Enduring Flames

I had a long arduous night last night with an old flame. A flame that wouldn’t quit. It was exhausting!

It was a DuraFlame Log.

It’s been a pretty decent holiday weekend here. We’ve had many play dates and friends in and out and that has saved my sanity! More importantly, it’s let my three brain cells come together and make a few plans for something fun. We did s’mores Saturday night and had the neighbor over. Her husband travels as well, and her two boys  get along great with my kids. We had an old fashioned backyard bonfire and roasted the biggest fattest marshmallows I could find.

It was great!

The kids didn’t go to sleep until nearly 9 o’clock. One of them even slept in until 8 the next day. Heaven.

Last night I decided we’d keep the fire element going since the weather has been pretty dreary, and we had a fireside family movie night. Cars 2. It was fab. .. until about 50 minutes in when dinner was ready, then the kids got all wiggly and we never really ended the film. (which I was absolutely fine with)

So I started the fire around 5:30/6. Bearing in mind we currently have 2 charred and unburned logs sitting beside the BBQ because these things never cooperate in our fireplace, I had pretty decent assumptions the fire would be out by the time I went to bed. Afterall, I began it before 6.

At 11pm I was staring daggers into the flames.

The log actually began to die off. It never really got to a ‘roaring’ status, so by the time it was puttering out and only burning a little bit on one side, I dusted off the poker and started to break it up to make sure it had cooled.

(side note: we found out after moving in the neighbors had a fire that began with a log in the fireplace they thought was out when they went to bed. After the house caught on fire, they discovered the builder hadn’t properly enclosed the fireplace with the proper materials. Specifically it’s apparently bad to enclose a FIREPLACE with WOOD. All of these houses are the same builder, and we have not forked over the money to hire a fireplace specialist to look for us)

Well it seems instead of smothering and rubbing it out, I stoked it and the entire log woke up. But not before half of it crumbled into charcoal onto the fireplace floor beneath the grate.

shitshitshit

All I need to do is literally burn the house down while my husband is away.

I grabbed a brand new water bottle and doused the pieces on the fireplace floor.

Smoke billowed out into the living room and up to the TV which is mounted above the fireplace.

Turn on the very loud and echoing fan to suck it up and out the flu (flew/floo ??)

shitshitshitshit!

Sit back down and watch TV. Stare angrily at the fire. This is no longer a beautiful experience. I’m now noticing the gross sooty fireplace doors. The black soot covering the back of the fireplace itself.

at 11:30 the fire goes out. HUZZAH!!! I think to myself I had better wait to be sure it wasn’t toying with my sensibilities.

Sure enough, 15 minutes later: “Poof!” It reignites.

Try to smother the fire with the tools… it works in only stoking it again.

I do the water bottle/fan/wave back door open and closed dance a few more times.

The water bottle breaks.

I get some baking soda. I don’t know why. I thought it was an effective extinguisher.

It’s not.

Now I have wet baking soda cooking on the open roaring wet and soggy Dura Log.

Grab the next water bottle.

Smoke/fan/back door fan.

Second water bottle breaks.

shit shit shittyshitshit!

Sit back down and choose a movie.

at 1:15 the muth@—r finally goes out. I douse it with water to be sure and wait 45 minutes to be totally sure it’s dead. I go to bed at 2am and have dreams about that f-ing log all night for a couple hours until I wake up with the kids.

I notice the house smells just a little like smoke and am impressed and thankful it doesn’t smell like a chimney floo/flu/flew/flough.

The kids and I have our slow and nice morning and at 11 when we go up to get dressed, I come downstairs to find the f-ing thing is SMOKING AGAIN!

That nightmare possessed piece of wood is like Charlie Cheen’s wang! No matter how much it’s burning, that f_er just keeps going back for more.

This was on the heels of a BBQ experience that could have gone horribly wrong on Friday. Instead of turning the propane valve shut, I went back to check before going to bed hours after I cooked to find I had actually turned the valve completely open.

I’m really crossing my fingers my husband gets back soon so we can complete an entire first year in this house.