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All posts for the month October, 2017

Emergency Response

Published October 25, 2017 by sarcasmica

I always find it entertaining and a bit tragic when people say they think having a baby will save their relationship. It is the quickest way to a break up, in my humble and cynical opinion.

Nothing makes a person more certifiably insane than becoming a parent. You start doing shit you vowed never to do. You are cooing and giggling and clapping like a moron at the DMV. In line at the grocery store. Waiting for a pap smear. And you almost always have a baby with you when you’re doing it! Thanks to modern technology, you are photographing first boogers, first smiling sleeps and first poops and of course,  sharing all of it. You want the world to witness your obsessive parenting ways.

However there is no stress like that of a sick/injured/hurting child. Nothing. I can only speak from here on out as a mom. A mom who doesn’t have a fully intact maternal gene. My domestic tendencies never fully integrated. What did fully load is my mama bear DNA strand. That sucker is lodged, reinforced, and armored. BRING IT!!!

From the time my cubs were meatloaves in diapers I have always responded usually with calm first. Their wild chaotic baby screams short circuit my brain into calm. I don’t know why, I am still cold sweating under my stained and unlaundered clothes, but my brain insists on my own calm and breathing until the initial frantic screeching is done.

Logically nothing can be figured out while the flailing and eye-rolling hysteria is in full swing, so the calmer I am, the quicker the humanoid calms down. My husband, on the other hand, has always had the opposite reaction. To him, the sooner he finds out the reason, the quicker he can fix it. And you better f-ing tell him immediately or the insistence just grows and grows. He’s a fixer. I’m a wait and see-er. Sometimes this works well, but only after twelve years of wedded bliss, two marriage counselors and two children later – not in that order, obvi.

As our kids have gotten older, the emergencies have slowed down. Most of the heightened panic is over a stolen toy or remote control. This past weekend, however, we had a crash course in emergency response.

I was downstairs, and my husband was up. Both the kids were upstairs together getting ready to go swim at the Y. Suddenly there is a bone-chilling scream from my daughters innards that threatens to shatter all the glass in all the land. At first I thought, “Spider in her room .. ?” and the scream just continued. At this point I ran up the stairs and met with my husband between both kids who are staring at each other and screaming into each others’ faces. My daughter is cradling her hand, and my son has saucer-eyes and is beginning to panic.

My son has sensory issues and sudden loud noises are a trigger. This most definitely qualified. At this point my husband just wanted them separated so we could figure out what happened. I took the girl, he took the boy. I just hugged and shooshed my girl until she could breath again. Bit by bit we pieced together the scene.

They had raced into his room together, but my son was trying to kick his cootie-ridden sister out of his bedroom. She refused to go, so he started pushing. She wanted to leave on her own, so she grabbed onto the doorway, as a 7 year old does when she is trying to be an independent woman. My 11 year old was not having this crap, so he thought she was out and slammed the door to reinforce his discontent. Unfortunately my daughter’s hand was still gripping the door way. SLAM. SCREAM. Hysteria.

My son was horrified at what he had done. My daughter was obviously in pain and it was just a cacophony of sound. Once ice packs and kisses and deep breaths were had, the kids reunited to “I love you and i’m SO sorry!”s. My son even let his sister hug and kiss him. He returned the hugs without any threats.

He was to stay in his room home with Gramma while we took sis to the Urgent Care. Long story short, she has a hairline fracture in the tip of her pinky.

Parenting is not for the fainthearted. You need balls, heart, and ears of steel to get through a lot of it. This little saga has definitely made me feel like I have earned another stripe.

 

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Info Overload

Published October 18, 2017 by sarcasmica

Facebook. Facebook is my time suck. I’ve tried deleting the app off my phone, i’ve tried putting it on the last page of my phone, i’ve tried various things to make me think twice about going down that rabbit hole.

Yes, I have free time. No, that’s not a bad thing.

