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All posts for the month May, 2014

Coma Anyone?

Published May 30, 2014 by sarcasmica

Belviq Side Effects in Detail – Drugs.com.

I catch the last 10 minutes of Bethenny this morning when I see an ad for a new weight loss medicine. It is a sad Debbie Downer of a commercial about how uncomfortable it is in social situations to not acknowledge when you feel full… or if you do, or if you don’t, or if you want more… or maybe you just want the fruit.. or maybe you don’t.

This ad was for a new weight loss pill called Belviq and it claims to block that mysterious part of your brain that has narcolepsy and fails to alert you when you really are full or aren’t even hungry. They sort of express the importance of pairing it with exercise and healthy eating – because most of us overweight people are typically really good with working that into our days – and insinuate this is just a tool in the overall picture. Fine fine fine. I was curious about it, so I guess it worked. What I was even more curious about, however, was the side effects. Side effects are the leading source of amusement and entertainment when researching a drug, afterall.

Alli, anyone? I mean, it’s insane! (from Rxlist.com http://www.rxlist.com/alli-side-effects-drug-center.htm )

Common side effects include changes in your bowel function because of the unabsorbed fat. Fatty/oily stool, oily spotting, intestinal gas with
discharge, a  feeling of needing to have a bowel movement right away, increased number of bowel movements, or poor bowel control may occur.
These side effects may worsen if you eat more fat than you should.

So you’ll absorb 25% less fat, but you may shit yourself before you leave the restaurant. Side effects SHOULD include an extra pack of chonies.

Is it now this bad? Some of the common side effects of the Belviq drug (according to http://www.drugs.com/sfx/belviq-side-effects.html) are:

                 bladder pain, anxiety (no shit! i have anxiety after just reading about the side effects, let alone living with them), bloody or cloudy urine, chills & cold sweats,
COMA, (?!?!?!) depression, difficulty breathing, difficult or burning urination, fast heartbeat, ear congestion, INCREASED HUNGER, (hello ?!!)
seizures, slurred speech, unexpected or excess milk flow from the breasts, (a highlight for the men interested in this)
slow or fast heartbeat (I guess the seizures and slurred speech did not allow for proper recording of the human trials)

Is anyone actually going to use this medication? I will reiterate, these are the COMMON side effects. The “less common” are:
bloating or swelling of the face, arms, hands, lower legs or feet (what the hell is left?!)
fruit-like breath odor (fruit-like, because it’s a good bet this person did not just injest a bag of apples
joint pain
loss of consciousness
rapid weight gain (?!!)
severe skin rash or hives
swollen glands (again i say, what body parts are left?!)
trouble with breathing

This is just a partial list. Very partial. So the message that is being sent and i’m understanding is if you are obese and have trouble withholding from seconds at the family reunion and/or buffet, it is more socially acceptable for you to crap your drawers, have a seizure, swell up like a puffer fish and lose consciousness while lactating than to be out in public offending the slender-framed people of the world.  It’s not that embarrassing to walk into a plus size store. I feel it would be far more embarrassing to finally be able to walk into Forever 21 with black tar running down your pants while you are having cold sweats and a swollen face.

I think it’s time to stop photoshopping Cosmo and start accepting people for who they really are. Or, better yet, how about we ban all cosmetic procedures for a year so us heavier heifers get to point and laugh at the thin-lipped, crooked and big nosed, cellulite, small boobed masses.?

If we all venture out into the world in our natural form, perhaps, just maybe society will begin making it’s downward decent into an actual reality and stop setting girls and boys up for disappointment when they wake up at 30 and come to understand that this truly is all they’ve got to work with.  The only side effect might be more focus on eating and living healthy and not concerning yourself first and foremost with how you look.

 

The Race Thing

Published May 27, 2014 by sarcasmica

I am the youngest of three by 6 and eight years. For a long time I was essentially an only child. My brothers were out of the house completely by the time I was 10. My parents divorced when I was 8 and as a result of all the madness, I always felt my place was as the peace-keeper for everyone. At the very least, I was the medium through which information passed between my absent father and nomad brothers. I tried to be the non-issue as a kid. My brothers put our mom through various types of hell and I was in the front row to see what that did to her.

My point is that i have always felt like The Peace- Keeper. The boat stabilizer, if you will. Conflict, confrontation, awkwardness is all painfully avoided for me. This makes for some interesting parenting moments. Moments I know we all go through, but might react differently to. The race thing is confusing to me and always has been. I’ve heard some painfully embarrassing stories from friends about their kids big mouths and resulting awkwardness. I have two very loud-mouthed children and know it’s just a matter of time before I earn that badge.

The closest i’ve come to mortification is my son pointing out the very large waiter at a Red Robin one day three years ago. My son found it his mission to let everyone in the vicinity know he saw a REALLY BIG BELLY on our server. Complete with pointing and gestures. I had a quiet, red-faced whispered conversation with him at the time and that was the end of that. So far he’s kept my social shaming to grocery store screaming and spitting and head-spinning.

