Balls pt 2

Ok. So no one said blowing up the goddamned ball was going to be a neverending f-ing workout!!

Sneaky mo fos.

So here i am with a hand pump jammed haphazardly into a huge flat blob of silver and i’m hand pumping away. Terrible images of the goofy shake weight come into my mind. But i pump away. Soon i begin to realize that my poor husband is a long way from getting any sort of job that involves my hands and/or arm muscles. Hope it’s worth it!

Then i’m reading the directions and it says over and over and over “Do not over inflate the ball!”

Okay okay okay. It’s not like there’s a pressure gauge included! Not that i’d know or have the patience to stop my air hand job long enough to swap out the cheap ass plastic pump for an air pressure gauge.

So i’m pumping away and the thing finally takes shape. After i’ve blown out one of my triceps from pumping so hard and fast.

That’s right, i said it. I pumped it hard and fast with my hand.

I had to go as quickly as possible because i was certain my 2 year old would wake up to investigate the noises. The pump, the air hissing when it slipped, and my cussing.

She thankfully slept through the whole thing. And i’m thinking the whole time, if i had known it would be this much trouble to blow the thing up, i would have wasted my money on a jump rope that is CERTAIN to get zero use from these arms.

So it takes shape. With the black text emblazoned on my brain of DO NO OVER INFLATE! I stop. Much like an air mattress, there’s no way to know unless you try it out. Especially because your own weight is what determines the firmness … right?

So there’s a plug you pop in .It looks like a tee. It looks like a dangerous plastic pointy object that could turn into a projectile homicidal device if i have overinflated the ball and sit too eagerly upon it.

I make a mental note not to point it near a window or child… in that order

So i try the sucker out.

Much like my first attempt at an air mattress … and a hand job, it was an optical illusion. Not nearly as firm as it led me to believe.

*snicker*

So then comes the fun task of pulling the plastic stopper OUT. That thing is designed to go in and stay put …. under the weight of up to a 300lb angry woman who has given up cigarettes and/or coffee and/or doughnuts.

This thing didn’t budge.

And much to my amusement, i re read the directions to search for some advice to find it merely stated “Do not use sharp objects to remove stopper”

Well thank God they printed that tidbit of information! Do not stick a sharp object into the rubber ball you just spent 30 minutes hand jobbing and one tricep pulled to get done.

I might be fat, but i’m not retarded.

So my sad now-numb little fingertips, a marker cap, and the spare plug all worked in combination to yank the stopper out so i could continue inflating.

Second time was a charm. Here i sit, typing away, rocking and rolling on my new toy.

A toy i’m sure will cause all sorts of fun screaming and yelling matches in my house between myself, my 2 year old, the 2 year old and her 6 year old brother, and the two kids and my husband – who is certain NOT to allow either child to jump on, throw, or stick sharp objects into.

The nerve.

So if you are thinking about purchasing a big giant ball to sit your big giant ass upon, please consider first conditioning your hand and arm muscles perhaps after a few cocktails and alone time with your husband. That way you are ready to inflate, and your husband might be in a good enough mood to manage the kids around the new equipment without everyone trying to kill each other to get to the thing.

Let the games begin!