Accidentally Boujie


I heard a joke a while back from a comedian that when they were little, the family couldn’t afford for them to be asthmatic or lactose intolerant. I cannot pretend this isn’t true for me.

I recently had my food allergies tested and found that I am ✨sensitive✨ to most of the foods I ate. How bad could it be? Was I going to die from a sudden peanut allergy? No. No, it was much more gradual than that. Also, its not as simple as “if I had a sensitivity to this, why was I able to eat it all my life?”

Surprise! If you have a sensitivity to a food and continue to eat it, the reaction gets more dramatic over time.

My diet before consisted of:

Am- eggs with cheese and some sort of accompaniment.

Snack- carb

Lunch- carb food with cheese and possibly baked treat

Pm snack- carb or milk and cereal

Dinner – meat, side and bread

Most of the time I was eating bread with peanut butter, eggs, breaded meat, and more bread and cheese.

I would get random small but angry, incredibly itchy rashes in random spots on my body. I thought it was from some environmental accidental contact. I also had terrible reflux. Like singeing burning torso, stomach acid in my throat, terrible pain all the time seemingly no matter what I ate and I felt like the stay puffed marshmallow man most of the time. Just a maxed out beach ball.

Now I’m the pain in the ass asking for gluten-free, cheese less, oat free and peanut free foods. So what the hell do i eat now?!

The souls of my enemies for starters followed up with the tears of naughty children.

I’ve embraced egg whites. aka “sad morning clouds”. I try to pack them with peppers and green salsa to make them have flavor and start my day with a shred of satisfaction.

For snacking i’ve been forced to choose a naturally grown fruit or vegetable. It seems Starbucks does not contain any of these things. Carrots shaped like chips take away the sting of adulting and if i want to be crazy, I’ll have nuts of some kind- but not peanuts or almonds. I am suspicious of a few non-tested nuts like pistachios and macadamia. I have to draw the line somewhere, though. This is my rebel side.

For lunch i’ve learned that I don’t have to have a 3 course meal. If I have a caffeinated beverage with my salami, potato chips, veggie sticks and apple, I dont want to murder anyone immediately after my lunch break. Its all about accessorizing, right?

Dinner is still usually half carbs, but the fates smiled on me when my test came back with no issues with potatoes or rice. My pre-diabetes would have me choose differently, but my mental health tells me its ok. Listen to your bodies, people.

For the most part i’ve stopped most of my evening snacking. If I watch Squid Game, I dont have an appetite anyway. If I watch Ted Lasso, im crunching on some veggie chips or fruit.

The hardest has been breakfast. I love my am carbs with eggs. Pancakes, toast, runny yolk egg over hashbrowns…I cant even slum it with oatmeal or cereal. (No oats or almonds, either)

Today I broke my brain a little with a recipe I found on Pinterest. Its the boujie version of “hold my beer”. “I saw it on Pinterest”. Its like the war cry of modern parents. Quinoa hot cereal. Its an oatmeal replacement. The problem is you have to plan ahead and soak it the night before. My adhd brain is morally opposed to planning, so it took me a good month before I could “plan” such a feat.

After making it and explaining to my 11year old what I was eating- and why- she said, “It looks like frog eggs.” I have to admit that did not, surprisingly, fire me up to dig in. Honestly, it wasnt bad. I had a small amount and felt completely overfull even though I still had half of it in the pot.

My stomach was growling by 10:30am which does not happen with eggs and bacon, but such is my new boring adult diet.

All in all dropping 19lbs in the last 2 months has been a great bonus. The only exercise has been stress, and parenting a teenager and preteen. If I actually paired this new life with movement and a proper sleep schedule, I could rule the world!

But for now, i’m just trying to register for community college. Baby steps.

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