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All posts for the month May, 2015

Camprehension

Published May 26, 2015 by sarcasmica

I’ve finally done it. I made a reservation for our family to go a’campin’.

In other words, we are about to spend a whole lotta money to be homeless for a weekend.

Maybe the kids will appreciate all the plug in devices after this trip?…… yea right.

I just need to go find a beekeepers outfit. I discovered this past weekend that I have a very annoying reaction to wasp stings. My finger is still swollen and red, angry, and itchy after three days. F*cking nature.

An equal parts brilliant & a-hole wasp decided to build a homestead underneath our porch railing. It’s right beside a particularly pungent hibiscus bush and in the corner of the porch we rarely visit. I was minding my own business on Saturday spraying for weeds over the railing when all of a sudden:  BZZZZZZZZZZZZ !!!!

Instant swarm.

Having only ever been stung by a dead bee, onto which I fell at recess when I was 8, I was not at first certain what was happening. I still thought it was black flies, which I have seen mulling around and pestering us on the porch.

Once I was stung, I squealed like a little girl, let go of the weed jug, and ran.

THEN I realized what it was … sort of. They looked like bees, but there was no stinger. Just an open angry red circle on my finger. I went over to the neighbor who’s husband has removed wasp nests from their property to get some advice.

I washed the sting, and just waited… what else are you supposed to do?! I should have put a poultice on it to absorb the venom, but I didn’t think about that until the next day. After about half an our my lips started feeling puffy and tingly, so I dug up some Benadryl finally.

My son was stung on his shoulder last summer, and after the initial screaming and sobbing and wailing, it was fine. By the next day he was back to playing. (inside)

So the nest was sprayed and knocked down, just to find the last chamber – with all the larvae & queen – was still up underneath the railing. I hose sprayed and poisoned until everything was obliterated. Then refused to do any other yard work.

So here I sit three days later waiting for my finger to fall off. It’s itching like a m-er f-er. It’s puffy from my knuckle up to the first joint. I’ve ibuprofened, after-bite salve’d, benadryl-d, iced… what’s left?! Amputation?!

So yea .. i’m thrilled to be celebrating outdoors for my son’s birthday next month, and then camping in July. I will be the one in a beekeeper outfit dousing everything in peppermint, bug spray, poison, and flames…without an index finger. (weighing the options of cancer vs wasp stings)

Bathroom Birds

Published May 17, 2015 by sarcasmica

(Pre-script) Friday: anxiously trek out to the preschool field trip location only to find the field trip isnt until Monday. So completely blow the opportunity to have the happy child at school on the longest day of the week, which will only be offered 2 more times. End up having a pretty cool time anyway.

It’s been an interesting weekend. For one, the husband was actually home. (Huzzah) He learned putting a new doorknob on can result in the loss of an entire afternoon, and possibly seperation from your spouse. I had no idea when I bought it i’d need a good lawyer as well…possibly the ONLY thing not available in the checkout aisle. 

Lucky for me a 6 pack covered the labor at least. 

(Insert witty joke about child labor and the lack of booze-but copious amounts of drugs-here)

Another discovery was my experience with bird-herding can and did come in handy eons after it was learned. 

I went to pee yesterday and as I flipped on the light to head towards The Head, there was fluttering behind the flimsy shades in my bathroom. It wasnt daddy-longlegs-small….but i really had to pee. As i’m minding my own business, i see a little wing poke through the slats in a semi frantic flutter to escape. The poor thing could only manage a jump, since there wasnt enough room for it to get vertical.

So I climbed into the dry, and very slippery tub to try and save it. All i could imagine was slipping and doing a head dive straight down into the tile… But i had to focus.

I opened the first shutter ever so slowly and scared the bejeezus out of the thing. I had to work hard to stand still and not freak out myself. I was able to slowly approach it with my giant man hands and gently capture it.

Then we looked at each other like, “Now what?!”

See, I was actually intending on getting in the shower when I went into the bathroom and got waylaid by nature, and then the bird.

So there I am standing buck naked in my birthday suit with a bird in my hand (and no, there were none in the bush) trying not to flash the entire suburban neighborhood my extremely underwhelming chesticles.

But at least I didnt have to pee.

I slowly & carefully climbed out of the slippery garden tub, snatched the nearest robe, draped it over my chest, holding it only by the strength of my armpits, and seek out my husband.

“Ummm.. Dear? Look what I found in our bathroom.” 

He was wrangling kids right at that moment, and we all had a gander and pet at the terrified li’l sparrow-esque creature. 

It really was quite beautiful and soft..and terrified. 