My daughter, on the other hand, seems to be the one that will finally get me the Race Awkward badge. She feels it’s her duty to point out obvious facts. Mainly, the color of the play center cashier’s skin. He happens to be a very dark skinned African American gentleman with a big happy smile all the time. The clincher for her is that he seems on the young side. My daughter loves boys. LOVES them. She has declared her love openly to many a pizza guy and mail carrier. On the way into the mall where the play center is, she was repeatedly saying, “Thats where the man with the black skin is! He have very dark skin. My skin is…. what color is my skin, momma?” “You have tan skin, honey.” “Yea.”

We spoke about how lots of people look different but we are still all people (blah blah blah) and we dont need to tell people what they look like… because they already know. And then a black woman with her two kids begins walking behind us and that’s when I start to sweat. I get nervous my 3 year old will offend somehow. I get nervous at what *might* happen.

I start walking a little faster. The mother goes somewhere else, and before I know it, we are in the play center and the same guy is the cashier again today. “Look mom! There he is! Its the guy with the very black skin.”

Sweating and heart palpitations, I tell her yes and ask if shes excited to play.

I am stuck between social graces, propriety, and wanting to not discourage my daughter’s perceptiveness…. although i dont know how perceptive it really is to point out obvious things..? But i cant help but say yes. You are right that people DO look different. But thats where the differences become special and interesting. Not isolating and oppressive.

I dont want to shush her, because then she’ll feel she’s done something wrong. I also dont want her to keep jabbering on and embarrass the person who is on the other end of her fascination. She says all of her observations with a smile and wonder. Thats a good thing!

So how do you other moms handle the uncomfortable awkward, obvious observations of your little squirts? Or is it a non-issue and i’m making something out of nothing?

Enduring Flames

Published May 26, 2014 by sarcasmica

I had a long arduous night last night with an old flame. A flame that wouldn’t quit. It was exhausting!

It was a DuraFlame Log.

It’s been a pretty decent holiday weekend here. We’ve had many play dates and friends in and out and that has saved my sanity! More importantly, it’s let my three brain cells come together and make a few plans for something fun. We did s’mores Saturday night and had the neighbor over. Her husband travels as well, and her two boys  get along great with my kids. We had an old fashioned backyard bonfire and roasted the biggest fattest marshmallows I could find.

It was great!

The kids didn’t go to sleep until nearly 9 o’clock. One of them even slept in until 8 the next day. Heaven.

Last night I decided we’d keep the fire element going since the weather has been pretty dreary, and we had a fireside family movie night. Cars 2. It was fab. .. until about 50 minutes in when dinner was ready, then the kids got all wiggly and we never really ended the film. (which I was absolutely fine with)

So I started the fire around 5:30/6. Bearing in mind we currently have 2 charred and unburned logs sitting beside the BBQ because these things never cooperate in our fireplace, I had pretty decent assumptions the fire would be out by the time I went to bed. Afterall, I began it before 6.

At 11pm I was staring daggers into the flames.

The log actually began to die off. It never really got to a ‘roaring’ status, so by the time it was puttering out and only burning a little bit on one side, I dusted off the poker and started to break it up to make sure it had cooled.

(side note: we found out after moving in the neighbors had a fire that began with a log in the fireplace they thought was out when they went to bed. After the house caught on fire, they discovered the builder hadn’t properly enclosed the fireplace with the proper materials. Specifically it’s apparently bad to enclose a FIREPLACE with WOOD. All of these houses are the same builder, and we have not forked over the money to hire a fireplace specialist to look for us)

Well it seems instead of smothering and rubbing it out, I stoked it and the entire log woke up. But not before half of it crumbled into charcoal onto the fireplace floor beneath the grate.

shitshitshit

All I need to do is literally burn the house down while my husband is away.

I grabbed a brand new water bottle and doused the pieces on the fireplace floor.

Smoke billowed out into the living room and up to the TV which is mounted above the fireplace.

Turn on the very loud and echoing fan to suck it up and out the flu (flew/floo ??)

shitshitshitshit!

Sit back down and watch TV. Stare angrily at the fire. This is no longer a beautiful experience. I’m now noticing the gross sooty fireplace doors. The black soot covering the back of the fireplace itself.

at 11:30 the fire goes out. HUZZAH!!! I think to myself I had better wait to be sure it wasn’t toying with my sensibilities.

Sure enough, 15 minutes later: “Poof!” It reignites.

Try to smother the fire with the tools… it works in only stoking it again.

I do the water bottle/fan/wave back door open and closed dance a few more times.

The water bottle breaks.

I get some baking soda. I don’t know why. I thought it was an effective extinguisher.

It’s not.

Now I have wet baking soda cooking on the open roaring wet and soggy Dura Log.

Grab the next water bottle.

Smoke/fan/back door fan.

Second water bottle breaks.

shit shit shittyshitshit!

Sit back down and choose a movie.

at 1:15 the muth@—r finally goes out. I douse it with water to be sure and wait 45 minutes to be totally sure it’s dead. I go to bed at 2am and have dreams about that f-ing log all night for a couple hours until I wake up with the kids.

