All posts for the month October, 2013

House Pain

Published October 30, 2013 by sarcasmica

House Hunting:
It’s not at all what Pinterest and ‘House Hunters’ sets it up to be. It’s frigging exhausting!
do we/dont we
what do we absolutely need?
we do NOT need THAT, but we need that
the backyard is where?
the view is of what?!
we need/we want
it costs HOW MUCH?!

and the big one: “is this it?”

Shoot me.
Are we blessed to be able to buy? yes. am i thankful? im too scared too be thankful. i’ll be thankful if we close on something.

And to add to the fun, our little one gets dragged everywhere with us because its a family decision. (sort of) The pinnacle of the experience so far is having a relatively newly potty trained girl with us who announces loudly at our dream house, ” i have to go potty! ihavetogopottyihavetogopotty!!!!”
I shrug and get permission to take her and “check the flush”
Y’all, this girl ruined that nice bathroom! She left a crime scene in that toilet
I ask, “Do you have to go pee or poop?”
“pee…    … AND poop!” (big smile)
“Ok, thank you for telling me you needed to go”
she sits… and then fires away like a trucker with Montezuma’s revenge
i looked at her trying not to look horrified
“Wow, honey, you Really needed to go”

ohmygodohmygod please dont let the owners walk upstairs right now

from the hallway: “mom! … Mom! .. MOoOOOM!”
my 7yr old is running around
“im in here, what do you need?”
he calls from the master bathroom down the hall again
“where are you?!”
I whisper-yell “Im in the bathroom with your sister, what do you need?!” (and where the bloody hell is your father?!)
“i have to go, too.”

This is a test. This is a test of the emergency patience and control system. If this were an actual emergency you would have a martini glass in one hand

“go down the hall.”

I try to coax my daughter off the John, but she isn’t done ruining the bowl yet. She has never ever had to poo like this in her life. It just figures it has to happen in a home we are considering while the owners are present.

My son decides he doesn’t have to go after all – perhaps my red glowing eyes and forked tongue convince him otherwise – my daughter, Al Bundy, decides she’s done and i not only have to flush twice to get rid of the evidence, but i’m silently scouring the bathroom for spray, a match, an air freshener, anything! All they had was a counter top renuzit, which i am waving around like a wiccan priestess hoping it does something. anything. I resort to having to turn on the ‘fart fan’ AND wiping down the toilet before leaving the crime scene.

I’ve never exited a house so quickly.
We may have to buy it out of sheer embarrassment

and worse still, we have to go back out tomorrow and do it all again!


Time After Time

Published October 23, 2013 by sarcasmica

It’s only taken 7 years and three therapists for me to not loose my cool when my kid has a fit. I don’t take it personally.

I take it personally afterwards feeling like somehow my parenting skills – or lack thereof – have inadvertently caused said fit. But he doesn’t have to see the afterwards because he’s usually asleep or changed personalities moods by then.

Tonight it was about:

1- NOT spacing out on the toilet beside the tub of warm bubbly water.

Seriously. Why can’t he just go – clean – be done – get in the tub?! Do other children use toilet time to ponder the meaning of life? I’m beginning to think this is where he stock piles those thousands of questions he asks in a day. He’s 7. How many questions can he possibly be wondering?!

2 – Getting out of the tub and getting the towel.

(bearing in mind his serious sensory issues) I began to question our routine when the OT evaluator asked if he can wash and rinse his own hair. Well .. he still takes baths, and i just have always done it for him. It’s easy. It’s quicker. This led me to believe at this age, he should be responsible for getting out of the tub and grabbing his own towel. I should not feed into the already enormous King Complex by standing there with the towel at the ready to wrap him in when he’s done. (i decided to pull the trigger on putting this into action when he began stalling getting out of the tub while i am standing there like an idiot coaxing him out.
“Hello, self respect? Hi remember me?”

I fear i’ve waited too long because he’s become Mariah Carey with the requirements and the unappreciative expectations. MiMi is NOT liking the adjustment to becoming self-sufficient.

