Spring break is a mixed bag for this stay at home momma. I enjoy lazy mornings ignoring my kids as they fight down the hall from my closed door. No lunches to pack, no schedules to watch. Because of this, I always get caught in the trap of feeling like I need to plan a couple of days so we don’t kill each other can make the most of their time off and our time together.
Stupid mom.
Here’s how it always goes:
Step 1. “Woo hoo! A whole week of FREEEEEEDOM! No school, no lunches, no homework!!” and then I realize i’m actually the mom and not the student, and this actually means more time with both kids.
Step 2. “Shit. What can we do this week?” Scour Red Tricycle for activities, scour the internet for museum calendars.
Step 3. Choose something ‘educational’ or enriching. “They will LOVE this! How fun am I?!”
Step 4. Demand the crying stop after informing the children of the incredibly thoughtful plan that takes them out of the house, away from the games and TV and stuffies.
Step 5. Vow to throw out all electronics and burn them with fire.
Step 6. Calmly ask the cherubs to prepare themselves for evacuating the house for three hours.
Step 7. Yelling.
Step 8. Crying.
Step 9. Wonder why you bother. Constantly perform “what if” math: “If we leave now, we get there ____ and we can be home by ____.”
Step 10. Everyone is now in the car pissed off at everyone else and only one person is practicing calm breathing through red flaming nostrils.
Step 11. Drive. Don’t care where, just get on the f*&^ing road.
Step 12. Arrive after only three wrong turns from the distracted backseat fighting.
Step 13. Enjoy the outing. Take the obligatory pictures. Breathe. Appreciate the fun has begun and everyone is participating.
Step 14. Someone is now hungry/thirsty/has to pee
Step 15. Legs are now hurting, someone is bored, enrichment is over, “Why do I bother?!”
Step 16. Drive home in silence.
Step 17. Arrive, turn on devices, look at the beautiful lying pictures, feel proud of yourself for at least getting them out of the house and possibly absorbing some Vitamin D
Step 18. Realize it’s now dinner time and the next act will soon follow
Step 19. Remember the mantra everyone else seems to like beating into your head,
“This is temporary.”
“Someday you will miss this.”
“Next year they will already be so much bigger.”
“Motherhood is magical.”
Vodka helps all of the things.
Appreciate everyone was able to walk by themselves, free from ailments and disease, no one vomited or crapped in a diaper (yourself included)
Step 20. Do it all again in the summer, times 100, book that camp STAT!
Sarcasmica 