To Pill or Not To Pill

That is my question.

I’ve been procrastinating a dangerous thing. I’m in some kind of denial about my health right now. Entirely because i’m disgusted with myself. A little over 2 years ago i joined Weight Watchers. It took a year to lost 40lbs. I told myself it took that long because i was making life changes, it takes XXX amount of time to put on the weight, so it takes even longer to take it off, blah blah blah blah.

I was proud of my accomplishment. I did it through a state move, a new area and a little stress. Cut to a year after losing, another state move, and a whole lot of home stress and now i’ve managed to gain back nearly all. of. it.

So disappointed in myself.

The reason for going was because my father died pretty young and I was not going to do that to my kids. I was 25 when he died. He did it to himself with his diet and lack of any self respect for what he put in his body.

Well, excuses aside, here i am. Now having possible blood pressure headaches. I only know what this is from my high BP while pregnant.

I keep telling myself i will get out and walk again and i’ll lose the weight again and i wont need the medicine. The medicine my husband is on and has been on for the last 3+ years.

So over the last 2 weeks, i’ve had my BP taken 2 different times at 2 different locations 2 different times of the day and it’s high. Unhealthy-high. So now i’m going this afternoon to talk to the doctor.

It’s like admitting failure.

As if being fat isn’t embarrassing enough. I now have to go on medication to keep myself alive while i get my ass back in “shape”… and not the shape of a rubber ball. More like a pear. Who knew it could get so bad I would hope for a pear shape?!

I used to see big momma’s and think, “How could she let herself get like that?! She’s an example!”

And here i sit. On my large ass. Writing in a blog instead of walking around or up the stairs, or doing anything else.

But the kid is asleep. Finally. After being awake since 2:45 this morning. I along side her. I’m tired, i’m cranky and i do NOT want to risk waking her up after waiting so long for her to get some rest.

And here are the excuses.

My husband has agreed to put a treadmill in the house. The plan is to get it next weekend. I WILL use it.

And, like, for walking. Not for drying clothes, or hanging purses.

I WILL USE IT.

Moreso than the yoga ball.

I don’t want to be that fat parent. At the most basic of reasons health aside, example aside, i remember always being ashamed of my dad as a kid… hell, even a teen and young adult. He was SO big. Everything about him, really. Big belly, big voice, big opinion, big beard.

I don’t want to be an embarrassment for my kids. I want to take them to Disneyland and not worry about fitting on the rides with them. Having the bar not come anywhere near their laps because my own prevents it… and somehow they still let the parents on with the kids..

?!

So yes. This is a kind of serious post today because i’m seriously disappointed and a little scared for myself. If i get told today that at 36 i have to take blood pressure medicine to prevent a stroke because i was too careless to take care of my damned self, then so be it. I will use it as incentive to get off the medication.

I hate taking medicine. I hate even more relying on a pill to function in daily life.

But apparently i love doughnuts more.

I will allow one corner of my brain to tell myself that stress is a big factor in this as well. I was told by the last person who took my blood pressure that i need to be careful and find ways to minimize my stress.

I wonder if i can find a little studio apartment nearby my family ?!

🙂