3 – Putting on PJs

After half an hour was wasted cumulatively between 1 & 2, and we still had teeth brushing to deal with, things needed to start moving quicker. However, it seems MiMi was too cold to get into his warm pajamas, and instead sucked up more time sitting on his bedroom floor wrapped in the now wet towel from the bath.

Sometimes i’m in a very dark comedy about motherhood and children and all the wrong things to do and the immature thoughts that a parent can still apparently have.

All i can say for myself is somewhere between feeding into the Diva tantrums my big kid has and the miniscule by comparison tantrums my 3 year old has, i’ve found a bit of perspective. I still, however, feel bad for the neighbors. We are the poster family for needing double-pane windows. But i’m proud to say tonight it was only the many voices and personalities of my kid that were heard, and not any from me… that’ll come later after i find the bottom of my bottle from the inside.

One more week until my jet-lagged overworked and frazzled husband comes home to add to the stress and madness help out with the evening routine.

God help us.

Being a Grown Up

Published October 17, 2013 by sarcasmica

I’m so not prepared to be a grown up. My mom should get all her money back from the Catholic H.S. she put me in. Like, seriously.

So my husband and I are beginning the terrifying adventure of buying a house. To make it even more fun, he’s out of the country while the search begins, so i’ve been solo-ing some Open Houses and drive-byes.

I’ve been chomping at the bit to get to the point where we can start seriously beginning this whole experience, and now i’m just terrified and can’t make a decision. There are SOOOO many factors that go into this decision. First off, we are looking for this to be a permanent situation. Not just a 5 year ‘we’ll see how it goes’ type thing or a flip. An actual long term family home. First, we have to decide on the right bedroom and bathroom count. I am NOT using a toilet my small children pee and do god-knows-what on on a regular basis. My daughter can stink up a room faster than her daddy. The two of them can revel in their own functions in their own commode room.

Also, we have extended family that comes and stays for more than just a night, so we need space to accommodate that. Also, my husband needs a space to “work”. aka allow his mail and paperwork to pile up on a desk that is not in the main living room….. says i who is currently plowing through a pile of mail to get to my keyboard.

Then we need a semi-modern kitchen. I don’t want to update anything immediately, and i’m not a granite counter snob, but i also don’t want to feel like a poodle skirt should come with the house.

We need a yard, but fenced, so the monsters (both 4 and 2 legged) can hit the ground running and be occupied while we’re moving in. I’d like to be able to access and see the yard from the house if possible. This seems like a tall order in this area because everything is on a hill and you have to deal with a big deck and a bunch of stairs to get to the weeds dog poo kids.

Another factor is school district. Not just a good one, but one that has a good support system/special ed dept, etc. How the hell do you find that out?! I’m not looking for great standardized test scores, i’m looking for great teachers, involved staff, blah blah blah.

Then we factor in nearness to the necessities like Target, Drive-thru coffee places, Grocery stores, civilization. Out here, if you are too remote, you get to deal with bears and coyotes and between you and me, i don’t need another temptation to threaten my child with. “If you don’t finish that homework RIght NOW, you can go empty the trash by the coyote den!”

Then I factor in the sex offender website. Holy hell, this is so disturbing, i’m left with a stomach ache every time i use the search. Why are these people even allowed out of a jail cell?! Why aren’t these people dropped on a heavily scorpion/tarantula infested island and told “fend for yourselves”.

At what point do you let this affect what area you buy in? Do you let it? Do you hold fast to a place where there are zero offenders??

It’s all spinning in my head at this point and i’m taking a break from it all in the hopes lots of coffee, some alcohol, a great price, and some input from my spouse might shed some light.

Maybe i’ll flip a coin or consult a magic 8 ball.

