Checking In

I have not written in quite a while so I wanted to come back and do that. … but I don’t have much to say. I have a lot to say, but I also have nothing. So much has changed in the world, so much has happened to everyone just in general. Like where would I even begin?

So I just don’t begin. I allow myself to be distracted by other passive things. Things I don’t have to think about. Things I get to just enjoy and be “in”. Things that don’t expect anything from me.

I am finding the more and more we get back to a somewhat normal life again after Covid, I have less tolerance for Need. I don’t know what that is, I think I’m so good at being alone, being independent, being isolated that the minute someone needs something from me, I’m immediately depleted.

It’s not a great tendency since my job relies solely on communicating for/with someone else.

Perhaps that adds to it. I don’t mind it as a job, but in “my time” it’s a trigger. My 10 year old needing me to make her a sandwich is a bother.

But it’s not. It’s only a bother when I offered her one, she declined, I offered one to my son who accepted (teenagers, amiright?) and then 5 minutes later she is pissed I didn’t give her one. And now she expects me to make it right for her. Uhhhh, no. That’s not how this works, child. When one is distracted by the youtube video and said person answers a question with an automatic, “No thanks”, the NO of the THANKS is heeded.

At least she was polite … ??? Until she wasn’t.

See? Not exactly fit for writing an epic post right now. Just random thoughts, mundane actions. This is my life. When I’m not planning a nap or a snack, this is my life. Trying not to be annoyed at the NEED and the demands around me. Shouldn’t we all be through the Covid brain by now? It’s still not normal to look around and see a sea of masked faces, but it’s been going on for over a year now.

I guess I’m not fully adjusted, but then again I never was! Why start now? I’m still waiting and hoping for the masks to go away, for distancing to go away … with the exception of creepos. They can stay away forevah. But I want my kids back in school 5 days a week – still. I still want to be able to plan a vacation. I want my son to play in band and to go see him play. I want my daughter to go to swim lessons and plan summer camp. I am still not able to not think about Covid and it’s exhausting.

Fucking virus. Stupid pandemic!!

I have put on the Covid 10 (+++) and it’s a constant loop in my mind of :

12am: Why am I not asleep? Why did I eat __ ___ ____ today? Tomorrow I start not sugar and no carbs. And walking! I need to get back to walking. I probably already have diabetes, but maybe not? I can DOOO this!
12:15am: I need to turn off TikTok and go to sleep

6am: ALARM
6:01am: F*ck. I need coffee and all the creamer. (sugar) Why am I so tired? I need to walk today. Today will be the day!
6:30am: Teenager is set for school, I need breakfast. Toast and eggs or cereal and toast? (carbs)

7:45am: All kids on buses and/or at school. HUZZAH!! Why am I so tired?! Starbucks before work, that’ll get the engine going. (sugar)

9am: OmG. Dragging. Need nap. Maybe a walk on my break will liven me up.

(Break): Quick snack (sugar/carb/or cheese) in car and TikTok will make me laugh and lighten the mood.

Lunch: Maybe I can squeeze in a power nap after I walk around the parking lot…. better not walk, need time to consume all the foods. (carbs)

3:45pm: Home from work, time to get that nap i’ve been planning all day. WOO HOO!

4:30pm: I should snack (carb) before making dinner.

5pm: Cook dinner and think how many carbs are in this meal… I can still walk later, there’s time.

6:30pm: Dinner is cleared and there’s time to walk, but kids have been sucking brain power from me the time I was awake during the evening. Better just to watch TV and be entertained… hey at least we’ll all be together laughing.

9pm: Is it midnight?! Damn. Better get a snack (sugar) so I can stay away until 10.

10pm: AAAAhhhhh my own room, no one asking questions or arguing or demanding anything from me. Just me and the TikketyTok.

11:30pm: HOLY SHIT! How did it get so late?!! I need to go to bed!! Why am I feeling so shitty? I didn’t walk or ride the stationary bike today, I suck.

Rinse, repeat.

Anyone else? Just me??? Ok. No, i’m fine. It’s all good, i’m fine. I’m fine.

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