Holiday Touring

Published November 13, 2014 by sarcasmica

(please forgive the awful auto formatting listing all questions as #1. I am too tired to figure it out and fix it. Besides, if you are a reader of my blog, you have overlooked far more than this.)

My Fairy Blogmother, naptimethoughts, included me in a fantastical amazetacular project. “Project” might be a strong word… “experiment” might fit better. Considering my current state of dishabille and bloodshot eyes, I resemble a lab rat closer than I do a Pinterester or motivated anthing-er.

So hopefully I do this right and don’t embarrass her for including me in the blog tour du jour. Light the fires, kick the tires, and let’s stop burnin’ daylight!!

  1. What are you working on?

A road trip. And sleep. The two do NOT coincide. You know what else is a wrench in these plans?! Illness. Human and pet varieties. My daughter is having a bout of croup at the moment. My husband, not to be outdone, has come home from his trip bereaved and bronchitis-ful. Yup. So we have one barking like a seal but producing nothing but groggy zombie parents, and my husband is coughing up small aliens. Somewhere in between nursing them both (and y’all KNOW who is requiring more work) I have to plan our Thanksgiving road trip extravaganza. …Also, my two suicidal and inappropriate dogs tried committing suicide via fertilizer consumption last weekend and are just now getting back on solid food. Knuckle sandwiches all around!

  1. Explain in detail your usual Thanksgiving, making sure not to leave out family drunks, who sneaks out to smoke pot in the garage, (extra points if it’s you) who does all the work, and whether or not Thanksgiving ends in a fistfight every year. Feel free to lie, we’re not looking for truth here, we’re just looking for a good story. This is, after all, the Holiday Virtual Blog Tour.

“Usual” is not a word that comes to mind when thinking of my family. When I was young it was my favorite holiday because it was the one time of year both of my brothers would come visit my mom and I. They stayed exactly as long as it took to inhale the turkey, scratch stuffing, taters, yams, rolls, pies, sodas, etc etc etc. They would leave as the final flatware hit the bottom of the sink. I would help my mom clean up and watch her try not to show her disappointment in her kids. Me for eating helping after helping after helping, and them for swooping in long enough to suck the bones dry and then disappear. Now, however, it all seems kind of small and ungrand. I want to make traditions fun and festive for my kids, but without much family around, how does one do that? I nominate myself for family drunk! And because pot is legal here I’ll go ahead and nominate myself for the family garage pothead, too. I’m an overachiever like that.  My husband is the power napper. My mom is the baker/cook. My kids are the entertainment and hazard all at the same time.

  1. What are your feelings regarding Thanksgiving as a Holiday? Please take into consideration how, after they kept us alive during our first several winters on this continent, we decimated the Native American peoples and then built up all the land, cut down all the trees, burned all the coal, sent it up into the atmosphere to create a hole in the ozone layer and consumed everything within sight, without care for the people or land we stole.

Because I am sleep deprived and at this point holding my eyelids open only one at a time with one hand and typing painfully slowly, I will say this; We should all celebrate Thanksgiving by forcing every retail store to employ all the bratty teenagers who think they don’t need to participate in family functions, and do nothing to help prepare or clean anyway. As a bonus, the ones who feel like school is a giant waste of time and stress out their parents saying they want to quit/drop out/prostitute themselves/join a boy and or girl band should have to wear the pilgrim hats. No phones will be allowed on the shift and they have to wear period clothing…. but they would get paid time and half. But “time” is equal to all the labor they help with at home, not the current minimum wage. It will be icing on the cake when no one actually shops on the holiday because of the boycott, so the 1 day employees will show up and put out what would surely be minimal effort for no reason whatsoever because there will be no customers.

Maximum planning, minimal effort, zero fruitful outcome and even less appreciation. You are now your own parent. BOOM! Wear a condom and go thank your mom and/or dad for keeping you alive until this point!

Ok, now I get to pass this along to someone hand picked by moi. You have to answer the following questions about the appointed holiday of my choosing, and then forward your own questions and holiday on to your victims bloggers. Happy Touring!!

B. Mary
cheergerm

Holiday: St. Patrick’s Day
1. Do you celebrate this day of leprachauns and everything made-up?

2. If you had a leprechaun, rainbow, and bucket o’ gold what would you do with them?

3. Are you in favor of the leprechaun traps or are they a giant waste of time made up by the Pinterest coven to make all the ‘normal’ drunk-on-green-beer moms feel like gross underachievers?

 

Have fun! Make up your own questions and possibly holiday too, and pass it along!

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