I remember the good old brain days when simple things did not overwhelm me. This is no longer the case. I suppose the more shit you pile on top of your inner noggin, the less space there is for more crap…. kind of like my garage. One more teetering box is just asking to fall and dump contents all over the place… aka mommy’s nervous breakdown.
Right now my new job is ending due the school year closing out. This was a perfect dip back into work life. Part time, not a full week and for just three months. Easy peasy. The problem/amazing opportunity now is that I am accepting small assignments outside of my contract to supplement my skills and some income. It’s a wonderful opportunity, but I’m finding that it is taking the form of a very small box set atop a very tall tower of stuff already managed…. it’s teetering, y’all.
I laid awake for many rounds of sleeplessness last night. I convinced myself that I somehow ghost drank a Big Gulp of fully leaded coca cola.
I did not.
I could not stay asleep for anything. Is it hormones? Perhaps. Is it end of the year nonsense and tomfoolery? Maybe. Is it nerves? Likely. Is it the onset of my dementia? Likely.
I woke up this morning feeling overwhelmed at a nebulous calendar being emailed around for assignments to volunteer for. I felt overwhelmed at the realization this is the last day in the classroom with my student. I felt overwhelmed my kids will only be a 7th and 2nd grader for a week an a half more… then they morph into Summer Beasts. That is a whole other level of mania I cannot process at this very moment.
I’m feeling a little bit of a timer panic at the prep I need to do and the jobs I’ve
sacrificed myself offered my skills for.
I allowed a free gig that I participate in once/week take precious prep time away from me last night all for naught. I go to a free nearby city group that gets together once/week to learn and practice ASL. The lady that runs it couldn’t be there, so she asked if I would run the show for the night. I spent an hour putting together activities that these folks would be able to do all to find out 2 people showed up. One of which left after seeing how small the turnout was. It was not a short drive to do this. I am currently putting that fuming rage inside an envelope and sealing it up and chucking it to the back of my mind for now.
Somewhere rolling around inside my head is also the time away from my kids that is a new situation for everyone right when they get home from school. The side jobs get me home later and therefor I have less time to veg with them and less time to motivate myself to get a proper dinner cooked or laundry put away … or washed or picked up off the floor or dried in the same cycle as was washed….
So yea.. scrambled post from a scrambled brain. A brain that is actually really appreciative and thankful for the work opportunities, but at the same time overwhelmed, self-conscious and intimidated, questioning if i can/will/can do the job justice. Also having to stick to writing, recording, communicating a moving calendar of commitments and making all the pieces fit together with the least amount of splash damage to my kids and husband… but still trying to feel empowered and motivated and proud of actually doing all of it.
Holy shit i’m a mess right now! I need a hot shower…. or a beach and a cabana. I’m gonna put the beach and cabana on my vision board just as soon as I can find it.