fallen atop the toddler bed with her arm thrown over her eyes and shaking.

Bleeding:  My son’s nosebleed results in random strips of toilet paper with bright red blood splotches in one little corner left willy nilly all over the bathroom. Sinks, floor, toilet seat, (not actually IN toilet) drawers. It was like Chucky TP’d our bathroom.

The bloodbath ends, and my daughter and I head downstairs.  I manage to hold back my barf enough to shoot some nasal spray, take more motrin, and choke down three bites of  peanut butter on bread before my daughter nabs it from me. Fine by me. Less prep i’ve got to do.

She then puts down the sandwich and goes into the bathroom. I’m trying not to actually snort my coffee when i hear a high pitched squeal from the bathroom

Peeing: She didn’t make it to the toilet. “squeeEEEEEEEEEEEEE!! I peeeeeeeeeed!!!”



But since bloody Bruce was still upstairs, i was able to send her up to get her new dry undies.

The moral, I didn’t actually have to DO anything to solve the morning’s problems other than concentrate on not actually throwing up. (and mopping the bathroom floor) I had to direct the kids on how to solve their own problems so I’m gonna look at it as teaching independence. The hard part was driving ten miles each way with both kids out in the light of day to school and back.  I’m sure i was a menace on the road, but half of it was hindered by traffic, so that was a plus today. My kid was “only” 10 minutes late for school. I also had to cancel the pre school tour for my daughter due to her chunky cough and my impression of a white walker.

But the good news is the day was only half over by the time the caffeine, motrin, and snoozing kicked in and my daughter helped set up our table umbrellas outside and had a wonderful sun-drenched lunch outdoors this afternoon.

Now i’m gonna lay back down and imagine all the wonderful jobs the husband will do when he gets back to make up for this horrendous morning.  Dishes… laundry.. back rub.. flowers

her impression of mommy









Finally having some fun


New Fav Snack

Published April 28, 2014 by sarcasmica

So I have discovered a new favorite snack, and I love it!
The frightening parts:

1. its totally vegetarian
2. its Caillou-simple to make
3. your kids will not try to steal it from you
4. you can change it, flip it, smack it, rub it down however you like
5. i have no idea what wine goes with an am veggie snack, but not because i wouldnt do it… i just dont like wine

1. One tortilla (i used spinach)
2. 1 30 minute TV show
3. Hummus of your liking (i use Sabra Roasted Red Pepper)
4. cucumber (sliced in circles)
5. carrots (chopped/sliced/diced/grated w/e)
6. crunchy veggies of your choosing (i used a pre-pkg chopped salad because im lazy and i am OK with that)

To do:
Turn on TV for kid so you can do this in one attempt. If you pass a pantry or fridge too many times, you will not stick with it long enough to try it.

Slather hummus on middle of tortilla top to bottom. Line up slices of cucumber vertically down one side of hummus. Add chopped/diced/grated carrots down the other side. Fill the middle of hummus with chopped salad/cabbage/whatever bulky, crunchy veggies you like. now fold top & bottom end over itself, and then wrap it all up. Cut it in half to force yourself not to wolf down the entire thing before the end of the babysitting educational TV show your littles are watching. Savor it. Much like the rare occassion your Sig Other takes over dishes, laundry or child entertaining. Savor the rare moments of satisfaction. Most importantly, let me know if you did it, and if you like it!

I ate this as a snack, by the way, and not a meal. Is that bad?

Ask me if i care.

happy crunching!!


(this is a picture from my ipad of my iphone picture. yes, i am that unorganized and lazy.)

A Whole Lotta Crazy

Published April 26, 2014 by sarcasmica

We went on a local ‘staycation’ this weekend. In fact, i’m on it now.

I’m losing my effing mind

Im laying in a surprisingly comfortable Best Western bed with actual clean sheets and pillows. How do I know this? The hotel is brand-spankin new. Just opened last week. Unless a fraternity stayed on the entire second floor between last week and now, chances are pretty good its all pretty new. No spores in the carpet yet. No bleached out mildew in the shower. (yet) no bed bug colonies ..yet.

The unfortunate part is also that it’s new. The phone wasnt working, there’s weird noises, no extra bedding pre-stocked. They havent worked out the kinks yet. It took ten minutes for the fifty-ish desk clerk to give me back change for $5 on a $1.09 bottle of water.

She blamed it on the computers not working. I blame her third grade math teacher.

