Switch Flip

Published January 8, 2018 by sarcasmica

I feel like there must be an internal switch that makes us a grown up. An adult switch, if you will. Certain things fiddle with it, getting married, buying a house, kids. Having a baby makes you feel like surely adulthood will automatically flip that switch.

Nope.

In my case, anyway, it just makes you a spastic human being who is never quite sure what is happening. You think you read in a parenting book or on a Facebook post (because thats the same thing, right) that the cure for your baby’s current ______ is most certainly _______.

And then you find out weeks later the original book/article was completely bogus.

You know why? Because the person who wrote it is also a parent who hasn’t been flipped into being an actual adult yet and doesn’t know what the hell is going on.

So what is an “adult”? In my mind, this is it:

Adult- a person who does not live around piles. An upright human who has a completed calendar they can follow without a shadow of a doubt. A mother who knows when her child’s next dentist appointment is. A person who at all times has clean underwear…in a drawer. A person who only wears sweatpants to the actual gym. Driving without the empty tank light on. Someone who can be asked by a stranger, “How are you?” and can give a simple answer like, “I’m well thank you. How are you?”.

None of these things are me, and definitely not today. Driving to my chiropractor appointment in my grown up, but stretchy, clothes I gave myself a pep talk. This poor doctor always gets an earful of gripes and pains and new ailments from me. And not just about me, but the whole family because at some point he has treated each of us.

Not today! I will answer, “Im doing well, thank you. How was your new years?”. I will behave like a responsible grown up today. New plan!

As a reward for my grown up decision out of nowhere I get the thought of wanting to call my dad.

He died in 2001, so that would be just a smidge difficult. So then the waterworks start.

Decidedly NOT grown up behavior.

I’m trying, folks. I swear. Someday I will achieve adulthood. I just hope I’m lucid enough to enjoy it.

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