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All posts for the month April, 2015

Just So You Know

Published April 30, 2015 by sarcasmica

Recently I went to a friend’s house to have a MNI. (Moms night IN) She recently had an adorable little baby and is being held hostage by can’t be expected to forgo sleep for booze yet in the form of a Moms Night Out.

We had a great time, lots of laughing and baby holding, but what made me chuckle after was driving home and realizing my husband would be in charge of our kids solo for the first time in a loooong time. Years. My mom, who lives with us, is out of town for a couple of weeks, and we are all realizing what exactly that means.

For me, it means i’m doing laundry and dishes 100%. For my husband it means stories and teeth brushing the ONE night I leave him alone

What I found even more funny was the incredulousness he had at some (what I thought were) common facts. For instance, did you know that children begin begging and/or demanding for toys when they spot them in a store?!!

And depending on the kid’s level(s) of tired/hunger, the volume can get extremely high.

What. The. Fuck?! Who knew?! My husband felt the need to inform our mini brood that they do not, in fact, get toys just for walking into a store!

…. and i’m sure they acted shocked to hear this statement…. at least as shocked as I acted upon hearing this ‘revelation’.

Kids want toys. Fact. Thankfully my husband was there live at the scene to report on this.

Another tidbit I heard about was some phantom rebellion at bed time.

Stopitrightthere, mister.

Yea! Turns out our son, The Brace-ed One, doesn’t voluntarily brush his teeth.

Truth, y’all. Who has ever documented an 8 year old who lies/cheats/cries/flops/bellows when it’s time to brush their teeth?!?!

Lies, lies I tell you!

Last, but certainly not least, it seems as though children want stories to be read at bedtime. As if providing a sperm and an egg. A uterus and a Broadway-lit entrance into this world, isn’t enough for the buggers, they expect literacy and theatrics before nodding off (peacefully and willfully no doubt) into dream land!

I tell you, the whole reenactment was like hieroglyphics to this stay at home mom. I’m just glad there was someone in front of me able to decipher the booger and spit-inked pictures on our walls to enlighten me on the behaviors of our children when only one parent is looking. If only I could have warned him what was lying in wait when he agreed to take them off my hands for two hours.

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Trip Tidbits

Published April 24, 2015 by sarcasmica

There was so much to experience on our vacay that I had to come back and write some more! … that and my kid is next door at a bday party, so rather than socialize with the family, I will sit in my corner and rock – aka write.

My Orlando Vacation Top 10 Best Things:

10. Driving under the Welcome to Disney World sign

9. Renting a stroller

8. Main St. USA

  
7. Watching my daughter meet Elsa, chat with Elsa, laugh, hug, “pic” with Elsa, and then blow right past Anna. I saw Anna expectantly walk up to my kid just to then stick her lip out and tell me her feelings were hurt.
“Don’t you want to come say hi to me?”
“Ummmm … that’s ok.”

poor non-magic Anna. My daughter did reluctantly allow her to converse with her about chocolate milk and hot chocolate, but it gave me the distinct impression that princess has to play second fiddle all. day. long. She deserves a royal box o’ wine

  
(Elsa teaching my kid the fine art of flipping the bird)

6. Pirates of the Caribbean

5. Diagon Alley – that dragon! Wowzers

  
4. Hogwarts in the flesh, so to speak

   

3. Helping the kids pick their wands
my son: Sirius Black’s wand because it had runes
my daughter: Prof McGonagall’s wand because she turns into a cat (and hello, Dame Maggie Smith anyone? She even    translates to the 4 year old crowd, y’all)

2. Butterbeer. Frozen Butterbeer = happiness

1. Butterbeer. So good it got both top spots. (did you think my top 2 would not be food related?!)

Like everyone else on the planet, Harry Potter holds a special place for me. My dad turned me onto those books and even let me read their copy of the first book. I was hooked. I was hooked all the way through up until the last book. In July 2007 when it was released, I had a 13 month old at home and I still made it to the midnight release. My little guy was in a high chair while mommy did some serious intellectual researching – aka reading for leisure

That whole world is beyond transcendence. The fact they were able to bring it to life and let us walk through the streets of Hogsmeade, and actually climb the (very dark) stairs of Hogwarts ??!! Are you kidding me?! Amaze-balls!

