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All posts for the month July, 2014

A Husband List

Published July 30, 2014 by sarcasmica

What I’m always surprised and annoyed my husband doesn’t know:

1. Where food is located in/around/beside the pantry

2. Where cold food is kept

3. What the kids would eat for dinner if you HAD to make something from the kitchen’s contents

4. What devices/tools to use if you HAD to do #3

5. Operating the washer

6. Where the spare toilet paper is kept

7. Who the pediatrician is

8. Where the clean towels are

9. Which towels to use and which are decoration

10. Where the nearest jewelry store is

 

What I’m always surprised my husband DOES know:

1. Our anniversary

2. All the birthdays

3. What the bank account status is (usually)

4. My need and insistence on living near Target

5. How to handle a hurt child

6. How to appreciate the job that is SAHM

7. Enough to hold an amazing job that allows me to be a SAHM

8. When to tag in on a kid situation

9. Keurig = happy wife

10. My therapy shopping

 

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Quiet Time

Published July 30, 2014 by sarcasmica

I have managed to hold off a double “quiet time” for my kids until today. School ended June 18th and I have managed to make it to JULY 30th!

*pats own back*

I didn’t think this would happen. I have a little over four weeks to go before school starts and i’m happy to say I have not stuck my head in any ovens or put the kids in the backyard and locked the door …. yet. Somehow priorities and goals change from the beginning of the summer to mid-summer. I’ve gone from savoring alone time with my kids and planning educational activities to just not choking them by dinner time.

And i’ve done it all without drinking or pills. 🙂

(like many many many other parents out there, I know)

This weekend we are taking a family trip to the Renaissance Faire. Gage and my husband will get a lesson in boobs, while my daughter and I will be admiring pirates.. for totally different reasons. Should be a jollygood time! I’m sure there’s some educational lesson that could go with this trip, but i’m in it for the fun and pictures. Screw the history.

 

Sneaky Coffee

Published July 28, 2014 by sarcasmica

I woke up early today. Before 7! Before snoring husband, before little children. There is always that moment of “… am I going to phone wake (i.e. stay in bed) or body wake and go downstairs?”

I usually linger in bed and relish in the birds chirping, the ceiling fan humming, and the quiet of my sanctuary… but hubbz is in town currently, so it was more of the chirping of his nose hairs, the snoring of his face, and the rustling of the sheets. I took inventory of sleeping bodies in the house and after realizing I was the only one awake, I decide to brave it. The hail mary. The silent creep. The careful tiptoe.

I chose to go downstairs. I even remembered the laundry basket! It’s gonna be an amazing day!

I creep by the kid’s rooms. Despite the creaking floorboards, I think the previous day’s garage sale and sun exposure has worn them out – one can only hope.

On the decent down the stairs, I am savoring the idea of my hot cup of mocha with my mexican cinnamon chocolate creamer. Heaven! Coffee is so much more delectable when you can sip it in peace!

I drop the laundry off to the machine, and creep into the kitchen. I find my favorite mug, load it onto my keurig, pull open the pod drawer and …..

dust and crickets

Apparently in the hubbub of the garage sale, I somehow forgot to restock my reserves, my sanity, my am medicine, from the grocery store.

I quietly scream out an F-bomb while doing my best pissed off toddler body impression and skulk to the computer to check the bank account and deal with bills. Gotta start the day off right with a complete round of disappointment, right? Once you are on the train, you might as well buckle up and take the ride.

I guess my family is in for a surprise when they come downstairs this morning as well….

I <3 Goats!

Published July 25, 2014 by sarcasmica

If I had the patience and fencing for a farm, I would be happily overrun with manure from all types of animals. I would literally be happy as a pig in shit. But pigs are not my thing. Goats are where it’s at, y’all. Goats!

I took my little monsters to a farm today. It was a miserable headache to get them there, but dammit, we made it! After pulling the car over twice for various screamings and pokings and tormentings, we were well on our way to sitting in traffic for thirty minutes.

Woop Woop!

But once we got there, it was all nearly worth the exorbitant price of admission. This place lets you meander around with your monsters and just pet whatever crosses your path. It’s phenomenal!
(You may suspect by now the farm trip was really for me to go and pet animals I don’t foot a vet bill for… and you would be correct. The kids, wisely, go along for the ride)

My children were only issued one “warning” from the staff for running wild near the horses in the stalls, but otherwise did well. (Mombarrassing!!) There was a Petco-esque-ferret-case with a momma hen and her umpteen adorably huggable, snuggleable, massively cute peeping chicks. This was a fav of all the kids, definitely.

The kids got to ride a train, and afterwards visited a pen with just two goats and three boulders. The kids all hopped from one rock to the next while I impatiently waited for another adult to finish ogling the baby goat so I could have my own turn. As I was making flared-nostril faces at the woman hogging the goat, my daughter fell off one such boulder. *SPLAT* right on her face! Before I could get to her, the other big momma goat had run over and stood in front of my kid.

(!!!)

It was the coolest thing. I don’t know if that goat was looking for an easy snack, or just wanted to taste freshly muddied jeans, but I didn’t care. It was amazing and it shut my daughter’s screaming wails up like *that*.