I have recently left city groups and local communities just to lessen the amount of cares I give. Emotionally, I am working with a medicine dropper amount of fucks to give and frankly, my real life family and friends have dibs. Sorry. I just found myself getting increasingly worried about all the break-ins that were being reported, the bad drivers, the found chickens (yes, this is actually a thing where we used to live) the lost dogs, the dead cats, the careless high schoolers…. seriously, why is this interrupting my life? So I left those groups, and it was so freeing!

Today, however, a long ago request to join a ‘Parents of Kids with ADHD’ support page finally accepted my request. After participating in this group for less than 12 hours, I feel like I now have severe ADD and edging towards Oppositional Defiance Disorder. (ODD)

Dealing with my kid’s issues has been a task. A totally surmountable-in-comparison task. This group has both shed a light on options and choices, and also exhausted my already depleted dropper of attention and energy. People are asking about IEPs and medication and products and services and teachers and doctors OH MY!

Today’s take away has been crazy. Apparently there are parents out there that give their ADHD kids coffee.

COFFEE! Like elementary-aged kids! It supposedly has a calming effect on the overworked ADHD brain.

I called my son’s doc and was like, “What the jittery f*ck is up with this info?!” – full disclosure, the quotes are just suggestive. Not literal. .. as in of course I did not actually say this.

My amazing but conservative doc quickly returned my call (had her nurse immediately call me back) to tell me “No. We don’t recommend parents give coffee to their kids. There are no medical studies proving any of this, there is no valid information stating this, in fact, helps. It actually likely causes them to only be helped briefly, and you don’t really want your 6th grader strung out on five cups of coffee a day.”

Ok. Hope dashed. Miracle, obtainable cure-all spoiled. NEXT!!

The next item up for reviews proves to be slightly more productive. It seems, folks, there exists watches that help remind kids of things. You can attach a wrist watch to your non-motivated, spacey, time-oblivious, executive functioning challenged child that will vibrate little reminders with a message like “brush teeth” or “get dressed” or “pay attention” and you can set the time these reminders will go off. Do you know how much more voice and patience I would have if the watch did all my nagging for me?!!

The only hold up is which watch to purchase! I’m researching like a strung out law student before the Bar. … if I can just stop getting sucked into the countless questions and concerns I feel the need to help with on this damn FB page all about ADHD kids.

Halloween Blues… or oranges

Published October 10, 2017 by sarcasmica

Ever feel like you just can’t even? Ever hear that phrase and want to smack someone? Something about moving and having construction going on has totally fizzled my Halloween fuzzies this year. I’m pretty bummed about it because we are finally in a “neighborhood”. You know, a place where everyone knows your business not because they care, but because the houses are so close they literally hear all the business you have going on. Like, my neighbors are probably just as annoyed at my kids in the morning because they all have to listen to me yelling at them. I wonder if they stop them as they walk to friend’s houses and coach them like, “Come on, man. Just leave your shoes by the front door. Then you’ll always know where they are. What are some ideas of how you can efficiently get out of bed and go brush your teeth in the morning? I’m rooting for you, kid.”

I was looking forward to this Halloween because we can actually just walk out our front door and start trick or treating. The last neighborhood had acre properties and black bears and coyotes roaming like the wild west… the wild wild northwest.

Also, when we moved in, my husband and/or the movers put one of our Halloween boxes up high in the garage. I’ve already ransacked the reachable box and put out what was salvageable. (I have a limit on how many school art projects I will continue using.. i’m sorry, but this is a sacred holiday. Construction paper monsters are cute for two rotations, and then they get to retire to their coffins)

I was just pondering and commenting to my husband the other day how writing has lost some pinache for me. I don’t feel like I can find enough funny to accurately relate to the blog … now, as I’m writing, I think it has more to do with the constant interjections of, “MOM.” thought thought thou- “Moooom.”

ohmygod.

