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All posts for the month January, 2015

2am Reflections

Published January 14, 2015 by sarcasmica

As I lie here listening to my 4 year old bark her way into 2am I cant help but think, “What kind of parental purgatory is this? What penance am I having to serve and why?!”

Did I do something so egregious as to warrant my daughter to have to deal with croup for the second time in three months, and the third time in her four years on this planet?! What on earth would make us deserve that?!

Mommy’s public bitching blog?!

The Crocs?

Too many lunchables and non-organic produce?

Whatever it is, this is it! We have paid our dues!

As I contemplate whatever irresponsible nonsense I surely did to cause this all to happen, the evening just gets more heinous as I lie awake to the simultaneous coughing of the little one, the grinding snore of the contractually obligated one, and the *delightful* awareness of starting my period.

Shoot me.

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Slovenly Matron

Published January 13, 2015 by sarcasmica

That’s me. At least, that’s how I felt today. It may come as a shock to you all that I am not the classic beauty I portray myself as. Let’s just say if my life were made into an after school special or a Lifetime mini series Kathy Bates might play me.

Drew Barrymore if the movie begins with me as a child, but definitely KBates post wedding and kids.

 

 

 

 

 

So today I had a weird uncomfortable moment. The first, surprisingly, for me. My uniform as a stay at home mom is pretty much yoga pants (that wouldn’t know yoga if a downward dog crawled under them) and t shirts covered up with a sweatshirt, or a sweater, or the occasional purposeful cardigan. And the greatest of my offenses ;  crocs. Yes folks, I wear them. I wear the crap out of them. My most comfy and trusted back-realigning pair are red with Mickey head cutouts.

To my own credit, there are no jibbits in them.

I know these things are social pariah makers, but on days like today, i didn’t give a damn.

My daughter, the 4 year old that spent much of November with croup, brought back that ditty last night. Oh yes. Two months of no coughing was too much. She began that painfully barky nonstop cough around 7:45 – ten minutes after she went to bed.

I sat up with my husband trying to distract ourselves from the noise of it until midnight when I could give her Benadryl after sitting in the steamy bathroom. We emerged from the “sauna” totally withered and melted and less coughy ….. until she lied back down in bed. I do not understand this method completely. Yes it relieved the worst of it (thankfully, because last time it didn’t do Jack Squat) but the minute we leave the bathroom, the coughing just starts right back up!

Anyway, I was up until roughly 1am listening helplessly as my daughter barked her way through half-sleep.

I lived today in that same state – half sleep. Home with the kiddo on day number six trying not to leave the house. By the time I picked up my son from his afterschool club, I was the definition of Schlep.

I schlepped into the classroom in my too short yoga pants I had tried to pull down a bit, my white socks with my red Mickey crocs, and the fuzziest warmest comfiest bulkiest most unflattering grey pullover, zero makeup, and my hair down.

A true vision.

I began feeling uncomfortable by about the third mom. The third pair of jeans with cute booties, the fourth peacoat.

I tried to hide behind a bookshelf and my own false confidence, but I think the other moms saw through it.

One parent actually said hi and introduced herself, which caught me completely off guard. And what do I do when caught off guard? Diarrhea of the mouth, of course! She eventually traded me in for a more aesthetically pleasing conversation which turned out was with my neighbor across the street.

I was so uncomfortable and self conscious at this point, I couldn’t think of the neighbor’s name. I tried to catch her eye to say hello, but she completely avoided me.

Like the full on no-glance-walk-by.

I allowed myself to feel slightly humiliated.

I picked up my kid and walked out of there with my head up and my crocs squeaking because at least I had a damn good reason for looking like this…… for once.

 

Crippled by Passwords

Published January 8, 2015 by sarcasmica

My PC is sick. As in dead. No good. Big hunk of useless wires and buttons.

It seems someone happened upon some nefarious website, like Zulily or Yahoo, and a stealth PC bug was lying in wait to attack.

This has happened before, but not to this extent. It’s amazing to me with all the damned advances, how is it still possible this is a worry for a non-porn surfing, non-black market streaming, purely up and up computer?

Losing my computer has made me realize some things:

1. All that time telling myself I needed to record our account info on an actual piece of paper somewhere is now even more
valid.

2. My husband’s fancy shmancy dual monitor uber machine is useless to me when he has obviously never accessed a
single utility account, therefore saving zero access information.

