Much Too Much

I have had a case of the BLAHS lately. I’m not even really sure it’s from one or two specific things or reasons, it’s just a general mood now. I’ve never been good with change, and lately that’s kind of all there is. Ironically it’s a lot of change during a time when there is supposed to be no change. But every day you wait for a change – hopefully for the better. (Covid numbers changing, up down up down. Lockdown open, not open, reduced capacity, businesses not following orders. Travel guidelines , etc)

So our state is beginning to open up little by little and the schools are next. My daughter went back today for the first time in person. She wanted to, then she didn’t, then she did, then she didn’t, lather rinse repeat. I have many emotions tied to this, and they all deal with health concerns, but you know what’s at the top? Her mental health. My wish and push for her to get back a little bit of the life she LOVED pre-covid.

Life will sadly never be the same it was before Covid, but I feel like we have all lost so much (relationships, motivations, passions, hobbies, family) that just a little bit is all we really need right now.

I know that Covid has not gone away. I know that there are more dangerous strains out there, but I have to weigh my worry with my hope. I have to weigh the outcome for my 10 year old who has lost all of her local friends due to different opinions on what common sense should look like right now. She has one friend that we have allowed her to share air with, in that she can go to this one best friend’s house. She has not had a sleepover yet, and the kids in the neighborhood whose families have not adhered to any of the Covid standards since the get-go are a no-go. (into the house)

That impact has made a difference to my kid. The fact that she has to police her own friends, “No hugs, guys” and “No, sorry, I can’t go into your house.” (repeatedly) and wrestle with the consequences of seeing that people she held in high regard now have diminishing respect for .. this has an affect on kids.

Have we been locked down this whole time? No. Have we made risks and weighed consequences, yes. Have we done what our family needed to do? Yes. Have we still been careful while tiptoeing out and doing things? YES.

I’m also looking at going back onto campus myself next week. I am looking forward to it, but I’m also trepidatious about it. I’ll tell you what, it will be much easier for my daughter when she’s at school and I’m at work. The most guilt I have is that she has been online learning this whole time with no witnesses in person. I work, her dad works, her brother is online too. It’s lonely being a 10 year old managing your own education. But what can we do? I’ve tried to acknowledge – at the very least – that she’s done this and managed really well. I think part of me is reliving my own lonely childhood and knowing exactly what it feels like and disappointed despite my best efforts, my kid is experiencing it anyway.

So yea, I’m having all kinds of feelings and feelings and I don’t mix well. I don’t like them much. They tend not to follow my own expectations for them, and they wander off all the damn time. They live adjacent to my last nerve.

I’m feeling like things are never going to get better, i’m feeling completely fed up and tired of Covid life. I’m also feeling tired of my own bad decisions. It’s a cycle, though. There are things i’m supposed to be doing for my own health, but because of my general mood, I just don’t give 2 craps that i’m eating potato chips instead of an apple. And then there’s guilt that I made the food choices that I did, so I feel bad.

And you know how much I move in a day? At this point I think the slugs are lapping me. The sloths are only barely ahead of me. And I don’t care. I know what it’s doing to me and it’s just not the care i’m accepting on any given day. I’m caring about my kids, i’m caring about my family, and my pets. I’m caring about my co-workers and my student, but my self is right now on the back burner. I have stacked up so many “don’t cares” about myself that if I started to deal with it now, it’s all of my brain space.

So instead, I sit and eat something that makes me temporarily content and I watch something that makes me crack a smile. That’s all I can do. And then the feelings start running roughshod over my mood and I start feeling terrible about myself because of all the decisions I’ve made on any given day.

So yea… I have an appointment with my therapist, but it doesn’t change how I’m feeling right this moment. I need a Disneyland trip. Give me the stress of standing in a line, getting to a ride in time for the fast pass, my kid having to pee 30 minutes into a 1 hour line for Dumbo. Give me the mental stress of an overtired kid having the gall to complain while standing in the middle of Disneyland because she is tired and over-stimulated and I wont buy her a 12ft Stitch stuffy. Give me the stress of going over budget because I know this is not an experience that comes along every day or year. All of these stresses and worries I can handle. I KNOW how to cope with them and I know what it takes to fix them.

This current shit we are dealing with is all too unknown. It’s all too unstable. No one knows what the end looks like, or what it looks like and how we know when it’s all done. The vaccinations aren’t the end game. It just continues from there. School openings aren’t even the end game. We don’t know when it’s actually going to be over – or IF. These things are stressful AF.

Until we are through it, I just keep repeating the things I’m thankful for:
My family is together.
My husband and I did not crumble under the pressures of Covid life
My family is healthy
We have running water and power
We have our jobs
We have our house
We have food in our house and what we run out of, we can replace
We have alcohol
We live in a Pot-Legal state
I do not need a ventilator to breathe.