At some point my husband realized I was nearly nekkid, and helped situate the robe and belt for me. 

I wish we had taken a picture, but then again, you’re welcome.

So I walked out front and let it go. Thankfully it didnt appear to be damaged. The only casualty was my daughter. She cried for a good while after tweety was set free. We did a whole song and dance about it returning to it’s babies, blah blah blah. 

The other casualty was respect for our cat. I was thankful for her uselessness, but still a smidge let down. She was, afterall, laying on my bed, a mere 10 yards or so from the window. Apparently birds are not in her repertoire. 

The weekend was closed out by a nice 3 ring bout with my spouse regarding second marriage issues that I cannot afford to go into here. Lets just say it was a draw, no one got KO’d and after 13 years together, I am still enlightening him on the reality of what it means to marry someone who had a head start. Sometimes you have to remind each other how fabulous you are to put up with each other.

I hope next weekend is far less educational.

Li’l Bit Bitter

Published May 10, 2015 by sarcasmica

My husband is away this weekend…. bastard.

My kids were so excited yesterday about Mother’s Day. So much that my son told me he’d have a hard time sleeping. I informed him this is direct conflict with the idea of Mother’s Day.

“Sleeeeeep! That’s what I want you to do for me tomorrow. Sleep IN.”

(Saturday morning he was up at 5:45)

“But mom, i have to get up to make your toast!”
“No. Toast doesn’t take long, and i’m happy to wait and come downstairs a little later. More important than my toast is your sleep.”

I couldn’t overstate this fact.

So this Mother’s Day I was woken up by the sounds of my little chef at 6:45. I played “asleep” for about 20 minutes before my bladder forced me out of bed – hello motherhood.  Once the kids heard, they came in with big grins and a card and my peanut butter toast. 🙂  It was great.

And then as I descended down the stairs, everything was back to business as usual. This mother’s day I was given all sorts of things!

I got:

to do dishes
to take the trash & recycling out
to do laundry
to bathe the kids

But really… i’m thankful. I’m thankful I have two healthy children who look forward to that first five minutes of Mother’s Day nearly as much as I do. My son jumped on the bed as I made it and fluffed my pillows with a very proud, “There! I took care of the pillows for you mom.” as my 4 year old daughter came running upstairs with a chocolate chip protein bar. She was not going to be outdone by her 8 year old brother who can actually operate the toaster, “Here mom! I made you breakfast!”

I’ll take a simple breakfast over a kitchen full of pancake batter and milk any day. Nothing was burned. Nothing overflowed. Nothing spilled.

Happy mothers day to ALL the moms today. The biological ones, the adopted ones, the related ones, the step ones, the half ones, the crazy ones, the insane ones, the single ones, the working ones, the stay at home ones, the gone ones, and the strong ones.

And let’s make a pact that Father’s Day will be equally as magical as Mother’s Day was made for us. 

Front Door Do-Over

Published May 9, 2015 by sarcasmica

This was my first home improvement project! I really like how it turned out, so i thought i’d share.

I had a vague idea in my head with certain specific details of what I wanted. I wanted a bold color that stood out, but wasnt completely out of line with our house color.  (dusty blue)

My favorite color is purple, but I couldnt bring myself to actually do that to the neighbors. (There is obviously no HOA. Just faith the neighbors wont be stupid)

My first choice was purple, then lime green, and finally Benjamin Moore Caribe Green. (Kind of a dark aqua)


It should be noted i’ve painted a wall or two, but never a front door, especially not a (poorly) painted front door.


After consulting with a paint pro, i found out no sanding was necessary. (woo hoo!!) Also, i had read removing the door is not advised due to the wood shifting/settling and it never fitting back in the same. Another ‘whew!’ moment.

First thing was removing the kick plate. I had to wood putty the screw holes. I was very proud of this. Later i found though i was told sanding wouldnt be necessary, i regretted not doing it. The paint went over a bit rough. (I also washed the door)


Next I taped up and started the scary process! (My husband was away on business and i did not tell him i was doing this. He’s a photoshop/plan/question/plan/photoshop/paint chip kind of person and i’m very not. 🙂


“What’s with the random taped panel, Sarcasmica?” You will see, my pretties..

The next morning i got to work


My first go at this, I did not paint the actual fram by the door. I was afraid of over-aqua-ing. I knew I could go back later and add, versus painting white over the aqua if I didn’t like it.

At this point (above) Im starting to wonder what the hell i was thinking…then i added my main goal: The Chalkboard!


I originally thought i’d leave a ‘frame’ around it, and also i didnt paint the door/window light inset. After a day of mulling it over, i went back and filled in the ‘frame’ and added paint on the inset of the door & window light. I’m so glad I did it this way, as I was able to visually experience both options.  I like the second one (below) with more color much better than the first – without the frame painted.


