This is beginning to feel bottomless. Endless. Hard not to panic with how much more time we’ll be home …. with our families.
I love my family. Promise. I do. I even like some of them. But this is pushing my limits as an independent, happy-to-fly-solo for things kinda gal. I go to movies alone. I am happy to sit at a restaurant and dine alone. I like hanging out with me… i’m hilarious!
I’m not insane, from time to time I will consent to another human occupying space with me, but my point is not everyone in a family likes to be connected 24/7. I think more of us than not, actually. Hence the divorce rate rising ( or is that just an internet story? )
I remember being pregnant with my daughter. With my son I was induced early because of preeclampsia, (FYI, this was marked wrong for spelling, but the swap for it was ‘streetlamp’. Go women’s reproductive rights!) so with my daughter I had no idea what to expect. I was huge, it was September in Southern California and we did not have air conditioning…. nowhere near the high stakes of AZ in June with my son, but still. At 38 weeks, I was R.E.A.D.Y.
I entered that state of mind where I started to think I was literally NEVER going to drop the baby. Ever. I would be pregnant with a toddler. I used to watch A Baby Story on TLC to understand scenarios I may find myself in. I remember watching and crying out of jealousy those women actually got to go through labor and here I was, pregnant Hippopregnapus never gonna give birth.
Right now, I’m feeling that state of mind looming. The reality that I may never freely leave my house without worrying for safety, social distancing, “sneeze or covid?”, hand sanitizer madness is never going to not be normal.
I want my kids to leave my house and go play somewhere else. I don’t want other people’s kids coming over and playing at my house, though. Yes, I am that selfish bish.
I want to be able to plan and realistically GO on a vacation. Yes it’s more time with my family secluded somewhere, but hopefully we’d be able to go do activities, restaurants, bars, BARS, booze.
I want to not worry about the women and children home in an abusive house feeling scared and unsafe every day. I want to not worry that kids who have no way of communicating to family members are home and feeling cut off from the world.
We are all in this together, yes, but we’re in it secluded from the “all” in that sentiment.
But most of all, I want my kids back in a school, back in a classroom where they can learn, or at least pretend to learn. I want them to be connected to their networks more than myself. My band kid got to play zero concerts for all the 5am wake ups all year long. My social butterfly daughter is cut off from her outlets. I feel for the seniors who are missing prom and grad night and graduation.
This all just sucks monkey balls, and I really have to try to work hard to feel like someday I will have a reason to put on jeans and a bra again.