Ok. I haven’t been keeping up with the weight loss stuff like I should. I HAVE been going to meetings, however.
I feel like i’m crashing a course I continuously forget my homework for. I have been going to meetings because that seems to be the only consistent commitment I can make. I haven’t been tracking. As a result, I am a dyslexic weight watcher. I’m gaining. The weeks I happen to lose, it’s because of my cycle or dumb luck. It’s definitely not because i’m working my ass off and eating kale.
(kale = term for anything at all healthy and grown from the ground)
I think I managed to consume three peaches over the last week… along with Pizza, Red Robin, Starbucks S’Mores Frappuccino, my son’s birthday cupcakes, and about four pina coladas.
But other than that, i’m doing grrrrrreat foodwise!
Seriously, I’m kind of just a mess right now. The good news is that i’ve started paying attention to some of my own shit. I’ve been going to the chiropractor consistently for two months now. I started out 3x/week, and now it’s 2x. It has been a life-changer. Honestly. I’ve had about 16 years dealing with a bad bad lower back. Sciatica, muscle spasms, just complete deterioration of my own capabilities.
Not being able to pick up a laundry basket, or bend down to put on underwear is a real hassle at 38 with 2 kids and your day is supposed to include taking care of a house.
So i’ve managed to get something major fixed there. Go me.
Next up, fixing my brain space. I have gone back to a great counselor I saw a couple years ago. I’ve started again because I have found that I have zero goals for myself. More than that, I don’t care much to set any. I am on a day-to-day sanity preservation course and beyond that, I just could care less. … this seems unhealthy as most people rely on goals to get forward momentum. So I’m working on just finding out what makes me happy right now. I’m hoping it is something that doesn’t involve making lunches, trekking to and from from kid therapy, or folding my husband’s socks.
Go figure. I want my life to be more than my family’s clean clothes.
I used to work. I used to have ambition … a little. Truthfully, i’m just a people pleaser who likes to see where life takes me. I don’t expect that to change. I like being low key, mellow, roll with the punches person. But lately i’m finding my feathers are ruffled far too often, and by smaller and smaller things. I do not wish to be that person.
I’m also finishing up a round of meetings at a parent support group for parents with special needs kids. This label, “Special Needs” is something I’ve always had trouble fitting into. My kid does not have autism. He’s not on a spectrum. We don’t have medical professionals on speed dial. He does not have a day nurse. This term “special needs” is kind of stifling for those of us stuck in the grey areas of challenging kids. I would never want to compare my frustrations and hardships with someone who has to take care of a severely limited autistic kid. I don’t feel like I’m in the same realm as what those patient, strong, exhausted parents must have to go through.
But it isn’t easy, either. The frustration of getting a school to put together an effective IEP for your kid. The annoyance at having to babysit the “team”. The sheer emotional magnitude of having to even realize this stuff. Worrying constantly that his behavior will not only embarrass and ostracize him from peers, but myself as well.
The list goes on and on.
This group has been really a breath of fresh air. Most of the parents have kids with sensory issues. Only a few have kids on the spectrum. We get to hear that other people have to deal with the pressures of this kind of parenting while still managing not to divorce your spouse! The pressure of raising a kid with extra requirements in an environment that is not necessarily always willing to understand or even believe it’s a necessity. The basic need to find a group of people who understand your own chaos and insanity is a relief. They know this planet of constantly balancing needs and requirements with wants and wishes.
Singularly we are always dealing with our out-of-the-box kids who stand out in a classroom or play group because they are different. Always hearing how something extra or special needs to be figured out because no one else in the room is similar makes you start to believe you’re on an island. It’s easy to forget there are others on islands. It’s a relief to send up that smoke signal to see that your neighbor is either a-just as crazy as you are, or b-completely ‘gets’ that you need to know you aren’t alone.
So yea, my tracking and exercise have fallen by the wayside a little, but sometimes the bigger picture takes over. I’m ok with this for now. I’m ok being weak and needing some help. I’m ok with finding other success for now outside my tracking sheet and weight chart.