Weighty Weight

Published October 14, 2013 by sarcasmica

I walked this week. I’m trying to do it enough to make it a habit. I didn’t have active role models growing up, so now i need to be that for myself and my kids. One motivating factor to get out of the house this week was to get away from my kids! They were with me, but if we are not in the home zone, then I am out of the whining/fighting/bickering zone. If I take them outside, my son gets to watch for changing leaves, birds, and cars passing by. He has to pay attention to not get hit, and not whether or not his sister swiped his favorite toy.

Sister, no swiping! Sister, no swiping! SISTER, NOOOOOOO Swiping!!! (for you Dora hostages fans)

If i’m outside walking, my daughter is in a stroller, and not jumping and diving onto/off of/under/over the couch/ottoman/hallway/chair. She’s strapped to a moving contraption and she is lulled into the monotonous whirr of the tires on the pavement, mommy’s spastic breathing, her brother’s incessant chatting, mommy’s wheezing, the cars honking as they nearly miss my kid wandering into the road beside me….. “i didn’t realize mommy was asthmatic..??”

If the weather is crappy, or i’m less motivated by the lack of whining (i.e. son is at school so daughter has free reign over all toys) I talk myself onto the treadmill. I have to find a really good show to keep my eyes away from the ticking timer in LARGE GLOWING numbers at the TIP TOP of my screen. I seriously suspect the timers on those things are rigged to a 87 second minute rather than 60. I’m gonna look into that. One show that I stumbled upon for this is “Ridiculousness” on MTV. My brother and SIL turned me onto this a while back and i haven’t decided if i hate them or love them for doing this. I love the comments almost as much as the videos. The irony and karma is not lost on me while my giant jelly body is walking on a treadmill while I watch and laugh at others who are injuring themselves in equally catastrophic scenarios.

But it works.

And this big ‘un needs to go with whatever works right now.

What my ass needs to do is convince itself to stay on the couch when I want to snack on something. I haven’t found the common sense discipline yet to ONLY stock the fridge and pantry with healthy options…. nooOOOOOooo. That’s for pussies. That’s for pansy-asses who can’t handle a challenge. I see the cookies on the kitchen counter as a challenge to my will.

My failing and weak will. If i could harness that weakness into a strength, i’d be golden. Golden and only 200lbs. If i could put the cookies in a super glue sealed container and dangle them in front of the treadmill…… perhaps it would motivate me more.

Better yet, if i put BOTH children in a sealed air tight closed and locked safe cage contraption behind the treadmill and give them both bazookas tarantulas RPGs Kim Kardashian ice cream, that would motivate me further.

Better yet, if i harnessed the power of my cravings and the unwillingness to deal with children high on sugar, i could RULE THE WORLD …. or just stay on the damned treadmill for longer than 20 minutes.

Onward and upward, my friends. To the land of only being obese, and not morbidly obese !


Published October 11, 2013 by sarcasmica

Holy shit. I’ve watched Glee from the beginning and was just as shocked as everyone else when Cory Monteith passed away. It was so tragic and sad. In the end, I didn’t lose sleep over it or anything, it was just a really sad unfortunate story.

I was going to watch the tribute episode when the kids were asleep so if i got upset, it wouldn’t have the added drama of keeping them distracted and entertained. But I also didn’t want the episode to be ruined by all the media and stories and comments about it.

I set my kid up this morning with some new Target loot and turned it on. Afterall, i’m a grown up and it’s just a TV show, right?

I was crying within the first five minutes, and sobbing by the time it ended.

Between nose-blowing, i was fielding questions from my 3 year old like, “Why is she sniffing so much?” “Why is he doing that?” and trying to hide my own snot and tears.

It’s my own fault, really. I know better. My best friend from high school passed away this year. Our whole lives were high school, marching band, and whatever sad social life we thought we had. Just because we got older didn’t mean our history wasn’t as meaningful to who we are now. It’s not easy losing people around you. Death is something that isn’t quite understood unless you have dealt with it. The show did such a great job putting into words the emotions someone goes through. The finality of it all is surreal and almost indescribable.

