All posts tagged halloween

August Mom Again

Published November 2, 2017 by sarcasmica

Hello again, it’s me. Your friendly conscious neighborhood August mom. I was staring at my computer screen wanting to get so much off my chest, but then I realized I just want a second cup of coffee instead.

November kicks my ass every year. Every. F-ing. Year.

I love Halloween. Love it. It’s my fave for those millennial readers 🙂 After it’s all over, I always get a little blue. I procrastinate taking down the decorations. I make a mental note of the neighbors that are cleared out and cleaned up by November 1st.

There is so much prep that happens leading up to Halloween, y’all, my brain is just scrambled eggs by the time it’s over. I’m always left thinking, “Really?! That’s it?! It’s done for another year ?!!”

Think about it.. back to school, parent/teacher conferences, all the fucking communication – or lack thereof – between teachers and myself, my daughter’s birthday, then my birthday, then BAM! Halloween.

And then it’s November and i’m looking at Christmas decorations at the pharmacy. November is my husband’s birthday and Thanksgiving, and before I know it it’s anniversary time and then Christmas. Getting older just means less prep and organization between shit. It’s all, ‘Really? Already?’ while everyone around you is holding a calendar wondering what your malfunction is.

This year my son decided to mature. He decided to do this not with a job or paying rent, but by going trick or treating with new friends in our new neighborhood. They warn you this will happen. They warn you when you least expect it, your kids grow up. They don’t warn you it will happen in the form of ditching mom on her favorite holiday to go ring doorbells and take candy!

Ok, i’m calm. Sorry. I am so proud of my anxious, worried, safety-minded, cautious boy for going out and conquering the neighborhood dressed as a psychotic murderous animatronic  bunny. But why couldn’t he warn me last year that it would be the last family trick or treating year?

He is my oldest and he’s (finally) growing up. He actually commented while doing homework last night – which, by the way, has been meltdown free all year!!! – that he cares about his work and he wants to get good grades.

Huh?! Where is my child?! What the fuck is happening right now?!

All of this is happening while we are having minor construction done on the house. We are adding a deck to our nonexistent back yard. I’m supposed to be keeping track of shit like schedules and ordering crap I know nothing about when I can’t even manage a home cooked meal for my family every night. Every day is a magic trick of turning my seemingly empty pantry and fridge into not one, not two, but three meals for my kids! Somehow there is food in their lunchboxes that does not get a note home from CPS for me every day. And it’s not because I don’t go to the grocery store. I’m there all the time! But still we never seem to have one important ingredient each day.

I am not an organized person. I am an August Mom. I am getting by. I am dealing and managing, but just barely. I’m one missed cup of coffee away from a mental break down at all times, it seems. My husband, who has been working very hard lately coincidentally, and I had a fight last night about fucking deck lights. Deck lights! Why can’t we fight about who loves who more, or who wants to have more sex? Or why do you spend money on all of these gifts for me? Why waste that brain energy on fucking deck lighting?!



To The Hallowieners

Published November 1, 2015 by sarcasmica

Last Halloween was great. We managed to get out, get loads of candy, and get back without much drizzle or rain. Our poor neighbors had a temporarily lost kid scenario which I do not envy (no matter how many whining complaining blog entries i’ve done) but they came away from their nearly identical outing with a crazy story about “The Chainsaw House”.

Now we had gone to a home that had a coffin out front, and a guy popped out of it. My daughter was 4 at the time and wasn’t a fan. They chuckled and offered her extra ‘get over it’ candy.

I had assumed this was the house where the chainsaw incident must’ve happened because frankly, no one else was scaring around here.

All year the kids would bring up “The Chainsaw Guy” or “The Chainsaw House” so we were prepared for the possibility. First street down, umbrellas out, half soaked shoes in the constant drizzle/light rain, we ventured over to “That Street”. My daughter was glued to me most of the walk, and my son was mysteriously lingering behind a bit. Apparently their police officer and SWAT costumes were not providing any additional chutzpah.

We see the house. No obvious sounds to me, though. They had giant over-sized head stones in their yard and a fog machine. Cooooool. My daughter was not going for it, though. I walked up with my son. Nothing at all was jumping, popping, or leaping out at us. All was safe. My daughter creeped up with her dad urging her on. We made it aaaall the way up to the porch. I saw the coffin, but they had something on top of it. Seemingly impossible to have anything come out. There was a big stuffed pumpkin head scarecrow type dude in a chair beside the door. My daughter was doing her hysterical “Ooohhh, hahahahaha!” laugh to cover her fear. My son, now with his chest puffed out at his bravery, steps up to the porch, reaches for the doorbell when out from the dark side of the house a roaring chainsaw comes at us. The flannel-clad asswipe wielding it is laughing as my 5 year old scrEEEEams, turns, manages not to fall down the step, and runs. My 9 year old was just a blur in my peripheral, honestly. I was concentrating on my daughter not leaving a pile of poo on their porch…. which, in hindsight, I kinda wish she had.

