Crapsakes

Published December 2, 2016 by sarcasmica

I have nothing to say.

Scratch that, I have nothing entertaining to say that I dont want shared with people who look me in the eyes on a daily basis. 

I’m smack dab in the middle of familial forty. Nothing overly exciting happens anymore. We have a hamster- ooooh


We have a sick cat, currently. That’s all kinds of thrilling. Medicating her has actually been entertaining for my family audience. If I had filmed the various forms of forced pill digestion i’m sure I could have illicited a half chuckle at the least. (You will be billed for your entertainment before you click on the ‘x’ to escape – err I mean leave – this post)

I am currently preparing for a craft fair. A tiny town craft fair. It’s pornographic in it’s excitement, right?!?


There’s something to be said for an uneventful and consistent life. Lord knows i’ve had a bit of hectic crazy stressful drama. Uneventful just makes for terrible life stories.

My friend and I went to a raucous “Ladies Night” last night…hosted by my chiropractor.

Titilating, no? 

We went and checked in at all the tables to browse the over priced wares. I succumbed to my first LuLaRoe purchase. I expect my bonus delivery of kool aide any day now. They were too cute to pass up.

We did stop in for a make over. Did I mention this was hosted by my chiropractors office? Needless to say Stacy London was nowhere to be found. We did, however, have a wonderful young Millennial with her brand spankin new cosmetology license have a field day with my lack of any self maintenenace. She probably thought I was a plant to test her skills. She tsked me for my passion for hot morning showers in which I wash my hair….

daily

😱😳😖

It’s essentially self-mutilation. The second blow came when I admitted to washing my face for the last 20 years with….

You ready? 

Not horse piss

Not Elf tears, but…….

Bar soap

 

Once she caught her breath, she coached me on all the other habits I must immediately cease. 

Eyeliner. My interpretation: “What the fuck is wrong with you, lady? Did you learn makeup husbandry from the cavemen with the hammer and chisel?! Eyeliner, psssh. Mascara only to open up your eyes!”

What was actually said: “What is your goal?Here’s how to accomplish that…”

“Yes ma’am, so sorry to have offended you with my small defined beady eyes ma’am!” 

All in all it was an eye-opening night

*pause for slow clap*

It was fun to get out with my friend and feel pressure to buy things that were totally unnecessary. Like the $75 box of vitamins. Those vitamins did not contain lipo suction, a yummy pool boy, or Vin Diesel’s sweat so I passed. 

Rookie. 

I did not buy a $225 essential oil kit. My essential oils are maintained in my pores with a strict regimen of potato chips and chocolate.. and  for a minute fraction of the price! Combined with the $30 hair accessory booth, we were happy to leave with most of our bank account still intact. 

And now, because i’m old, im abruptly ending this post because im tired and in need of all the beauty sleep I can find. .. apparently it’s not in my bar soap!

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One comment on “Crapsakes

  • I can relate. Last time I bought makeup, I asked for assistance in getting the right shade from the cosmetic counter lady. I thought she was going to faint when I told her I hadn’t bought any makeup in about 3 years. I as only buying then because I had to give a speech in public.

    Like

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