  
My small critique on the experience is this; Universal Studios Orlando was very tricky in their planning of these parks. Hogsmeade/Hogwarts are in the original Universal Studios park. You have to have a park-hopper ticket to ride the Hogwarts Express to visit Diagon Alley over in Islands of Adventure. I have no idea how much they plan to add, but other than the awe you feel as you walk up to both parks. The flabergastedness of seeing Hedwig in her cage sitting on Harry’s luggage trolley. The platform you actually get to pass through, the dragon above Gringott’s Bank, the shopping and the oooohing and aaaahhhing, there are only a couple of rides between the two parks.

3.5 rides.

Harry Potter and the Forbidden Journey – no this is not a spin through his puberty changes. This is the ride inside Hogwarts. This ride is a-not chub-friendly. As a rather tall and not slim person, I almost didn’t fit on this ride. Use the test seats to save yourself public humiliation. This is not Disney, and they do discriminate. This ride is NOT for the faint of heart, either. My mom got sick on this ride as you are locked in with feet dangling and a shoulder/chest harness holds you down as the cart takes you forward/backward/backward/around/backward/forward to in-your-face 3-D animation and flying. I liked it, but I was the only one who did.

Gringott’s Bank was the other ride. It was awesome. My 4 year old rode twice and I could have gone on at least two more times. Again, though, use the test seats. Us Big’uns are not their target audience somehow …. i mean, has Universal NOT ever seen a con before? Superfans are def not the most tiny frame-minded gym rats on the planet… just sayin’. Accio Cheeseburger and butterbeer, please.

Dragon Challenge was also a rollercoaster. I did not try to get onto this ride. No one else could go with me, and frankly, I had read reviews that these trains were hard to fit in if you were even a little bigger than the average bear.

Flight of the Hyppogriff was a kiddie coaster, and my daughter did love it. Not exactly a thrill ride, however.

And there ya have it. Everything else is experience-based walk through reproductions, shops, or food related.

Totally worth the trip, though!

Thrills and Chills

Published April 24, 2015 by sarcasmica

I learned a few things on my family vacation to Orlando.

Never evereverever fly into Salt Lake City, UT. Unless you like to simulate terrifying zero gravity jet drops and side to side dips and jerks. Then it’s all ok.

There was a poor woman with her three children in the row across and back one from me sobbing. Her kids, were having a great time screaming and “aaaaah” ing with the other kids on the plane until they noticed their mom with her hand over her mouth and tears streaming down her face from her terror as she was gasping for breath between sobs.

The plane felt like it was being tossed around by giants.

We had to circle for 40 minutes until an attempt could be made to land if and only if the winds shifted. They shifted. They shifted all over and under the wings. We did make it down, but the airport was utter chaos. Most flights were delayed, gates changed, planes re-routed. Cray-zay.

Another tidbit I learned; No matter the hotel you are staying in, always check under the sofa cushions.

Always.

We had our daughter sleep on the sofa – over a sheet – the first night before actually having to assemble the pull out bed. I found a wrinkled, dried up kid’s sock behind one pillow…. no biggie. The following night I pulled the seat cushions off to fish out the hide-a-bed and found black mold looking stuff on the material under the seat cushion. Curious. I reached for the handle to the frame and saw it. A black, smooshed, rotted, squished fully disgusting banana.

This very well could have been left from Planet of the Apes times, it was so old.

And my kid… my dust-allergic, croup-susceptible, four year old slept on top of the moldy pillow that smooshed this once-fruit into annihilation.

Momma was not a happy Mouse.

  
Another valuable lesson learned for me was “fun” takes on different meanings for everyone. I happen to love roller coasters, going fast, the more dips and spins the better. Upside down? Take me! Barrel rolls? Sign me up ! Big huge drops? Strap on the parachute!
My son. My sensory-overloaded, sound-sensitive poor dyspraxic child finds nothing fun or exciting about having his senses bombarded with the noise, the heat, the sweat, the speed, the tracks, the uncharted territory that makes up an amusement park. But like all the other parents at the park, I would force “fun” down my kid’s throat if it was the last thing I did, so help me God! You WILL enjoy yourself, damnit !!

