Letting Go

I wrote a few days ago about being perceived as a villain by my long ago step family. This news was brand new to me as i’ve not had contact with them in 11 years or so. 

I know I need to let it go. I have no control over the situation and forcing myself into it will only make it worse. Now comes the hard part for me in letting it go. I hold onto things for a long time. I hold onto emotional things for a long time. This family was something put on a pedestal and often made much more important than I was, and as a kid I took that to mean they must be really good people. They must be good to garner so much attention and admiration by their mom and my dad.

Turns out that’s not the case, and I need to walk away from the drama and the hurt they insist on perpetuating for themselves.

And I have to let it go.

But there’s this thing called the internet that opens all these windows to where I shouldnt be going. It’s not helpful. It’s nostalgic for me, and it takes me to a place where I have a dad again. Where he’s alive and available on the other end of a phone. 

It’s not real. It’s just really really painful and it serves no purpose, so I have to walk away. 

This feels a lot like saying goodbye, and to leave something messy and angry and misunderstood turns out to be really hard. 

But letting it go is what I have to do for myself and for the people around me who deserve a happy wife and mom. 

So i’m walking away from someone else’s anger and hate and realizing that the responsibility for all of it is their own. The tragedy is how unnecessary it is..but again, they chose that for themself. 

Now I get to work on not looking back. Rear view mirror removal.

I’m trying. Being a grown up is hard sometimes. Being a decent one is even harder. 

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