So i think i’ve documented that my husband travels for work. He travels a lot.
Like.. a LOT.
Because of this, my mom generously agreed to move in with us so she can help me maintain sanity and a semi-hazmat free home for the childrenz. This has been a tremendous help to everyone here.
But the fact remains that my husband is not here a whole lot.
This creates a dichotomy for my brain. I’m happy for him that he’s found so much success after we’ve been chasing his happiness and sense of satisfaction all over the western united states. We’ve lived in pretty cool places and met some great people.
Now we are rooted. We are here. We will not be moving out of state again.
But he’s traveling or thinking about traveling or planning his traveling or working from his phone or computer during his downtime when he’s not traveling.
This isn’t all that fun for me or the kids.
Is it fun to have a good provider who relishes in his responsibility? Sure. It’s nice to be able to not have to weigh groceries against a medical bill. Absolutely.
My brain is split. I try to have somewhat of a normal home life for myself and my kids. Despite his erratic traveling and schedule, I am here. You need boogers wiped? I’m your lady. You need a clean butt? Step right up. You want food in your tummy, come on down! You want to go to the park? Let’s rock.
And by the time all of that is taken care of, i’m spent. I can manage to plop my ass on the couch and pick up my kindle. That’s my heavy lifting. Then i can read for a little while and feel like i’ve escaped my own mind and gone somewhere and done something fun and adventurous… vicariously through a completely fictional character and place.
My husband just informed me he needs to leave earlier than planned for this next trip. This is not the first time this has happened. It’s amazing how many simultaneous thoughts can go through your brain at one time.
“well what about ME?”
“That’s great they have acknowledged your importance to the project”
“well then i’m getting my ass OUT of this house the SECOND you walk through the door!”
“i need a hobby”
“Can’t have a hobby because your time is not your own”
“thank goodness my husband has a good job in today’s climate”
“how much shopping will make me feel ok about this?”
“how much laundry do i have to get done to make this happen”
Once in a while i have a notion to go back to work. I don’t see how i can do this.
Once in a while i feel like i’d like to finish school.
I don’t see how i can do this.
Then i begin to think that i need to find a source of more energy. Eating doesn’t seem to be providing that for me. Eating the RIGHT things might,but where’s the fun in that? !
So once again i’m gearing up for a Mothers Day where we are going and doing something really fun… for 24 hours. It will involve traveling for the whole family which means lots of prep and laundry need to be done. Lots of cleaning and picking up need to be done so we don’t come back to a disaster zone. Then two days later he will once again be gone for 2-3 weeks.
This means i wont actually get to enjoy Mothers Day to the fullest…. and what’s my next thought?
If he thinks father’s day is going to be something fantastical, he can just go ahead and suck it.
That’s terrible! But justified all at the same time.
And this is how my brain works every day. Selfish/Selfless.
No wonder i have a headache right now.