Fitful Hangover

I have a fit hangover today. Emotionally drained after going to bed numb.

MEH. The literal definition of “Meh” is this feeling right here.

It was the kind of evening that made me wonder, “Do other parents have 8 year olds that act this bad?!” I mean, I don’t want to wish this on anyone …. well, perhaps Kimye could benefit from it. But honestly, it’s just awful. The kind of behavior that makes you reflect on how you raised your child. I didn’t notice a barn. I was pretty sure we were always in a house. We did have animals, but nothing wild or feral. I never threatened to eat parts of my kids when they were naughty. We were in Texas for 2 short periods of time, but never was there a Chainsaw Massacre house he was allowed to play in. I have always known all of his friends and he was never anywhere without me. Certainly I would have noticed if any of the parents had horns, a tail, and a fiery home.

So why is he like this?! It can’t be the sensory stuff. Railing and ranting and eye rolling and smartassery has nothing to do with processing your surroundings. I have joked that in checking the kids’ Halloween candy for needles and razors, perhaps we should have sprinkled the goodies in holy water just in case any of them were cursed.

One slipped by and has possessed my child.

I took a “Positive Parenting Class” last year and keep telling myself to binder and organize the materials, which I kept. I’m afraid last night would have just resulted in throwing the thing at my kid.

It was just bad.

And in the middle of it all is my sweet daughter dodging the flying spittle and shrieks of anger and venom.

I would feel like I did a terrible job as a parent, and feel the need to berate myself, but then logic kicks in. I realize, “You did not beat the child, you did not drink yourself to sleep, you did not ‘go out for milk’ and never come back. Actually, you deserve a medal!”

But that doesn’t feel good either.

In the end he lost privileges, Legos, and Halloween candy. (Along with some of my respect and adoration)

But has he learned anything from it?! I doubt it. I don’t want him to feel terrible about himself, I just want him to not ever do that again for as long as he lives. Where’s the seminar for that?!

I have to look at my other kid and see that she doesn’t behave anything like this – barring the habits he has taught her – and assume it’s not solely my failed parenting that has caused him to act in such a way. So what , then?

Today began like any other. He was absent any remorse or acknowledgement for how he behaved.  Clean slate. New beginning. Fresh start…. except I have this grudge I can’t help but hold onto a little bit as I parent him from more of a distance. That makes me sad.

And i’m managing not to eat my way through this stress while my husband is away dealing with his dying mother.

And my keurig mocha has let me down to top it all off. I think I got a bad batch. Now I get to pick up Starbucks on the way to a playdate during which I hope and pray not to bitch and moan through the whole entire thing.

Where’s the buffet when you need it ?!