“Mom.. oh wait a second…”  from now on I have the “Reality Filter” on, so every time my brain is jarred by a new pointless “MOM” I will relay that to you. Then maybe I can get to the root of my ina “Mom, i’m done! See? Look.” (pause for meaningful mom moment) inability to complete a thought, let alone pause the funny thought I had and then resume once the priorities are met. (kicking other kid off games atm)

“Mommymommymommymommy”

So yes… Halloween blues. We are hosting some fun construction for a few weeks. The jack hammering and constant in and out of workers is a bit “Mom …” hmmm, annoying “Mom?” doesn’t seem like the right word… but it really does. We are hoping to keep them here until they finish the entire job, so a Honey Bucket has been put in the driveway so they can answer the call of nature as they are building the deck.

It’s the only Halloween decoration that is outside of the house. A neighbor kindly suggested I slap a sign on there that reads, “White House”. .. she wasn’t wrong.

What’s worse is, as the days tick on I start thinking, “Why bother?” Seriously, it’s October 10th. We have an HOA. I can’t just get a late start and make up for the decoration time on the back end. If I leave out purple lights beyond November 1st or 2nd, I’ll probably be in violation of some douchey by law.

(Oh good, the kids are now playing together, so SURELY the “MOM!” count will go down now, right?  mwahahahahaaaaaa)

So yea, funny is gone. Halloween “Look, mom” Blues are real. This is the segment in the writing where I go back and proof read what i’ve written thus far “GRAMMA?” “Grammaaa????” but I my tolerance has fizzled. My pati “Hey mom, can you play with me?”  “Mom…”  ence is nil, I DGAF what i’ve said thus far because it’s all been interrupted causing my train of thought to derail.

UGH

Also, I find the depressing times that much more foggy and swampy to wade through just to get one idle, silly thought across. In the bigger picture of shootings and the farce of the White House and current state of the country, fart and poop stories just don’t rock my world like they used to. It’s official. … i’m a geezer.

Adventures Cont

Published October 3, 2017 by sarcasmica

Disney really knows how to excite you, and then beat the shit out of you until you cannot fathom one more minute or ride in the park. 

Today we tackled California Adventures. And by “tackle” I mean limped and crawled our way through it. 

I dont know how to say this, but damn, im old! I used to saunter through these parks with my annual pass in my twenties wearing a smidge of deoderant, a dollop of sunscreen, Old Navy rubber flip flops, and a useless ATM card and still be able to be a human being the next day. Now? Now I claw and fight to make it to the fireworks show at the main park wafting green fumes around and i’m lucky if I last until late lunch at California Adventures burnt to a crisp.

Granted, I wasnt verbally ping ponging with my offspring every time a souvenir shop or cart came into view. I didnt argue or fret over the contents of my kid’s last meal bubbling up at inopportune times. (not that there is ever a great time for that) But still. My feet woulf give me the middle finger now if they could. 

I brought tennis shoes, but forgot to pack socks. I’ve been in very comfy, but not ideal flip flops (Oofos) for 2 days at the parks. That muscle that connects & operates the front of your shin down to your foot is just on strike at this point. 

Anyway, I was looking very forward to laying low today and indulging in some of the Blog Food i’ve seen circling the interwebs since Princess Pukerella seemed to be doing fine. We started the day with the Bug Land rides, then headed over to Cars Land. That Cozy Cone spot was highly blogged about so we checked it out. 

I am not a mac & cheese fan, so i opted for the Chili CONE Queso. It was tasty.


I do not, however, recommend attempting a heavy duty rollercoaster anytime in the same 2 hours as eating this bad boy. We did Radiator Springs Racers afterwards and that was totally fine. I got greedy. I finally had someone willing to try out the rollercoaster with me! I have only been to this park a handful of times and have never ridden California Screamin’. 

It was not pretty. We took off and my head immediately was not a willing participant. The rattling and jostling and rattling did a number on my head (did i mention the rattling?) and then feeling dizzy going that fast with that many drops and then a loopty loop nearly tossed my chili all over the ride.

But we happily exited and decided never to go on it again. My daughter kept telling me, “Now you know why no one wanted to go on it before!”

Thanks, kid. Got it.