We walked through some more areas and ended up at the gigantic enclosed but open “petting area”. There were momma pigs and piglets, goats of varying sizes, chickens of every color, and bunnies. Bunnies everywhere. Scared, over-petted, over-poked, nervous bunnies trying to camouflage themselves in tree stumps, fencing, long grass, and dirt. Some were quite comfortable laying in the middle of the paths, fat as gnomes, noses twitching towards grubby little hands hungry to pet and plaster their downy fur. They could care less. But the ones hiding in trees and hopping from grass blade to tree stump to fence post were who I felt bad about.

dead, or just camo?

dead, or just camo?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The animals were overall so well taken care of and happy. It was like walking into that proverbial farm in the sky you imagine all the animals go to when they die. … only i’m sure there are far less toddlers and children molesting the animals on the farm in the clouds.

The highlight in this area was the nearly new baby goat. This little thing was the bees knees, and not much bigger. SO cute. SO soft, and so amenable to the pets and love. (S)He was cuddled up to the momma who was equally gentle and patient with all the admirers. It was all I could do not to pack this baby up and take it home.

cutest thing ever

cutest thing ever

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s interesting these li’l guys are called “kids”. I’m hard pressed to find an actual kid as docile, cute, and well behaved as these creatures!

They are like a better version of a cat. Playful and cute, but non-crushable and not assholes!

Big Bros FTW!

Published July 24, 2014 by sarcasmica

Big Brothers can be a lot of things. Pains in the butt. Protectors. Jesters. Instigators. Dictators. My 3 year old daughter has a big brother. He’s 8, and today I watched him be such a cool big brother, I could not stop beaming at the both of them.

We were at a mall playground. Yes it’s nearly the end of July, but here in the beautiful, wet, soggy Pacific Northwest, it has been raining for two days. This momma needed an out! We checked out the Lego store, then the Build a Bear store, followed up by the play ground. The very busy, crowded, germ-infested, petri dish, Lord of the Flies toddler play ground. My son is too big to play, so he sat with me and played with his Lego set. My daughter made a B-Line for the slide. While she ran to her destination, I noticed a Hulk-esque toddler running around tormenting other kids. His owner/handler was calling him Malachi. Go figure. I noticed this child, along with about 5 others, bulldozing their way to the top of the slide.

c/o dvdtalk.com

My daughter came back crying, “They didn’t let me take my turn!” Precious. Precious Princesses don’t get far in the play ground war zones. It’s every snot monster for himself. Slide or be trampled!

My son, hearing this, puffs up his chest, and very seriously tells me with his big blue Knight in Shining Armor eyes, “I’ll go, mom. I’ll help her.”

minifigures.lego.com

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Now this could go one of two ways. He could be sweet and careful, or protective and aggressive. Seeing as how the other keepers didn’t feel managing their offspring high on their To-Do lists, I let it play out. I’m so glad I did! My daughter went to the top of the steps and my son made his body an “X” at the bottom. No one could come up behind her and push her aside.

Then the comedy began

My daughter, feeling high on her little sister horse, was too busy and astounded that he was doing this, she was looking back and watching him instead of going down the slide. This took time. Precious time. Meanwhile, a smaller kid came running towards the slide, saw my big X kid and decided to just go through his legs.

My son was so shocked, his jaw dropped and he looked back at me with a “WTF?!!” look.

Some parents have to wait until their children have kids to really soak in the karma/pay back, etc. Today I got a glimpse of my own and it was delicious!

My son had a great attitude about it and just took it as a challenge. That kid was allowed through. My daughter realized her time was up and slid down.

Not to be deterred, my daughter went up again and my son decided to try another pose. More like a side-facing “K”. The little tyke thought it was as cute as I did because he Red-Rovered right passed the big kid barricade like Santa was on the other side.

My son looked at me again, astounded. I couldn’t stop laughing. He just rolled with it, and now it had become more entertaining to my daughter than the slide.

Another incident caused my son to get whacked (lightly) across the face from another chubby hand, and like any professional performer sensing a pliable audience, went with it and allowed the gesture to knock him completely off his feet and onto the padded {smelly stinky crusty} carpet.

It went on and on this way for nearly ten minutes. My daughter had a champion, my son got to hone his Knight skills, and I got to see another facet of this incredible soul I had a part in creating.

He’s driven me batty at least 87 times since we’ve been home, but I just keep picturing snippets of his performance today, and it’s been a great reminder to take a minute, take a step back, let it go and appreciate where we are right now. Healthy, happy, and entertaining!

via dumpaday.com

Irreverent Humor

Published July 23, 2014 by sarcasmica

I don’t know why this formula works, but for me it is a home run every time:

cussing out + a kid = win

I watched Bad Words on the plane from Seattle to Las Vegas, and the lady sitting next to me must’ve sanity-checked me at least three times. It was hilarious. Perhaps since I was not expecting anything from the flick, I was able to snort snot out of my face regularly..? I don’t know, it just worked, and I recommend it to any other sick and twisted, irreverent, open-minded human out there.

Perhaps I am living vicariously through the main character when he unapologetically flings f-bombs at a 10 year old kid as I work through the play doh, gaming, coloring trenches of summer break.

 

from behance.net

Emails

Published July 21, 2014 by sarcasmica

I finally have my “email” button working on my home page! For anyone wishing to subscribe via email, you are just a click away 🙂  Visit my “about” page and select it from the menu at the bottom of the page.

There is probably a much more suave, tech-savvy way to do this, but I am in remedial tech. If I can function this way, you can dumb it down a little momentarily and humor me.

Peace out!

 

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