My dad died when i was 25. It was as sudden as sudden gets when someone is living past a quadruple-bypass, has congestive heart failure, diabetes, and a sedentary lifestyle and is simultaneously in denial about all of it. I guess because he was, we all were. I was closest to him when I became an adult since he was in and out of my life as a kid. Death, whether it’s foreseen or sudden, is no less final. It’s not something you can prepare for. It’s not something that can be explained. You just have to get through it.

While this show is just that; entertainment via a TV show, the emotions those actors are portraying are real. Those human beings interacted with each other on a daily basis for time far exceeding a normal business day. They portrayed high school friends on television, but they were working colleagues. Most of whom shared what must have been a once in a lifetime experience of a hit show as their first break in ‘the business’. None of that is light and fluffy.

To watch those emotions play out over such a public arena is equally sad. I was bawling not for this character that ‘died’ or for the tragic loss of someone to a terrible addiction. I cried because it reminded me of what that loss feels like. My heart remembers the gravity of that kind of loss. My father died when I was an age where everything was still new to me.  Independence. Appreciation. I lost my friend after we had been through all our best times together. I watched my husband lose his father almost four years ago. Loss is something you can move past, but it’s also something that can drag you back down and inside yourself when you least expect it.

So i’m saying grief sucks balls.

Day Four

Published October 10, 2013 by sarcasmica

setting: My house a.k.a. The Jungle

Day four of my new exercise and food choices and my body is rejecting it all.

*pant pant*

I’ve walked each day for the past four days for a moderate to ridiculously brief amount of time. My ass has been on the sofa when not running about the house or driving to and fro. I’ve decided to share food with the natives – the children – so as not to fully ingest all of the food i forage for myself. They seem to appreciate it.

Today, however, after two days in a row of partaking in the morning Starbucks ritual most locals favor, i’m not feeling so great.

After picking up my son from the educational village, I let him know i’m not feeling well, so i might be laying low when we get back to the hut. His solution, “don’t worry mom, i can take care of everything. why don’t you lay down? I can make sandwiches. I’m great at making sandwiches.”

It seems my delirium has landed me in an alternate universe where the children are helpful and sweet.i’m not sure i want to leave this universe

my head is spinning and my body is shaky

*pant pant*

As a last ditch effort to right my wrongs of veggies and proper snacking, i threw some sugar down my gullet in the form of sugary pumpkin mellow treats to see if that will set my body and head back to feeling ‘right’.

So far it hasn’t worked.

I tried apples and peanut butter as an alternative.

I fear it’s made it worse.

*wild-eyed, panicky, rocking in the corner*

My body is in overload of all new experiences. Fresh air. Fruit. Veggies. Exercise.

I’m hallucinating, surely, because the children are beginning to resemble fun-size chocolate treats. Treats that can run around the house and scream and yell out of their wrappers.

Hopefully i can close my eyes and reset my brain and wake up in a more dietary-acceptable body and home.

… that, or perhaps the treadmill will just run me over and finish the job.



Reality Check

Published October 7, 2013 by sarcasmica

I had the fat momma reality check today. In case you’ve never ever read my stories or have no idea who I am here’s a factoid tidbit for you.

I’m big.

Not like “oh, you put on some weight after the kids, it’s ok”, but like, “Damn! Did you play for the Raiders?!” Big. Being tall was always something I was proud of. Some girls don’t like sticking out and being the tallest in class. I knew it helped the weight thing. You can get away with being overweight when you’re tall because it doesn’t always show like it would on a horizontally challenged person.

So i started out tall. I added lots of sugar and snacking and ended up  being wide as well. You know, just to balance it all out.

Then I had a baby. Oddly, i didn’t gain that much weight during pregnancy because i was thinking ahead. I was proactive about weight gain and did most of it before getting pregnant

But seriously, no one talks about the AFTER pregnancy weight you put on. When you are delirious with lack of sleep. Your nerves are fried from a colicky baby, and you have no clean underwear – let alone dishes – the last thing you want to do is cook. At least, it was the last thing I wanted to do. … besides getting pregnant again or having sex, it’s the last thing i wanted to do.

