Today’s meeting went something like this:
Leader to our morning group of about 35 people: “So what prevented you from reaching your goals this week?”
Leader: “So you had a goal to make it through the Superbowl …”
Me: tearing up … trying not to let it out of my eyeballs … trying to get control of my emotions…”I haven’t had a goal, really..”
crying ensues. In front of a room full of stranger-ish people.
Leader tilts her head sympathetically: “So how can you change that?”
Me …. still trying to gain control while feeling embarrassed and emotional (I do not do public displays of emotion well) “I have no idea.”
I’m not upset I gained weight. (2.8lbs!) The number is simply a reflection of the effort I put in this past week … which was nill. THAT is my problem. I can’t seem to get the oomph back. I can’t seem to care at the moment. I’m letting all the other shit get in my way. I’ve been sick. My son’s recent diagnosis is really getting to me and overwhelming me. It’s hard not to feel responsible for his ADHD. I let him have too much screen time, I didn’t get him active enough, I didn’t … i dind’t … i failed.. i should’ve done more … i coulda shoulda woulda.
I’m letting all of my brain noise get in the way of what I originally promised myself. That I was doing this for myself. I do not want to end up like my father. My father lived his life from his couch. Literally. He wore a giant crater in one side of it. He had a QUADRUPLE BYPASS that lasted five years until he finally succumbed to congestive heart failure because he didn’t care.
I don’t want diabetes. I don’t want open heart surgery. I don’t want to be sick.
But at the same time, my urges and impulses and habits and feelings regarding activity and food haven’t changed. That’s what takes the work and the dedication. That is what ultimately changes my life for myself.
But to do those things without motivation to do them is impossible.
Being positive is not my forte. Positivity isn’t funny. You don’t get the laugh from pointing out the rainbow. Yes, positive people are happy and fun and great to be around, but do they make you laugh? No. It’s more fun to point out the duldrum we have in common. The crappy shit that happens when you least expect it. Laughing together about it makes it normal and acceptable and just feels good.
I’m working on it, though. I am. It’s just a frigging neverending process. It’s taking forever, seemingly.
On the upside of this week:
Superbowl Sunday: We had a spread of all kinds of food from chips and dip to skittles. I normally don’t have a sweet tooth, but it seemed appropriate since we are (somewhat new) Seahawks fans – a must when living in Washington.
I cut up cucumber and carrots so I would have a guilt-free alternative, and you know what? I enjoyed it. I wanted the veggies. I didn’t have many chips at all. I DID, however, have handfuls of skittles and M&Ms.
We had pizza for lunch (twice this week) and hot dogs for dinner that day, but I didn’t have the junk we had for the sides. I did make strides, small as they may be.
Trying to change habits you’ve had for 38 years is not easy. I have been sick, and our lives are chaotic…. (but who’s aren’t, i know) i’m trying to cut myself some slack and just move on, but i’m afraid today might just be a pity party day.
This week the assignment is to find ‘fun’ things you enjoy doing that can be considered activities. Something not involving sitting, I assume. I’m still working on what that might be for myself.