As I lay here in the new starchy bed listening to the hum/high frequency whine of the refrigerator, and the deep air hose breathing of my mom’s new sleep apnea machine, and the random sharp bark of my dog as my 7yr old sleeps/shifts/kicks/lunges/drools beside me i wonder why i’m not enjoying sleep from behind my own closed bedroom door at home.

I check my daughter for the twentieth time to make sure she’s still breathing after getting a lungfull of water at the pool earlier. Between that and her cold, im wondering how much sleep i’ll get

Turns out i wont get much sleep at all! After 2 hours of semi-sleep, a dance troupe checked in upstairs and began rehearsals for their hoofed animal variety show.

Calling the front desk resulted in a whole lot more activity before they finally bedded down for the night around 1am. What is wrong with people? Perhaps I should walk my dog upstairs in that hallway and allow him to leave a token of our unappreciation near their door.

I guess i’ve been doing a lot of exasperated sighing because my son keeps rolling over in his sleep and patting my face to reassure me. it would be cute if i weren’t so frigging passive aggressively annoyed beyond belief.

Nothing like a vacation to make you appreciate how much you love being home….where you sleep on the top floor…away from people

Mom Moments

Published April 23, 2014 by sarcasmica

I learned some things today:

1. It’s possible to wake up feeling giant, put on a pair of pants, and have them be loose!

2. Having fun and making my 7 year old laugh in the morning is the best way to wake up

3. In 2nd grade, it’s still ok for your mom to walk you to your classroom

4. Tickling and hugging and silly-singing “I love you! Have a grrrrrrreat day!” in the line in front of all his friends is still fun and silly and not “like totally embarrassing”

5. I need to milk the last bit of 2nd grade for all it’s worth because I have a feeling 3rd grade will have a list of unacceptables from my “little” boy

6. When my son tells me “I like to play with myself sometimes at recess. I don’t always want people around me.”  actually means “I like to play BY myself”. I am impressed at his self-awareness and his appreciation and need to not always be surrounded by loud, rambunctious, constantly in-motion kids. For a sensory-challenged kid, this is an amazing sense of self regulation.

7. I am so thankful that this kid is mine

8. My son is smarter than me and it comes up out of the blue. Here was one snippet of our conversation regarding a plan for recess when he’s having trouble with his friends:

me: “what’s a good plan to have when you get angry at someone, but you don’t want to use mean words?”

him:  “You can remind me to use better words.”

me:  “well, the idea is you have to learn how to choose on your own because what if you get mad and i’m not there with you to help?”

him:   shocked and disappointed : “mom. you are always with me! You are in my heart!”

and just like that, a knife to my chest, and simultaneously feeling proud and impressed that some things do actually get through that noggin and stick

Today is starting out nicely, and i’m hopeful this can go down in the record books as a day I did not contribute to the adult therapy fund …  for my son at least



Thrift Store of Doooom

Published April 21, 2014 by sarcasmica

I’m still trying to decorate our house. We’ve been there since December and I’ve got a couple spots that are head-scratchers. There is a small landing above the front door that has stumped me. Whilst shopping at the thrift store today, I came across these beauties:

How about that hovering above the door as you exit the house everyday, hmmm?
“Hurry baaaaaaack! Bring us a new viiiictiiim.”
And the fact its a pair just wigs me out. The Shining, anyone? I could put them in the hallway..
They would terrify the Elf on the Shelf.
Twins from the Bin more like it.

The Highlight Reel

Published April 20, 2014 by sarcasmica

Today was great. Here’s a list for myself to look back on and chuckle.

1. My daughter puts on the dress she received in her basket, heads to the full length mirror and says, “That’s incredible!!”

2. My son helping his baby sister find eggs. The pink eggs, and the crappy eggs with the stickers, but eggs nonetheless.

3. My daughter squealing in delight when spotting an egg

4. Seeing my kids in am chocolate bliss…then afternoon sugar withdrawals and finally, the late afternoon crash

5. Having our first Easter in our new home, healthy kids, and family together for the fun stuff before my husband had to fly off for work

I hope everyone had a safe, fun, and happy Easter. Now go raid those baskets and leftover stashes!!!

Dear Bunny

Published April 20, 2014 by sarcasmica

Dear Easter Bunny,
I bet you think you’re pretty funny. I do not appreciate the grey hair you left all over my head this Easter. I did not ask for it, I do not want it, and you can shove it up your cottontail.
Next time this happens, momma’s gonna have herself four new lucky rabbit feet.
Completely Sincere,

by the way, the kids loved the baskets, you are a genius for the under 8 crowd. lets leave it at that, Funny Bunny.

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