So we ordered in. Who delivers easiest and quickest ? Pizza.

Second only to ‘grab n go’ dinners a’la Panda Express. The mexican food place that was down the street from us. Any number of buildings that house all the pots and pans and employ all the dish washers and cooks. This was life for the first year.

We did our first state move when my son was 2.5 yrs old. Moving from AZ to TX you HAVE to go out and experience the food. It’s BBQ land!

So we did. Thank you, Rudy’s. Aahhh-MA-zing meat. .. and sides… and pudding dessert

rudysAnd when we needed a break from BBQ, we had our favorite Mexican place, Mesa Rosa. My husband ate untold amounts of ‘pollo fundido’ here. It’s a fried chicken breast covered in cheese sauce, with a size of cheese sauce for your chips.

.. you know, to lubricate those arteries. Always thinkin’.

portal gun

We moved back to CA after 9 months of hard work testing and sampling and tasting all over Austin, TX. After a few months, we had our daughter. I started out 10 or 20lbs heavier with her, so that’s a wash, right? I gained less during that pregnancy, so it all evened out.

It was about the time she was four months old and I had to look at myself and all my chins in all the newborn pictures of her that I was adamant I had to do something about my weight. I joined Weight Watchers and slooooooowly dropped 20lbs. I had a friend that was doing it with me, so that made it much easier.

Then we moved back to TX. We revisited all the old favorites, and even found some new ones! There was a great joint right around the corner from our house where I met new friends weekly for our much needed ‘Friday momma lunch bunch’. I miss those ladies an untold amount and miss them even more than all the food in Texas! Our main spot was Kerbey Lane Cafe and they had an amazing breakfast spread… and lunch .. and sides and desserts and salads 🙂

kerbey lane

And when my husband and I tricked visitors into coming to stay – gramma – we got to escape to our favorite date night/movie spot ;  Alamo Drafthouse!

alamoThis is the Disneyland of movie watching. Fresh popped real popcorn with actual butter served in a shiny metal bowl. Drinks with refills by actual waiters that come to you to refill it. A full (albeit high-priced) menu and my favorite… FRIED PICKLES!

Somehow I managed to continue my weight loss with Weight Watchers and capped it off at a total of 40lbs while in Texas. Once I hit that 40lbs, I felt done. Despite knowing better, once I hit that number it was all over.

We very much enjoyed our last stint in Texas, but alas… we had to make our last move here to the good ol’ Northwest. We’ve been here a year and a half now and love love love it.

So back to my original point… since being just in THIS state, my doctor was scared to talk to me today about how much weight i’ve gained in the last year and a half. When she asked me if this is the heaviest i’ve ever been, i had an urge to say, “Nope! I’m still down 80lbs from my heaviest while working at the circus! Goooo ME!” Just to maintain some sort of pride. But I stuck with honesty … damnit.. and admitted that is, in fact, true. This is the biggest. In that way, it makes me feel i’ve hit a wall of what i’ll tolerate from myself and now it’s time to get back to reality and losing weight and making better choices at home for me AND my kids. I’m setting them up for the same issues if i don’t knock it the hell off. My genes aren’t conducive to me being so careless. I have rampant heart issues and lots of diabetes in my family, so i know better.

And yet… i still want a Panera bread bowl.


This is my fight. Food. I love it and it wants to kill me… kind of like an 80 year old wealthy dirty old man marrying a 20 year old gold digger.

To anyone living near me, hanging out with me, or having to deal with me in person: In the next 30 days while i accept what i have to do, please bear with me. The fangs and head-spinning will stop eventually. I promise all the hormones will even out and i’ll once again become a human with only one head, and mouth. Hang in there and i’ll do my best to keep the turkey legs and hamburgers out of my mouth.  🙂


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