But seriously, have you ever looked around at (in this case) Disney World? It’s all a bunch of adults who can afford to take themselves to Disney finally.  It only took thirty years, a career, and a mortgage loan to get there. Once you finally can afford a Disney vacation, lo and behold, you’ve got children! These children will have to go to said park with you and your wife, of course. Will they like it? Absolutely! They watch Disney/Disney Jr., right? What kid doesn’t want to stand in line for 45 minutes in 90 degree/98% humidity weather to take a picture looking into the sun next to a teenager in a hot, airless costume?!! Come on! It’ll be fun!!

  
These vacations are for the grown ups. Someone threw the ice cream trolleys and churro stands on the park walkways to help bribe the kids through the trip.

So I had to have this conversation with my son after terrifying him, purposely, by forcing him on a kiddie roller coaster:

Scene: You’ve just sold a ride on a small kiddie mini roller coaster for 20 minutes of minecraft iPad time at the hotel later to your sensory-overloaded 8 year old. You both board the ride, sit, slap down the lap bar.

He is already covering his ears before the train leaves the station.

You head up up up the first climb. He is now gritting his teeth. From the first zippy down slope, he is baring his teeth, covering his ears, trying to make his body fold into itself. The first quick turn causes him to emit a scream you haven’t heard since One Direction performed at a girl scout cookie convention. … but not in a happy way. In a terrified “I’m going to shit my pants now” way.

You exit the coaster together and immediately get yelled at by the boy who is unbelievably angry. … rightfully so.

“Oh man, buddy, i’m so sorry that you couldn’t enjoy that. I thought it was so much fun!”

“It was NOT fun, I TOLD YOU I wasn’t going to like it. It was TOO FAST!” (he says with red eyes, both feet stomping on the exit ramp, and steam coming out of his ears and fire from his mouth)

“I’m really disappointed.”  (as a mother, this is the WRONG thing to say, but you can’t stop yourself.)

dejected and sad, he looks at you and simply says, “Disappointed? In me? Why are you disappointed, mom?”

“I’m not disappointed in you. I’m very proud of you for even trying it. I’m just sad that I feel like something so fun for me can’t be shared with you. I feel like we are missing out on an opportunity to really have fun together as a family. To experience this together.”

and then you realize, you have to let it go. You are being an ogre, and you have to let that fantasy go.

This thing you love to do, you rarely get to do, so many people want to but can’t do, you are doing with both of your kids and your husband, but one of the kids simply cannot enjoy it. You have to let the assumption and the ideal go that this will be something amazing and thrilling and bonding. There are moments that are fun. There are a few things he will like, but it’s not the same. It’s one more thing that makes him different than you.

… and then you eat a Mickey ice cream sandwich, and you move on with what is enjoyable.

  
My four year old was the ride champ. She will be my dare devil. There is no ride too scary for her. (that we allowed her to try, that is) She went on Transformers three times. She did Spiderman twice, Gringott’s twice, Pirates, Dumbo, etc etc etc.

She was rarely afraid. Haunted Mansion freaks her out a bit. The roller coaster at Universal her brother lost his mind on started out fun, but once he finished berating me and shouting about how fast it was, she convinced herself she didn’t like it… but in actuality she loved it.

One hilarious experience i’m thankful we shared was the Bilge Rat Barge ride at Islands of Adventure. (Universal) It was the last ride on our last day. It is a white water rafting ride where you sit in a circle and get completely drenched.

My son was like a pig in shit. There was no coaster track. No train. No lap bars, no drops, no clacking coaster noises. Just us, and lots and lots and lots of water.

My daughter hated it. She got the first wall of water on her head and from then on she just kept her head down and didn’t get to see what we were really doing. At the end of the ride I said, “Did you like it?!”  “NOOOO!!! I’m SOAKIN WET!”

But the difference is she was able to get over it instantly.

It was hilarious.

Over all, it was a wonderful trip. I hope to always remember it, and I hope my kids will talk about it and remember it fondly. My son ultimately enjoyed the hotel pool miles more than any of the parks, but as a family experience, it rocked.

  
We only had one night of puking, thank goodness, so all in all it was a raving success!

