All posts for the month July, 2018

Holy Shit

Published July 12, 2018 by sarcasmica

So. much. information.

I feel like stay at home moms get a bad rap for mental abilities. Let’s face it, kids dull your pre-kid brain, but fully awaken brain power you never thought you would need.

Example: how many theme show songs must one know? When your toddler is singing one, it becomes immediately apparent how important those lyrics are. We all know “fuckin truck” really means “fire truck”.

Who knew dosing charts and side effects could occupy your day? When you have an infant running a temp, it’s imperative knowledge.

I could go on and on, but frankly right now I do not possess the stamina. Why? Because I have reengaged my pre-kid brain. I have reengaged it like a mutha trucka. Not only am I immersing myself in a language unused for a decade, I am having to actually physically display my use of the language among strangers who are professionals in the field. So. Embarrassing. And im doing this after a night of incremental dreams constantly interrupted with my body waking me up just to remind me im not at home. I cannot sleep the first night away in a hotel and last night was no exception.

In addition to the language, I have driven 4 hours away from my home base to do this in a town I know nothing about and where my childhood friend lived before passing away 5 years ago. I have navigated the hotel info and driving directions (thank God for smart phones!) and lots and lots of solo time.

I have just left the workshop for a lunch break, and y’all…it’s all I can do not to run away! I am so far out of my element I am feeling like a new dad in the diaper aisle. …scratch that, a new dad in the delivery room…watching his wife’s episiotomy while holding his newly circumcised baby.

But I have to go back for another workshop.

I know I can, but using this much concentration on a room full of people over 5 feet tall is seriously exhausting! The classes are 2.5 – 3 hours long with a 5 minute break.

I left the first one for a bathroom break after an hour when the fingerspelling started blending into “bkksfglairyp”

Perhaps it’s the 3 cups of coffee I’ve had in an attempt to awaken and fuel long dead brain cells. Im fairly certain im sweating a mix of caffeine and inferiority.

I have one session left and im wondering if showing up after a few cocktails at lunch will be better or worse for my concentration.

At least the playing field is leveled for my husband who is at home now with both kids while they are on heavy screen restriction.


No seriously, help me.

Tonight I better sleep like a husband.


Wardrobe Woes

Published July 10, 2018 by sarcasmica

I have not worked in ten years. I will soon be attending a workshop for my field in the hopes it will kick start my unused vocabulary and signs. Languages are funny. It turns out if you don’t exercise the vocabulary, it simply goes away and moves into the brain of someone who appreciates it and will use it regularly.

So on the eve of my very brief trip back in time to when I was a functional member of a workforce that gets paid in currency rather than body fluid, I should be stressing about the possibly (and likely) language barrier. Instead I’m freaking out about my wardrobe.

I think it’s just a weird form of denial, actually, but I cannot choose what I’m wearing. Do I go weekend casual with jeans and a t-shirt? It’s going to be 90 degrees and I have no idea how widespread the a/c will be. Do I go professional and wear black from top to bottom as is the interpreter uniform? Again, 90 degrees. … also the last time I wore slacks was at a funeral five years ago. We all know those suckers aren’t making it over the thunder thighs.

Do I represent myself as I am? Grocery shopping yoga pants and a hoodie?

What the hell, man? It’s like my only options are homeless yoga dropout, or failed professional.

I guess I should find something in the middle…. like Moms Night Out attire. Ambiguous. Non committal. .. with makeup and hair.

What have I gotten myself into?! It’s like all the ways I can stand out and announce that I don’t belong are determined to happen.

I know that I can do this, but the question is can I do it in jeans? And what about the shoes?!!


Summer Brain

Published July 3, 2018 by sarcasmica

It has begun.

Summer home with my kiddies. We are in the honeymoon stage now…honeymoon of a doomed relationship, that is. It feels like it’s going according to plan, but it isn’t.

I have established rules, but I’m too brain dead to enforce them. The first 2 weeks of break the kids got up (AFTER 7:30) made-ish their beds and picked up rooms before any fun screen time begins.

So really, I would wake up, stumble to their rooms, see 35% of what was asked actually is done, realize it’s after 8 and no one woke me up with tattling or whining and then let bygones be bygones.

We have actually had a fairly scheduled couple of weeks which has helped immensely. I caught myself in the early July trap of “this isn’t so bad! It’s actually going pretty quickly.” but I know that fades near the beginning of August when things come to a grinding halt until September.

I know my brain is already starting to summer mush because I told my daughter today that I would consider getting her a pet. The residual mom brain is still firing because I gave her a completely impossible stipulation; IF you can keep your room cleaned and dresser top clear, I would consider the tortoise she’s been asking for since she was 5.

It wont happen. She immediately charted out 30 days on a piece of paper. Later at bedtime I was comforted by her littered room.

She has as much shot at the tortoise as I have at the Sports Illustrated cover.

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