Slovenly Matron

Published January 13, 2015 by sarcasmica

That’s me. At least, that’s how I felt today. It may come as a shock to you all that I am not the classic beauty I portray myself as. Let’s just say if my life were made into an after school special or a Lifetime mini series Kathy Bates might play me.

Drew Barrymore if the movie begins with me as a child, but definitely KBates post wedding and kids.

 

 

 

 

 

So today I had a weird uncomfortable moment. The first, surprisingly, for me. My uniform as a stay at home mom is pretty much yoga pants (that wouldn’t know yoga if a downward dog crawled under them) and t shirts covered up with a sweatshirt, or a sweater, or the occasional purposeful cardigan. And the greatest of my offenses ;  crocs. Yes folks, I wear them. I wear the crap out of them. My most comfy and trusted back-realigning pair are red with Mickey head cutouts.

To my own credit, there are no jibbits in them.

I know these things are social pariah makers, but on days like today, i didn’t give a damn.

My daughter, the 4 year old that spent much of November with croup, brought back that ditty last night. Oh yes. Two months of no coughing was too much. She began that painfully barky nonstop cough around 7:45 – ten minutes after she went to bed.

I sat up with my husband trying to distract ourselves from the noise of it until midnight when I could give her Benadryl after sitting in the steamy bathroom. We emerged from the “sauna” totally withered and melted and less coughy ….. until she lied back down in bed. I do not understand this method completely. Yes it relieved the worst of it (thankfully, because last time it didn’t do Jack Squat) but the minute we leave the bathroom, the coughing just starts right back up!

Anyway, I was up until roughly 1am listening helplessly as my daughter barked her way through half-sleep.

I lived today in that same state – half sleep. Home with the kiddo on day number six trying not to leave the house. By the time I picked up my son from his afterschool club, I was the definition of Schlep.

I schlepped into the classroom in my too short yoga pants I had tried to pull down a bit, my white socks with my red Mickey crocs, and the fuzziest warmest comfiest bulkiest most unflattering grey pullover, zero makeup, and my hair down.

A true vision.

I began feeling uncomfortable by about the third mom. The third pair of jeans with cute booties, the fourth peacoat.

I tried to hide behind a bookshelf and my own false confidence, but I think the other moms saw through it.

One parent actually said hi and introduced herself, which caught me completely off guard. And what do I do when caught off guard? Diarrhea of the mouth, of course! She eventually traded me in for a more aesthetically pleasing conversation which turned out was with my neighbor across the street.

I was so uncomfortable and self conscious at this point, I couldn’t think of the neighbor’s name. I tried to catch her eye to say hello, but she completely avoided me.

Like the full on no-glance-walk-by.

I allowed myself to feel slightly humiliated.

I picked up my kid and walked out of there with my head up and my crocs squeaking because at least I had a damn good reason for looking like this…… for once.

 

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4 comments on “Slovenly Matron

  • I have been giving one of my bro-in-laws who wears Crocs a hard time for years. I think of myself as an open minded chick who believes you should wear what you want. But for some reason, these shoes give me the ‘sheets’. I keep telling him ‘don’t wear them outside the house’. Rest assured, he ignores me and delights in wearing them to this very day. Being the mother of a nighttime asthma sufferer, I am letting you off the hook. For now. 😁

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