(as a side note for anyone visiting an amusement park with a challenged kiddo, there are passes available to make this enjoyable for everyone. In my experience Disney and now Universal Studios also offers this pass)

Nearly There

Published April 12, 2015 by sarcasmica

We are in final countdown mode. I have completed getting myself ready by visiting a chiropractor over the last week. The last visit was terrifying. Up until now we’ve just done small minor adjustments … babysteps, if you will. There is an interesting table I lay on that gets pumped up with a hair salon pedal. This is essentially spring reactive or something, because when my back is pushed on, the table absorbs some of the impact by springing down beneath me.

This seems like a great idea until your rubbery jiggly gut prevents it from sticking in the *up* position. He must’ve pressed the table up 3 times just to have it rebound with a resounding *SLAM* right back to it’s original position thanks to my gelatinous jellified midsection. (my friend has assured me this happens to everyone, but I have a feeling she was trying to soothe me)

Anyway, after being clicked and cracked on Friday, he got down to the nitty gritty.

“Ok, now roll onto your side.”  … on this narrow-ass massage table.
*ignore the wobbling fear of collapsing the table*

“Now bend your top leg” as his 5’7 little body holds it in place and grabs my shoulder.
“It’s going to feel like you’re about to fall off the table, but don’t worry. I wont let you.”

you and what crane?

Seriously, all I could picture is a squirrel climbing up a very large sequoia, convincing itself it wont let it fall over. Fat chance…. literally.

So I tried not to laugh when he said “Try to relax” and proceeded to push up my leg, and rotated my shoulder down and tried to realign my spine.

Being the gracious hippopotamus that I am, I grunted like I was heaving a Volkswagen out of my hoo ha.

It was uncomfortable for everyone. Let’s be honest.

I reacted the same way when I was on my stomach, he told me to deeply inhale, relax, drop my shoulders, and on the exhale attempted to shove my upper back into the floor with the help of the springy table.

Water buffaloes are more gracious than me at a chiropractor appointment.

So over the weekend, i’ve been slowly trying to pack for the kids and myself, all while trying to ignore the bruising feeling across my lower back. I sent my husband with a suitcase last week to alleviate some of my load. The problem is that now I can’t fully remember everything I packed already. Looks like we will be ready for an added month of travel since I will (for once) over pack us all.

I’ve also tried to avoid the grocery store at all costs, but that has backfired days before departure.

The children are about to get tossed out the front window. One was on Spring Break last week and as it turns out, despite being a stay at home mom, I am not cut out for being around my own children for 24/7.

Who knew?!

I’m certain it goes both ways. I get on her nerves just as much as she gets on mine….except she doesn’t have to prepare food for me or bathe me or read me bedtime stories.

So here’s to a brief respite from crazy before we embark on an entire vacation of CRAZY.

Chinese Water Torture

Published April 8, 2015 by sarcasmica

For me it takes the form of a mirror. Namely, the mirror you have to sit and stare into as you are bedecked in an awful velcro cape, while having your hair cut.

The lighting is too bright, and that’s about the time I start telling myself I need to wear make up more often…. and a lot of it. And I need lipo just under the first chin… and Damn! Are those bags getting worse?! Could these chairs get any smaller? And since when did everything just jelly over like that? (umm, about puberty, I think)

The only thing keeping me in that chair is the soothing feeling of my wet hair being systematically combed out gently down my shoulders and back.

I would pay for that shit daily if the sight in the mirror wasn’t so uncomfortable.

After the cut, I was offered to be blown dry….. well, who turns that down?

“It’ll cost more”

Ain’t that the truth?

“Go for it.”

That was my relaxation today, folks. No massage, no pedicure, no facial. Just my hair being combed and blow dried all at the hands of a nearly mute hair stylist, godbless’er.

And then the thought occurs to me, “Why haven’t I trained my children to do this for me in the form of ‘Lets play hair salon’?!”

I have seriously missed the boat on training these mini people to be my minions!

mirror pain

Days ‘Til

Published April 7, 2015 by sarcasmica

We are in countdown mode. Well …. I am. My kids aren’t really. Here’s a tip for y’all. When planning a big family vacation, make sure to do it near a holiday so a-you are frazzled for sure, II-you are ensuring your own crazy by not being able to ever fully focus on one event, 3 – once the holiday arrives, the kids nearly forget about the vacation!

