Souls and Feelings

I work really hard at being a hard-ass. I try not to have too many feelings, it gets in the way of things. … like pessimism. I have feelings and emotion about very certain areas like my children. This runs the gamut of wonder (really? you can’t flush the toilet after six years of being potty trained?!) frustration (itisnotmyjobtokeeptrackofYOURshoes!) love (of course) and elation (bed time)

This weekend i’ve been running the gauntlet of emotions and i’m not sure quite what to do with them all, so here I am. Writing it out.

I’ll start at the beginning: Halloween. We had a great night. My husband was in town and even participated! He walked with us, joked with the kids, and didn’t check his email from his phone once! (that I saw) We had to drive a bit away from our street since apparently no one here gives out candy. The next subdivision over was awesome. Fog machines, lights, one house had a casket that a scary neighbor popped out of and made my little witch piss her petticoats. We tried hard not to laugh overly much about this. They brought out a giant swimming pool bowl of candy and all was forgiven.

We went up and down a couple of streets until my daughters paper bag nearly busted open. Once home we saw that the kids each scored one full size candy bar. They had no idea why I was so shocked and impressed by this. Next year I think we head to the ‘hood and they can learn to appreciate the wonder of the Holy Grail that is a full size treat on Halloween. Not one single toothbrush or floss!

I let them greedily scarf until they were one wrapper shy of hurling their loot all over their beds. No one argued about stopping, oddly. The next day we hung out and nursed the sugar hangover. My husband had to pack for his trip to visit his mom who has gone into hospice and say goodbye to her. He is an only child, and this is his last living parent. I cannot imagine what that must be like.

So we go to sleep around midnight, then were up at 5 to get ready to head to the airport. Then there was a time change to muck it all up.

I’ll tell you something. I am so sad that I can’t be there with him as he goes through this. I’ve lost one parent, but I had brothers being idiots to distract me slightly from the shock and sadness of it all. My husband is it. No siblings. No other parent.

The thing i’m having a hard time with is who is there to help and be around for him… the ex wife. I don’t write much about this part of my strange and dysfunctional life because let’s face it: it wont get me wife/stepmonster/gracious 2nd wife points. It’s not hard because there are feelings on that side or anything like that. It’s just hard because when you can’t be where you want and need to be for your spouse, the possible last person you want there for them aside from, say, El Diablo, would be the ex wife. IRS, sure. Politician, maybe. Car Salesman, perhaps. Anything but the ex.

But we gotta do what we gotta do and that’s what’s doin’. So I have to put my own selfish feelings aside. I’ve got enough practice with that… some would say I could do with a smidge more, but whatever. So there’s that. That whole messy gumbo of feelings and emotions and expectations and smooshy ‘feels’.

On the other side of the weekend was the sad news that my mom had to put her cat to sleep. Something seemingly passable for a rough day. Something from the outside that’s just ‘unpleasant’. Anyone who’s never had to put an animal down just wont get it – feel free to skip ahead if this applies to you – but when you have an animal that has to be put down in a house containing an eight year old boy who fiercely loves said animal, it gets a bit big in the emotion department. .. particularly at bed time when he doesn’t really want to go to sleep or be alone in the first place. Random scrunched brace-face squeaking and sobbing. Having to explain repeatedly the “But WHYYYYYY did she have to be put to sleep?!” is exhausting. Poor kid. To his credit, he’s had to deal with many a pet and person passing in his brief eight year span on this planet. He’s handling it pretty well, but I worry I am not. I have other things going on and taking over my brain. I’m trying, y’all. I really am.

I just kind of want to crawl under my comforter, put a pillow over my face, turn on my Yes Please (Amy Poehler) audiobook and forget there is a world outside my bedroom door for a little while.

But then who would pour the frosted flakes or wash the dirty chonies? So up I get, pull on the big girl (LITERALLY) panties and move along through my mucky, messy, complicated, deluge of emotion day. … and then there’s the four year old. Oy , don’t get me started! … and the Weight Watcher-ing during all of this – which i am – so off I go now. I’m done spewing all of these emotions which now will be very hard to deny having!