NOW im lovin it! The only thing I would do differently is to use a paintbrush for the Rustoleum Chalkboard paint. I used a roller and when it dried, there were little bubbles. I waited 24hrs before “curing” it with the chalk, and now the board is bumpy instead of smooth. (if you zoom in, you might see it looks speckled). I can still go over it with another layer and make it smooth… perhaps next weekend. For now , this DIYer is DONE)

BeforeAfter

And then I kept tweaking it … and kept tweaking. I roped my husband into changing out the door knob – dark brushed metal, and then I added some white lights around my little white birdcage/stand beside the door, along with some bottles…. i don’t really know why. I guess Pinterest gets through by osmosis. Now if I could have it infect my kitchen brain part, i’ll be winning. My next project is painting a cute little decorative chair I found at a thrift store today. … maybe i’ll just do another post instead of updating this one 🙂

door pic

Sleeeeep

Published May 8, 2015 by sarcasmica

Here’s my little reminder to meself: Do NOT take Flonase at night!

I did it once before ans was restless all night. My husband, however, claimed it was not an issue for him. I figured maybe i had some caffeine that night and imagined the whole insomnia/restless ‘sleep’ episode….

I’ve been getting sinus headaches, so decided to take it last night and give it another shot…

….

Here we are at 4am after being awake for 30 minutes. If i could kick myself in my own ass right now, i would. Im afraid it would take a few more chiropractic appointments before i could do that, however.

But seriously! Such a stupid reason not to sleep! Its a sad waste of horizontal dream time !! I have zero useful reason to be awake right now. The worst part is im tired. My eyeballs even feel exhausted, yet here I lie, pooped but unable to sleep. And now its passed the possibility of falling back asleep. Now the lists are running in my brain.

“Whats next for dealing with my son’s school? Why is their communication with home SOOO bad?”

“I wonder what the vet will say about the dog..why is he acting so strange? Should i be preparing for an earthquake/flood/zombie apocolypse?!”

“What’s that noise?”

“Should i go investigate that noise?”

And on and on it goes.

So the next time im weighing a sinus headache during the day, or all night wakefulness i’ll just choose the headache.

Things I Can Learn From My 4 Yr Old

Published May 4, 2015 by sarcasmica

I have a 4 year old daughter, and here’s what she’s taught me:

1. You can fart whenever you want, however loud you want. In fact, the louder, the better! Especially since you are of the female persuasion. You get a lot more credit for it.

2. If you are mad, be mad. Scream, shout, fist-pound, floor flop until EVERYONE understands you are mad…the reason doesnt matter half as much as the volume.

3. Eat. Whatever and whenever. ..except at the table. Nevereverever eat at the table

4. You can never have too many stuffed animals.

5. Revel in your baths. Bubbles are amazing and have healing properties..also, it is possible to perfect the art of bathing and still not getting clean.

6. Everthing has the capacity to be a toy. On our family vacation to Orlando, the kids bickered for three days straight. We went to Logan’s Roadhouse on the third night, and they played with shelled peanuts for an hour and a half and never fought. PEANUTS! Who knew?!

7. There is never too much pink. Patterns do not matter, either.

8. Sparkle.

9. Brothers are good for a few things: Minecraft, Forts, and Super Heroes (my girl’s fave is The Hulk)

10. Bathing suits are just a formality.

IMG_3931

The Keys To The Kingdom

Published May 3, 2015 by sarcasmica

The keys have been handed over to the kids. The husband is out of town for work, and it’s just the 3 Amigos here. It’s a rare sunny gorgeous day in the Pacific North West, and i’m hoping to make the most of it!

a.k.a. Blend a Pina Colada, lock all of us outside, and let the good times roll. Kids fighting? Don’t care. It’s daytime. If any of the neighbors are napping, i’m sorry. My kids are going to be turned loose within the confines of our property, and that’s that. I will not be bothered by bickering. I will not be annoyed by nagging. If I need a minute, I get to go inside the house while they work it out Lord of the Flies style.
(the toys outside are all plastic, so everyone has a fairly safe and even shot at each other)

I might do some gardening, i might not.

I might roll down a newly mown grassy hill … dodging doggie *bombs*, i might not…. i may toss a kid down the grassy possibly poopy hill, i may not… but most likely will

🙂

This is going to be a beautiful spring outside play day while one adult is on duty for upwards of a week. Time to stock the liquor cabinet and my resolve.

Enjoy your Sunday, everyone! Cheers!

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