So now i’m anticipating it, though still not 100% prepared, and they are not. And i’m at least intelligent enough to keep my mouth shut and enjoy that i’m the only one flopping down on the couch in angst over how many days are still left. I’m not flopping down atop 2 other bodies sighing and moaning and bitching…. i do it enough for all three of us 🙂

But seriously. I’m at the point where i’m about to get over-prepared. I cannot buy one more stitch of clothing for my daughter. I can’t justify it. The rest of us are pretty set. I have been feeling conflicted about wanting to research the park to the nth degree so I know how to utilize our time. .. but I also wanted to be surprised and wonder at all the newness of it in my brain.

Hard to oooh and aaaahh when you’ve researched where to find shade, where to find the bathrooms, which ride to go on at what time of day.

One kid is already on spring break, which isn’t helping my desire for wanting to bust out of these walls on a daily basis. She has hit the 4.5 mark now. I think until about 6 their brains shut down every six months to digest all the changes and growing and mapping that is happening in their little brains. This shows on the outside as possession. Body snatching. Place-switching with “that kid”.

I suppose I have it coming, as i’ve always said what an easy and great kid she is…. and she is … until now. Now she’s the kid that openly defies me in front of people, behind people. She’s sweet one second, then Madam Cranky Pants emerges and craps on the party. She’s started really finding her groove with annoying her brother, who in turn gives it right back.

This is not news, it’s just my recent news. Little Miss Sunshine has become Little Miss Hemorrhoid.

Margaritas help immensely  (a prescription for me, not her)

So I will now go and toil some more over my iPhone lists and iPad playlists for the trip that seems to be never getting here.

Back n Crack

Published April 6, 2015 by sarcasmica

If you have back probs, you might relate to this, if not, i’ll try not to hold it against you out of sheer jealousy.

After 2 visits to my new adventures in Chripracting, I am feeling amazingly better. Fantastically lovely. It has not completely changed my life, but it definitely has made a difference in my every single day life.

Keeping in mind our mattress is overdue for replacement, here’s what i’ve found:

Before crackin’ up:
Get out of bed and shuffle across the carpet slowly with my body at an odd angle to not incite further pain all the while holding my back with my hands – as if that makes any difference? Once I make it to the toilet, hopefully without peeing all over myself, I have to bend vertically straight down while bending at the knees (simultaneously holding my bladder) to be able to reach the toilet lid and lift it, all the while cursing my husband for his need to close each and every toilet seat lid. Then I have to sit and pee at an angle that does not tweak my back, so i’m lopsided while doing my business. I wont even get started on the worst mornings and having to wipe. We are not friends like that. (You’re welcome)  Then I have to make it up, staggering, hands against my lower back as I shuffle to the sink to wash and brush my teeth. Reaching across the sink and down into the sink looks similar to the vertical bend down from the knees while trying to keep my back in the hairline angle that doesn’t set off a spasm.

It’s great fun.

After 2 visits to the chiropractor:
Get out of bed gingerly and stand up. Wait for invisible shoe to drop and reset all the pain …. take the first step and realize I can take the next without having to shuffle.
Breath a sigh of relief.
Reach the toilet lid, bend like a human being and not a stick-operated puppet.
Sit down without twists and turns. Do business without pain and spasms.
(skip TMI part)

Walk to the sink with a relaxed body that is not tense from shooting pains and throbbing aches.
Brush teeth and allow a smile as I realize i’m not starting the day with half of my body contorted in pain.

And the best thing: I can bend down to put on undies, pants, socks, it’s boundless !!

I went to dinner with my husband last Friday and sat in a wooden straight-backed booth. I was reveling in the fact my lower back was not twinging and sparking pain as we scarfed down dinner, with me shifting and sucking air through my teeth as I try to find a comfortable position. I was telling him about my (then) first visit to the crack Doc and my husband said to me, “Are you sure it’s not just in your head?”

ha.  hahaha   hahahahahaaaaa

Yes. I’m sure the pain that radiates at different levels in my back throughout the day being alleviated – no matter how briefly – therefor allowing me to move freely and move and play with my dogs, my kids, my self, is not in fact in my head. .. but it is beginning to move down to my ass !

(see what I did there? … pain in the ass … husband …. pains in the rear!)

Over the weekend, my back began to hurt a little, but this is quite possibly attributed to the springs that are now sticking out of my mattress and into my lower back all night.

Guess who’s movin’ to the middle of the bed?! This pain in the ass.

🙂

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