The rest of the day was Soarin’, the rapids ride, and some yummy food. The last treat of the day was a ghiradelli sundae. The cost of this thing was just stupid. We walked it over to the Radiator Springs Racers for our 2nd go and while in line, after the hot fudge congealed into chunky globs, my stomach and borderline lactose intolerance had me toss it. It was painful to throw away 4 bites, but less painful than finishing it.

It was a great day, we are very thankful and happy with our trip. The kiddo got to see lots more characters than at Disney. She has learned the truth about the costumes, but we talked about the fun of pretending and drinking the kool aid. The jury is still out on Spiderman, though. The superhero thing is muddy water with real live action movies. She wanted to believe, I let her have Spidey…afterall, he spoke! “The other ones dont do that, mom” plus, he had nice muscles so what’s the harm in that? 

Post Disney Wrap Up

Published October 1, 2017 by sarcasmica

Disneyland was amazing. ‘Nuff said. Buh-bye.

Still here? Ok, you asked for it!

My daughter and I had a lot of fun. I must say, however, a little of the magic has already gone away for her. I knew it would happen, which is why I will always remember the first time we did this mommy/daughter trip Feb-2016.

She’s 7 now and figuring out the characters are costumes. We had the conversation over lunch at the country bear cafe place “Why have you been lying about it the whole time?”

😕

We talked about the fun and the make believe and she got it, but she was sad to have that bubble popped literally in the middle of Disneyland.

It was a kick in the nuts for me. I just had the Santa conversation with my 11 year old son a few weks ago. Is nothing sacred anymore?!

So instead of obessing over Princess hunting this time, she was toy hunting. There was a lot more souvenir insistence instead of ride and line-waiting fits. We stopped a few times to take a breath and point out the gratitude I expected versus the brattitude I was getting.

It really was a great day, I swear. I think it was the second time in my life I was there for park opening. We walked onto everything! 

She hated Space Mountain this time. ☹️ Last time she loved it after waiting 90 minutes to ride. This time it was Halloweenifed with big skeletons on big screens. She was not a fan. 

Big Thunder Mountain was a hit again, and we did her first Splash Mountain ride. It was awesome. 

We had fast passes for Haunted Mansion and rode it twice since that was the big reason we went- along with 8 million other park goers today. 

Let me just say, some characters, Mr Disney, need not be brought into reality. Jack is a tall, BONE thin skeleton with a giant bobble head. He is perfect in clay. Today we saw alien Jack.

Alien Jack


My daughter, God bless her, insisted we get a picture with them for me (because she knows about my love for him) but after hearing the SIXTY-FIVE minute wait time opted out. She tentatively informed me that he looked “kinda weird”. I think she was afraid of bursting my bubble 💜.

We both breathed a sigh of relief when we realized we didn’t have to take a photo with the creature. 

We took a selfie with Zero’s dog house instead


Yes, I admit I got sucked into the whole Mickey ears trap. My husband said before the trip, “You already both have the hats, right, so that’s something you wont need to buy.”

Ha! But we didnt factor in the cool kids factor. I barely had money to buy a drink or a crappy Tomorrowland pizza slice back in the day. Going to the park now and being able to join the lemmings is a whole new world for me. ..and I couldnt indulge without the kid, so there you have it. Mickey Mouse confessions. I frigging bought them! 

The last gripe is pointing out the amount of vertically-challenged photographers. I have mastered the selfie angle to give the appearance of a reasonably sized person. Hand the phone over to these Disney cast members and it looks like a competition for most chins.

Short subjects & photographer


I am exhausted despite managing to head back to the hotel for a little down time this afternoon before heading back to the park in the evening. 

We didnt make it to Fantasmic on the the steamboat. We left the park during the fireworks show. Some day I will see that show, but it was not today. Someone was pooped:


Tomorrow: California Adventures! 

“Please dont wake us up at the buttcrack of dawn tomorrow, mom. Lets wake up at 10 o’clock…no wait, make that 11.”

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