I notice the house smells just a little like smoke and am impressed and thankful it doesn’t smell like a chimney floo/flu/flew/flough.

The kids and I have our slow and nice morning and at 11 when we go up to get dressed, I come downstairs to find the f-ing thing is SMOKING AGAIN!

That nightmare possessed piece of wood is like Charlie Cheen’s wang! No matter how much it’s burning, that f_er just keeps going back for more.

This was on the heels of a BBQ experience that could have gone horribly wrong on Friday. Instead of turning the propane valve shut, I went back to check before going to bed hours after I cooked to find I had actually turned the valve completely open.

I’m really crossing my fingers my husband gets back soon so we can complete an entire first year in this house.

Fantasies

Published May 22, 2014 by sarcasmica

My daughter must be growing or building a bigger brain. She has been sleeping in all week. I’ve had to wake her three out of the last four days by 8 to get my son to school.

Speaking of my son, he’s off of school tomorrow through Monday.

I’m betting money they will both be awake and spitfired by 7am.

The Motrin PM I just took is begging otherwise.

Wish us all luck

luck and cocktails

Red Robin Letter

Published May 20, 2014 by sarcasmica

Its fair to say we frequent Red Robin on occasion. My son had an assignment to write a persuasive letter, and his topic of choice was Red Robin’s mac & cheese. For a second grader, it is the pinnacle of mac & cheese fine dining. Here is the letter:

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What the Kid Says

Published May 20, 2014 by sarcasmica

“What does the kid say?”

“No no no nonononono nonon no no no nO NO thank you.”  (a la “What Does the Fox Say?”)

We’ve had three quotes so far this week:

#1 Splashing and sitting and carefully standing in the cooled off jacuzzi last week, my daughter says, “My butt is water proof!” To which I had to agree.

#2 After handing out the kid’s vitamins one of the 3% of mornings I remembered and had time to, the children were inspecting their colored gummies. They pop them into their mouths and compare flavors. My son had orange and purple. Naturally tasting like “orange” and “purple”. He asked my daughter, “What does the red one taste like?” she answered in a low creepy voice, “Bloooooood.”

It’s safe to say she scares us all a little. And finally,

#3 We spent some time at the mall yesterday doing mother-daughter type things. We broke for food court lunch. I set her down with her pizza slice and water and went to order my trough tray. When I came back I asked her, “Whatcha doin’? How’s your pizza?” She responded, “Good. I’m just watchin’ all the crazy people.”

It’s a life skill to have that mastered so young, in my opinion. She’s three. I see a bright future that may or may not involve padded walls and/or bars for her.

Summer Approaches

Published May 14, 2014 by sarcasmica

This mosquito smorgasbord has had it, and it’s only May. Thankfully we are no longer in Austin where the ‘skeeters’ are pretty much year round and the size of a watermelon. The season is fairly short here, but damned if those buggers dont feast on this bodacious bod every day! I’ve had to Pinterest remedies and tonight the cure du jour is dry soap. So far so good.

Also on the agenda is sweating your balls off. If I had ’em, i’m sure they’d be gone by now. My poor son is navigating his way through life with the proper anatomy and i’m afraid im not much help there. As in down there. If we do not get a manual with our babies, we should at least get a Genitals for Dummies when we have the opposite sex child. I’ve already told my husband he’s on duty around 11 or 12 years old for the puberty lesson. I can coach and cheer and advise away on the girls (or whatever) when it gets there, but I cannot deal with the actual physical logistics. We just recently began using the word ‘penis’. My husband nearly choked on his spoonful of peanut butter when I said it aloud while talking to our son.

It sounds immature and totally irresponsible that I cant handle that stuff, but thats just how I roll.

So today we had a combination of three hot days running around at recess, plus P.E., plus new swim lessons began. After the evening shower and soap, there was some sort of reaction that had my poor child screaming in pain and refusing to pee.
😦
We got through it, but he ended up going to bed in the hopes it all remedies itself magically overnight. I cant say I am thinking any differently.

Bears are beginning to roam around now and I have no idea what i’ll do at my first sighting. I know getting a picture will be my second response – after pissing myself.

Heat here means fans. Not many places have a/c and as a result, my son’s nose will bleed more regularly. I picked him up from school yesterday and he had TP shoved up his nose. TWO nosebleeds and one around 3am the same morning.

The last issue i am having is regarding sacks. Egg sacks. I have had two on the porch the past 2 days. The whole concept is alien and horrifying. I am a city girl through and through. A beach city girl, no less, where sand fleas should be the worst fate you deal with…. and sharks, i suppose…and jellyfish. Well at least those things do not crawl into your ears and lay eggs. I digress.

The other summer prep annoyance here is the Road Construction season. There are 3 main roads that lead us to civilization and all are under construction for weeks on end. One wont be finished until September. September! If it’s not pouring down rain or humid and boiling, there are back hoes and hard hats out feverishly getting it all done.

Spring has sprung and so has my patience.

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