3. I’m going to have to find actual activities to keep the kids from climbing the walls

4. It seems the computer that is responsible for every single picture ever taken, documents, bills, accounts is simultaneously
superfluous enough to use as the kid’s main source for PBS.com., minecraft, and nickjr

5. I may have to actually CALL to pay a bill in the near future, and speak to a live human being. What a nightmare!

6. Being disorganized, once again, sucks monkey balls.

PMS Strikes Again (I [still] Love Oingo Boingo!)

Published January 3, 2015 by sarcasmica

The brain can be a powerful thing. As a mom, i forget this from time to time because i can no longer rely on it. Funnily enough, i found this began to happen shortly after my son was born… like in the hospital.

Cut to 2 kids and 8 yrs later I am sitting in my room listening to a newly downloaded album. Oingo Boingo.

There were quite a few albums they did, but i purchased Skeletons in the Closet.

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At one point i had a few cds but over time i’ve lost them. As I grew up, I thought I outgrew this music. There has been a mental break in re-buying any because this music is the entire soundtrack to my adolescence. My best friend from my entire childhood died a year and a half ago and i couldnt bring myself to revisit this music until today. After agonizing over which one to buy, I found myself looking forward to revisiting the music.. until i began playing it.

The first song was fine, but when i began humming the intro to the next song before it began, i was hit with a wave of sadness. This music was such a part of every day that i can turn it on after TWENTY YEARS and still know all the lyrics and the order of the songs on the ‘album’. (If i was being truthful to the experience, i would play the tapes instead of a digital song on my iphone.)

I was struck by how amazing the brain can actually be. The recall is jarring. Im listening to this and in my head the background noise of Crystal shifting her karmann ghia and the windows down and the smell of the beach has me very sad for both a childhood and person i am never again to experience.

I need to be able to appreciate and enjoy music like this without immediately becoming sad.

What I CAN appreciate is listening to a song I can select from a program, push a button, and immediately have access to it. Versus the original screenplay:

Load a blank tape into your boom box and wait, sweating with anxiety, for the radio station to play it. You just hope to hit the TWO buttons that allow the recording in time to miss the commercial and still get the entire song. God forbid your mom calls you out of your room, or the phone rings.

This was option #2 second only to recording your friend playing the either radio-recorded, or purchased original on her tape player, and recording from one box to the other.

Then, when playing it back the 12th time, you hear that tell tale squeal of the tape being eaten by your cheap ass pink boom box, and you leap into action. Careful not to tear the impossibly thin cellophane tape, winding it back up trying to avoid any flips in the tape.

If only all my high school classes were recorded and played repeatedly in a car at every event and outing i might be able to now help my 3rd grader with his homework.

Fun facts: Danny Elfman is the lead singer of Oingo Boingo. He has composed movie and TV music ranging from The Simpsons, Desperate Housewives, most Tim Burton Films, and my personal fav- he is the singing voice of Jack Skelington 🙂

Weighing The Options

Published January 1, 2015 by sarcasmica

I’ve been with Weight Watchers this last go around for about three months now. .. just under, actually. I’ve lost about 14lbs as of last week. I’ve only had 1 week where i gained any weight, and that was after our road trip. I gained 2.2lbs that week.

Today, however, I’ve had some set backs. I missed this week’s meeting due to some visitors and snow trips, but I will be back next week. I’m a bit scrrrrrr’d, though. Here is how this morning went:

At the grocery store with the husband picking up some restocking.

*enters store into a table laden with doughnut holes*

shit.

(doughnuts are my mega kryptonite)

*don’t look at them don’t loo -*

“Hey, buy one get one free! Let’s get ’em!”

*husband, caught in a familiar trap begins to panic*

….

I grab a box. Then I grab the second because, hey, it’s free.

Now if someone handed me a grenade, pulled the pin, and then offered a second, i’d decline… but doughnuts?! Absolutely! Load ‘er up!

My husband, knowing a futile exchange when he has been presented with one, wisely asks if I got a kind he likes.

“psshhh, of course!”
(No one wants to be caught with a box of doughnut hole powder covering their torso solo, amiright?)

Now I had a brief conversation with myself in my head where I called myself names, told myself to walk away. Told myself not to put the first one in my hands, but did I listen?

Yes. To my stomach. Not my head.

So now i’m a few days into 2nd helping at dinner, and now doughnut holes.

I fear the Wednesday scale because first and foremost, I have not been tracking or getting outside/inside/rightside/upside for any form of exercise whatsoever. (with the exception of sledding and falling on my ass)

So this week I’m going to focus on every day, every time I eat, track.

Track it.

Track the doughnut holes if you’re going to eat them, stupid! If you put it in your gullet, enter it in the device.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have some sugar to process.

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