Vegas, Why Do You Hate Me So?

Published July 13, 2014 by sarcasmica

I suck at gambling. At least that’s what my bank account tells me. I think i’m rather decent, but i just have terrible terrible regrettable luck.

I’m in Vegas riding along on a (very difficult and grueling) business trip for my husband.
*snort*

I tried to make this a fun girl’s weekend, but right up there with my gambling luck is my gathering luck. I’ve never found the knack for planning and encouraging and demanding people gather with me. (parties, trips, bank heists) So i’m flying solo while he is slaving away at the work thing.

The trip actually began really well. I got together with an old friend and had dinner… at the kid’s table at Wolfgang Pucks. I brought the place down in my flip flops, so we were seated in the naughty corner with the sunken booth. I felt duly reprimanded.

The food was aaaaahhhhmazing. I had the best spaghetti & meatballs i’ve ever had. The biggest, juiciest, meatiest balls i’ve ever had in my face.

….

At some point I expect to become a grownup, but not today folks. Not today.

So I had great company, yummy carbs and meat. I was trying not to think about the fact the waitress was rude enough to actually tell me there was veal in the balls. And my pal and I laughed all throughout our meal and caught up. It was FAB! I was reveling in the alcohol, the cursing, and lack of offspring legally and genetically bound to me.

After stuffing our faces, I convinced my non-gambling (and far more intelligent because of it) friend to play a few machines with me. After being groped and ogled by lecherous men, she rallied and managed to make a few bucks on a poker machine. I didnt do too shabby myself. To further my false sense of accomplishment, I also managed to walk away with more than doubling my twenty bucks! A feat rarely accomplished in the past. I went back to our hotel feeling quite smug and optimistic.

Much like my will power and resolve, it disintegrated soon after i stepped through the doors of the first casino the following morning.

Because the hotel we are staying at is gambling-free (what?!!!??!?) I had to actually take a cab to go throw money away. The Wynn was the closest and it was quite beautiful inside. It was my first time there, and my tranquility lasted as long as the first spin on the Wheel of Fortune money-gobbling machine. I am addicted to that bonus spin, y’all. Addicted. I -like most folks in the vicinity – am a sucker for the bonus slot game.

I left that casino $60 lighter and headed to the mall across the street.

For anyone out there not familiar with Sin City, “across the street” is only a figurative description. Because the buildings and properties are so ginormous, it really is still 100 yards from the doors to the street light. Factor in the 105 degree dry blistering heat and it’s a recipe for a mild heart attack for this plus sized heifer.

I attempted to walk around the mall to safely kill time without feeding money into a shredder, but the sheer amount of pagoda jockey sample-wielding nazis was overwhelming. I restocked my Crocs stash and got outta there.

So far i’m 24hrs in, $100+ poorer and 5lbs heavier. We’ll see what the rest of the trip has in store. I believe i’m going to go do some evening pool lounging now and force all the skinny bikini clad, giggling 20-somethings to see what their thirties body could look like.
mwahahahaaaaaaa

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4 comments on “Vegas, Why Do You Hate Me So?

  • Aaaaaaarrrrrrrgh. You write such great posts, and I never get them. Stupid wordpress. I’m filing a complaint in the filing complaint department.
    Don’t gamble anymore, BTW. Although it does make for good blog fodder.

    Like

    • Ugh! I dont know what else i can do from my end 😦
      I wrote, and WP solution was to post a forum so other users could make suggestions. ?!?!? Shouldnt the little people inside the site be more knowledgeable than those on the outside?! What is this, Congress?!

      Like

      • You know what you should do? Change your background thingie. (I don’t expect you to understand, that’s the technical term) cause they all work differently. I’ve tried a few if the “themes” and come back to the one I use cause it just seems to work the best.

        Like

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