There was a woman dressed as old lady holding the candy bowl at the front door and she was quite amused with the whole scene. I guess my daughter standing on the porch angrily wailing and crying was precious. They eventually talked my kids down from the ledge, lured them back to the front door with chuckles and “It’s just Halloween, sweetie.” explanations. We get ready to choose our very well-deserved candy when the pumpkin headed scarecrow stands up in front of me.

I squealed. My daughter jumped. And we kind of laughed. My little cop was M-A-D. Pumpkin head took the head off, stuck his hand out and tried to coach my kids with “It’s all just for fun, honey. It’s Halloween!” and left that pathetic limp excuse for Halloween fun flop on their own front porch.

My recollection of what happened at that house is pitifully fuzzy based on my own shock, my kids’ terror, and fury. I wish I could say that my reaction to both parties out for preschool blood was to punch them all in the throat. Sadly, I was only slightly less terrified than my children. Kids do that for you. Force you to fake less fear just to prove these things don’t kill you like their little brains try so hard to convince them they will.

These chuckle heads actually had more in store at their house which we did not partake in. They had a haunted house maze type thing set up in their garage. I can only imagine the festive family fun scenes they had in store. Does Pinhead come at you with a blow torch? Does Freddy only get you with butter knives instead of razors?

Like seriously. I am probably one of the bigger fans of Halloween around here. We are by far the most obnoxious with the yard decorations. However, let’s not get the trick or treating antics twisted. Families are what live around here, mostly with elementary aged kids. I’m all for going out on a limb in the name of the holiday, but for godssakes, keep it age appropriate! Hold off on the chainsaw wielding serial killers until 8:30, okay? How about we not create PTSD patients in the name of a fun size candy bar? Every single house – and there weren’t many – after that scene my daughter had to be coaxed and prodded to walk past a wet cotton spider web for fear some terrible thing would jump out and try to kill her.

She’s 5!

One house had nothing more than spider webs and a fuzzy spider, and she was nearly brought back to tears.

The neighbors of these quacks did not seem any more impressed with what was happening than we were. There were a lot of understanding head nods and pursed-lip head shakes.

My husband had a great plan for next year. He’s going to dress up like a thug complete with brass knuckles. When the yahoo that will inevitably jump out does, he’s going to cold-cock them. “Hey, it’s all in the name of fun, guys. It’s Halloween!”

I wont even go into the impact this could have had on my sensory-challenged kiddo. I was so proud and surprised by how quickly he recovered. Who says meds are a bad choice?!

I will admit as we were going to the car, we got to see the appropriate-aged children get theirs at the Chainsaw House. A gaggle of teenagers were walking up to the door loudly announcing how unscared they were. We watched the serial killer trot through the dark to hide behind a giant bush at the exit of the circular drive. As the kids were chuckling their way away from the property with superiority, he scared the piss right out of ’em. Now THAT is an appropriate use of a Halloween chainsaw gag. It’s far more challenging to impress fear on teenagers than a 5 and 9 year old.

Here’s hoping your Halloweens did not end up with a prescription of Xanax for your pre-Kindergartners!!

The Blahs

Published September 26, 2015 by sarcasmica

I can’t help but think how I had some kind of opportunity with so much traffic to my blog, but other than people just reading what I had to say, what more is there?

So the first non-soapbox, non-meaningful purpose post is bound to be kind of a flop. At least i’m calling it out early.

Today is my last day as a 38 year old. I’m actually not at all freaked out by turning 39 tomorrow. If I dwell too long, I can start to feel panicky that it’s the last year of my 30’s, but I try not to do that…. i only go there when my son is talking “Minecraft” or my daughter is on the 87th detail of the tea party, or my husband starts talking about a budget.

Other than that, I avoid that thought. So for 23 minutes of my day, i’m free of panic. Silver lining.

It has become tradition for me to decorate the house on my birthday weekend for Halloween. I figure if people can put up Christmas decorations before Thanksgiving, I’m cool for a month+ of Halloween spirit. Its has to be worth the effort it takes to unpack it all, unwind all the lights, plug in all the plugs, dust off all the unintended spider webs, etc etc.

Who knows, maybe this year I’ll actually have a plan for it all and not just toss it up willy nilly!

Happy nearly Halloween  everyone! Put up those witches and spiders and enjoy the fruits of your labor 🙂


(Not actually my house)

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